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Plans to visit family this thanksgiving

Hello, I have admittedly not given heartsupport the love I once gave it as of recently. I’m still trying to adjust to actually working and things in general. It’s at the point where I go home and immediately want to sleep.

My topic today is a tough one, I really need some advice…

My mom cares about Thanksgiving at a high amount, it’s the only holiday my sister comes to visit in the entire year and now I fall in that category since my boyfriend and I have also moved out of state. We’d be taking bus or train there. I agreed to it, more so with a “hopefully nothing gets in the way” and of course, something is in the way.

My boyfriend isn’t guaranteed those specific days off at work to come with me. You might be thinking “You’re an adult, you can go without him” and I can, it’s just that my family is so stressful to deal with at times that I feel so afraid of the idea of going without him. I’ve never traveled alone before either, that’s a separate fear.

My family stresses us out, it’s why I we both left. I don’t want to hear them speak ill of my boyfriend and I don’t want do deal with the narcissistic bullcrap on my own…which I’m sure sounds incredibly selfish but I am just completely expressing how I feel, I apologize if I sound self centered, this is coming from a place of fear.

My boyfriend wants me to do whatever I want, though he would prefer we push it through together or I decide not to go.

Problem is my mom will make it seem like the world is ending, she might send me another picture of her eyes bloodshot from stress and make my brother go after me and make me all guilty for “agreeing to do something and not committing to it” and that “it’s the least I could do”

My boyfriend may have a chance to see his schedule tomorrow if his boss found the time to do it.

I feel like the only reason I want to go if I’m alone is just so my mom doesn’t make the world crumble and my brother leeches off of it and makes me feel guilty with it…

If we could go together, I’ll still be afraid of facing parts of their personality that made us move in the first place, but atleast we can figure it out together.

What do you think? I’m hoping for a miracle but they’re short staffed so most likely I will need to make a hard decision, I just don’t know what to do.

Thank you for reading, please take care of yourselves. :heart:

And I’m sorry for not coming here often, my brain has been so busy adjusting to new things…

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Hi @itsnotoveryet :hrtlegolove:

You’re not responsible for your mother’s emotions. It’s not your job to make her happy, ya know? If you want to go so you can see your sister, do if for that reason, not because you’re mother manipulates you into going. It’s your choice, not anyone else’s.

Weigh the pros and cons of going and if you feel good about your decision, then that’s really all that matters. Don’t feel pressured to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing and don’t let people make you feel bad about it either. They are just acting on their own fears and insecurities.

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hi friend,
Please be assured that we love having you here, whenever you can pop in :slight_smile: There is no pressure at all, and anytime you need us, we’re here!

Oh, and this sounds like an overwhelming time, for decidedly small benefits to you.

Could you and your bf start your own traditions? New place, new move, new place together?
This sounds like a great excuse/reason to say that you’re both taking this year to start your own traditions as a new family. Honestly, he is your family too, and traveling or being away from him could be seen as weird and unreasonable, and you could say that this you need to share time with your bf on that day.

You can always tell your mother that you will try to see her another time later in the year, when things are more settled for you, when your bf has time so you won’t have to travel alone, etc. These are all VALID reasons. Being forced to attend something that you know will lead to stress and drama, seems unwise. You’re already working on getting your routine down, with work and stuff, you don’t need to be manipulated or guilt tripped into attending.

If you left the state to get away from them, keep away from them until you are able to handle them. Taking care of yourself, protecting you and your bf from their toxic, guilt tripping selves is not being selfish, it’s being self-caring. You stay strong, and make the choices that are best for you.

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itsnotoveryet, so happy to have you back on the forum sharing with us again!! thank you for trusting us with your story and struggles.

your post all sounded VERY familiar to me - I, too, have a very narcissistic mother and traveling to visit her makes me very stressed. when he has the availability, i always try to have my husband come along with me when I have visits with her, but many times I’m forced to face her alone. (i also have a brother that feeds off of my mother’s toxicity, but he no longer lives under her roof anymore, thankfully) - one thing that helped me a lot was some advice that my therapist gave me was BOUNDARIES!!!

