Playing dad at 15

This is my second attempt at posting, I feel really uncomfortable talking about myself so im sorry if this is a mess…

My dad left 4 years ago and now I have to play dad to my 2 younger siblings. My mum struggled quite badly with the break up and I became a way for her to release her anger or a shoulder to lean on or both at the same time.
I was always my dads daughter even though he was never around much even when my parents were together. My dad was always my hero no matter how many times he told me I was worthless or any of the other stuff I was told.

My mum is now over the break up but being a single parent to three kids is hard and I totally get that, in all honestly I wish I could do more to help but I find myself in situations where I’ll try to help but I’ll make it worse or it just isn’t good enough.

Don’t get me wrong I love my mum and my siblings but I am so so tired, I struggle with chronic insomnia and have been on various medications but with no avail.
I have no idea how I keep going sometimes and in all honestly I’m not sure I want to.

I love my siblings but my mum baby’s them if that makes sense, I had to start growing up at the age of 10, when my dad first started not being around, by 12 I didn’t even recognise myself anymore, i don’t blame my dad or mum sometimes stuff happens. I don’t believe it’s anyones fault I guess I just wish I had a better childhood. My siblings on the other hand, They get the love I’ve always wanted and never had. I guess I just wish I could be someone else… I don’t know really…
When people ask where my dad is I usually lie, I say he’s busy or at work because I don’t enjoy the pity that comes with telling people that your father walked away, pity in general just pisses me off, so I avoid it by lying but i feel horrible for doing that. I don’t know what to do about it either.

I’m sorry for this little rant/ramble I just needed a way to get this off my chest and this felt like a good release.

Hold fast all of you,
I love you all,
Luna :heart:

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Luna,

Dang dude. You’re 15, and you’re having to fill shoes you were never meant to fill…more than that, you’ve already been filling them for 5 years…you’ve been having to be:

your own counselor – telling yourself that you’re not worthless and helping your siblings and mother navigate the pain of losing your father
your own father – trying to find reasons you’re delightful or worthy of continuing to move forward and encouraging your younger siblings they matter too
your own mother – comforting yourself, and comforting your mother (so backwards)

There’s a ridiculous amount of pressure and weight placed on your shoulder, and let me tell you and your heart that has had to bear so much – this was not the way it was supposed to be. Your father abandoned his post, and you’re having to pick up the slack, and it’s not right. It’s not fair. It’s not the way things were supposed to go.

You were supposed to be delighted in.
You were supposed to be told that you are invaluable.
You were supposed to be protected and cared for and sheltered from the burdens of the world.

I’m so sorry those things didn’t happen for you.
Just because they didn’t happen doesn’t mean they aren’t true.

You ARE delightful.
You ARE lovely.
You ARE your father’s daughter, his princess.
You ARE invaluable.
You ARE worthy.
You ARE worth it.

Your father is a broken man, and if he could have told you those things in a way that would make sense to your heart he would, but doesn’t know how, so I want to be one of the voices telling you the truth…THESE THINGS are true about you, Luna.

And none of this is your fault. The way things are going, the way your siblings are feeling, the way your mom is doing, anything that isn’t going right – it’s not your fault. It’s not your responsibility, it’s your father’s. And just because he walked out doesn’t mean it’s not his responsibility still. Whatever happens to your family is not your fault, and you don’t deserve to take on that burden. It’s not yours to bear. I know it’s hard to accept in practice because someone’s got to be responsible for your family, but Luna, it’s not your responsibility. You can participate and help, but it doesn’t fall on your shoulders. It falls on your mom’s shoulders and your dad’s shoulders – because their shoulders are the ones that have the capability of bearing that weight and were designed to do just that. It’s not your design or your time to take that on. It’s okay to participate, but it’s not your fault, it’s not your duty, it’s not your responsibility to take on the full weight of your family. Please be kind to your heart, dear friend…please be kind to your heart.

I can’t imagine having to bear what you have to bear when you’re having to bear it. Bearing that weight when I am a father and have had the time to train and to become and to step into his role – it is a weight I could have never been ready to handle before this point in time. I’m so sorry that it was dropped in your lap and blamed on you.

It’s not your fault. You are your Father’s delight. I’m sorry these things happened to you.

-Nate

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Wow, that must be tough I relate to that a lot but keep your head up it gets better. I’m so sorry you had to go through that at such a young age, but look at the positive side it showed you how strong and amazing you truly are. Never give up hope and never let things bring you down, when you fall, get back up! Good things will come soon keep your head up and remember how amazing you are!

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Thank you so much. Your reply means a lot.
Luna❤️

Thank you Nate, this really really means a lot to me, it’s really nice to have someone care and understand.
Luna :heart:

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i get it bro. dont feel guilty you should be living your life. they made their mistakes and it isnt your responsibility to fix them.

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Thanks man, it’s really nice to have people get it. Thank you for your words. They help more than you know.
Luna :heart:

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I’m so sorry your father walked away, it’s terrible having to go through that at any age, but it can be even more confusing and stressful when you’re young. My dad walked away from my mom, brother and I when I was 10 as well. My brother has special needs and needs care constantly, he can’t speak or do the things fullyabled children can do but I look out for him. It was always hard dealing with an absent dad, it made me upset and angry. He’d tell me lies about my mom when I saw him to try and get me to hate her, which ultimately just scarred me and ruined a relationship I could’ve had with my mother when I was younger. We fought constantly due to my dads cruel words, as a kid all I could do was listen to him brainwash me. Im 17 now and have grown from a shitty childhood, and although at times it can be exhausting to live through and also look back on I won’t let it break me. I empathize with you and am very sorry you have to go through this, but you are of alone and are cared for by many. You can do this, you’ve made it through so much already. Don’t give up when there’s so much left to live for. Things will clear up, but you should focus on yourself before worrying about everyone else. You have to pull yourself up the mountain before you can give everyone else at the bottom a hand, even though it’s extremely tempting to just lift them up ahead of you, they’ll only push you further down. I believe in you Luna, stay strong! Feel free to pm me if you need to talk!

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Thank you so much friend. I’m so sorry your father walked out too, it’s so rough. Thank you for you kind words it really really means so much to me.
Luna :heart:

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