I found out about this community long ago and have been too scared to even show my struggles in anonymity. I now know I have to. My childhood from birth to 11 was great. My family is the best I could ever ask for. I was saved at the age of six and I’m still a Christian. I know God loves me and I try to love Him. Whenever I was 12, one of my best friends from church committed suicide. The day before he did it we were both working at our vacation Bible school. Never in my mind could I have thought he was struggling with something so big. I found out the next day and became a different person from that point on. The grief for him never left. I love my parents, but they never got me the mental help I needed during this time. One month later I began school, at a new school. I was so nervous and experienced anxiety for the first time. Throughout the year it seemed that I couldn’t make friends. I tried but many of them made fun of me for being short. That was also the reason my friend committed suicide. He was bullied for being short and small. I would go to school everyday worrying if someone else would make fun of me. I worried that I wasn’t good enough or athletic enough to play with the other kids. I never overcame that hurdle. Everyday I felt like trash once I was done with school. I cried so often. Again my parents are amazing people but they did not help me. I desperately needed counseling. The next year was my eighth grade year. I made some friends and my mental state became better. Not all the way but a little. It was a good year for me. I then got into high school. My friends were in different classes. At the time I liked this girl. She was a Christian too, but she often made fun of me for my height too. I can remember just crying because people talked about how short I was for so long. I got so angry at myself. The next year I didn’t like her anymore but things got worse. I had no enjoyment in school. I had no motivation. I got through the year and I honestly don’t know how. I have one memory of that year that I can honestly think of. That summer after 10th grade I met a girl at my youth camp. After our camp week and after a week of working together I texted her. We texted for a month or two and I really liked her. She flirted with me a lot and made it obvious. One day I decided to tell her how I felt. She texted back saying that I was sweet but she wasn’t looking for anything. I was upset but I obviously said that it’s ok and that I hope she finds someone one day. Later on I find out that she didn’t like me because of my height. My mom found out because she was talking to the girl’s mom. I hated myself so much. I couldn’t understand why my height determined my worth. I grew angry to her but also myself. Over my junior year I struggled. However I met another girl who treated me very different. She was always kind to me and talked to me. She never made me feel unworthy of anything. She uplifted me and made me laugh so much. I eventually gained feelings for her and learned to forgive the other girl. This girl, we will call her Blue. Blue became one of my closest friends and I thought I had a good chance with her. I didn’t. She rejected me but this time it was different. She always made sure we were still friends. I tried multiple times to get her but it never worked. Because of this, my depression grew too far. I became attached as a friend. I convinced myself that because of the way I look, I’m worthless and it’s still how I feel. I’ve tried for over a year and a half to get this girl to like me and it never works. I’m sick of knowing I’m unattractive. It’s hard to get over someone that you love so deeply and know that they don’t want to hurt you. I feel that I am a burden for her to carry. I don’t want to be that anymore but I don’t want to lose her. I only made a couple friends in high school. I only have about two real friends now. I feel daily like I am unlikeable. No one talks to me first. I never get invited to anything. I go to work, do some college, and stay at my home throughout the week. On my days off I do chores. No one texts me. I try to text Blue but she doesn’t respond much anymore. I tried earlier this year to come out about my depression in church. People prayed for me. I went and talked to my pastor for a few hours and nothing happened after that day. I tried to text him many times and he never responded. I feel so hopeless because no one cares about me except God and my two friends and parents. I feel like I have too good of a life to have issues. As of these past 6 months I’ve wanted to be dead. God is the only thing keeping me alive. I’ve tried and tried to reach out for help and no one will. I can’t handle much more. Please can someone give me advice.
I understand very well. It might not work for getting the girl, but it will help you regardless: Work on yourself. Become the man she wants. Stop asking and start making her come to you. I recommend the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.
I’m glad you’re here, especially if it’s been difficult for you to share about what’s going on. It’s a huge step. Know that you’re safe here.
I found out the next day and became a different person from that point on. The grief for him never left.
I’m so sorry for your loss… There is something very shocking in losing a loved one to suicide. I can imagine how life-changing it was for you, especially at such a young age.