Boundaries come in many ways - and a great boundary for starters is to maybe rent a hotel room nearby so that you are not forced to stay under your mother’s roof, according to her terms. That way, you have a place to retreat to at the end of a long day and you have the ability to get “breaks” from family time. Of course, I understand this isnt’ completely possible, but maybe even just setting boundaries for yourself and your partner and decide what sorts of topics should be avoided, and how you can redirect the conversation when it seems to be headed towards a bad turn. Boundaries are extremely important for our narcissistic loved ones and practice makes perfect. I hope your family will be able to see your effort to keep the holiday lighthearted and will try to work with you to respect your boundaries. These kinds of boundaries have really helped my family and I, and I hope you’re able to identify the sorts of boundaries that might work best for yours.

Wishing you all the best!!! I would love to hear an update after the holiday to hear how everything went!

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Hey itsnotoveryet!

Megs_26 replied to your post today live on stream with some amazing words of encouragement and love!

Here is a link to the video so you can see her response,

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Thinking of you during this special week @itsnotoveryet.

I hope you are at peace with the decisions made, and that things are going as smooth as possible for you. Make sure to get some rest once you can. Family gatherings are already stressful in itself to so many of us, it’s even more difficult when the relations are not at their best.

Take it easy. Take it slowly. And rest assured that you will keep being your amazing you afterwards. Nothing can change that. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you so much, every single one of you who had the kindness in your heart to reach out to me.

The update is bitter but atleast I made the choice I wanted. I decided not to go, and the reason was no longer family issues, it was transporting issues. I felt too scared to travel by bus, heard too many horror stories, and realized I should’ve bought train tickets.

My family was understanding which is nice, they’re hoping to see me for Christmas but I said “no guarantees”.

I panicked so much yesterday and this morning, I haven’t felt this drained and depressed in awhile. Awesome how the moment I felt relief in getting a refund, I suddenly feel sad and I really really want to go…I want to see my family…

@Micro You’re a saint, I really appreciate you reaching out and checking on me, it feels undeserved.

Again, thank you everyone, so very much. I’m not okay, but I’ll get better in time. Just right now…feeling horrible and empty, and it’s okay to feel that way.

Take care of yourselves everyone and I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving or just a nice day.

My day will be spent in bed, if I have the choice.

Thank you so much again @Mystrose @Sita @SRivs @Megs_26 & @Micro , your words were all very much appreciated.

Take care :heart:

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@itsnotoveryet,

I’m glad your family was understanding and didn’t add more guilt or anything on your decisions. No matter what you would have decided, it would have been okay because in each situation you would’ve had needs to fulfill. This time it was priority for rest, calm and peace, and I hope you can find that these days.

Holidays and celebrations like these can be very stressful and a reminder of many things we don’t necessarily want to thing about. Since we grow up with this idea that we have to celebrate it and a certain way, it can be very uncomfortable to do it differently. As you’ve said, it’s both bitter and a relief.

I hope you will get as much as needed. Make sure to focus on things you might enjoy and that are not too consuming. It’s okay to take things slowly this week. These events and decisions can have an emotional impact that is more important than we expected. It’s not a shame.

We’re in this with you, still and always. I’m looking forward to having some updates from you in times to come, whether it’s here or privately. No pressure though.

Sending much love your way. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you so much @Micro, I really appreciate this.

You’re right, I will try to find some calm and rest. It was a hard hurdle to pass emotionally because I felt so beaten down, I’m glad those feelings have gone away.

I’m going to be making something from home here for Thanksgiving, so I took that opportunity to talk to family about all of that. Fingers crossed that issues don’t come up for Christmas.

Micro, whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or not, I hope you have a great day. If it’s not great, there’s always a virtual hug from me waiting for you, please remember that. Thank you so much again for taking the time to support me it means very much to me.

Take care & Happy Thanksgiving :heart:

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