Throughout the year it seemed that I couldn’t make friends. I tried but many of them made fun of me for being short. That was also the reason my friend committed suicide. He was bullied for being short and small. I would go to school everyday worrying if someone else would make fun of me. I worried that I wasn’t good enough or athletic enough to play with the other kids. I never overcame that hurdle. Everyday I felt like trash once I was done with school. I cried so often.
I don’t know if anyone ever told you this, but it wasn’t your fault. And I’m so sorry for all the tears that didn’t belong to you. You didn’t ask for what happened and it was deeply unfair. There was nothing wrong with you. There’s still nothing wrong with you. You were beautiful just by being you. You’ve always been good enough to exist and do whatever you want. Some people, including kids, can make us feel like trash because of the way they behave and interact with others. With time, you learn that it’s not about you, but them. Though I know the pain is real and it does have an impact, sometimes for a long time. I hope that through the years you’ve learned - or will learn - to turn it into something positive for yourself. A strength you didn’t expect before, a purpose you didn’t imagine yet. What happened to you doesn’t define you. You are not their words. You are not their actions. You are not their hate.
Again my parents are amazing people but they did not help me. I desperately needed counseling.
I feel that. When I was really young I’ve been through some difficult times and faced difficult events, but I couldn’t rely on my parents to be supportive, listening, or understanding. I wish you found a refuge with your parents when you needed it. Some kind of safety that was needed while facing those obstacles. Parents can do their best and be truly amazing, yet we also need them to comfort us and help us when we’re struggling. It’s also part of their job to intervene during difficult times. I’m not judging though. I hear you, and I have no doubt there is a lot of love between your parents and you. Sometimes communication and being vulnerable is just difficult and uncomfortable. It creates walls between people. Again, it wasn’t your fault. I think you’ve been very brave for a long time and they’d probably be proud of you if they’d have the opportunity to realize it.
I became attached as a friend. I convinced myself that because of the way I look, I’m worthless and it’s still how I feel. I’ve tried for over a year and a half to get this girl to like me and it never works. I’m sick of knowing I’m unattractive. It’s hard to get over someone that you love so deeply and know that they don’t want to hurt you.
I’m sorry friend. Rejection is very painful, and with your story I can imagine that it brings difficult memories and feelings to you. It sounds that you’ve been both respectful to each other though and that’s very very precious. You can’t force anyone to love you in the way you do. But I hear how painful it is to have this lack of reciprocity. I will take some time to be able to cherish this friendship as a friendship. And I hope with all my heart that you’ll manage to contact each other soon.
I feel daily like I am unlikeable. No one talks to me first. I never get invited to anything. I go to work, do some college, and stay at my home throughout the week. On my days off I do chores. No one texts me.
What happened doesn’t define your worth. Somehow you know it, but it’s good to be reminded of it. There’s a lot of things you couldn’t control - and in general, that’s just how it is when it’s also a matter of relationships. But you didn’t do anything wrong, and there’s nothing that would make you unlikeable. It’s a matter of finding the right people, of building trust, learning to know each other truly. Those things take time, practice, but regardless of how it changes, it will never define your worth. You are not doomed. And you are not alone right now. If it’s been a moment that you are in the community but haven’t posted yet, you probably saw that we’re kind of family here, and no one has to respond to any requirement to be loved or cared for. You know, I had my share of difficult times. Still now. But something that this place taught me is: unconditional love is possible. And if it’s possible here, it’s possible in my life too, in this world, because this is the same reality that we’re all sharing. The same applies to you and your life. There is hope my friend. Keep some spark in your heart. I hear that life has been tough for a long time now. But you are reaching out and making steps to get out of what probably feels like a rut sometimes.
I feel like I have too good of a life to have issues. As of these past 6 months I’ve wanted to be dead.
I would like to encourage you to talk about how you feel with your parents. They sound to be caring. And the way you feel needs to be heard. Your voice is important. It doesn’t matter if your life seems “too good” or not. You know even the people who seem to have it all together have their own issues. They just don’t show it. But ultimately we’re only humans. We have feelings, emotions, thoughts. A heart that keeps beating and needs to be cared for. It’s okay to reach out for help. Know that we care about you here. And we want the best for you. We want you to be safe, to feel restored, supported, to feel better and to feel the love that is available to you. You are loved, truly.
Let us know how you’re doing, if that’s okay for you.
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