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Please help and give advice

I found out about this community long ago and have been too scared to even show my struggles in anonymity. I now know I have to. My childhood from birth to 11 was great. My family is the best I could ever ask for. I was saved at the age of six and I’m still a Christian. I know God loves me and I try to love Him. Whenever I was 12, one of my best friends from church committed suicide. The day before he did it we were both working at our vacation Bible school. Never in my mind could I have thought he was struggling with something so big. I found out the next day and became a different person from that point on. The grief for him never left. I love my parents, but they never got me the mental help I needed during this time. One month later I began school, at a new school. I was so nervous and experienced anxiety for the first time. Throughout the year it seemed that I couldn’t make friends. I tried but many of them made fun of me for being short. That was also the reason my friend committed suicide. He was bullied for being short and small. I would go to school everyday worrying if someone else would make fun of me. I worried that I wasn’t good enough or athletic enough to play with the other kids. I never overcame that hurdle. Everyday I felt like trash once I was done with school. I cried so often. Again my parents are amazing people but they did not help me. I desperately needed counseling. The next year was my eighth grade year. I made some friends and my mental state became better. Not all the way but a little. It was a good year for me. I then got into high school. My friends were in different classes. At the time I liked this girl. She was a Christian too, but she often made fun of me for my height too. I can remember just crying because people talked about how short I was for so long. I got so angry at myself. The next year I didn’t like her anymore but things got worse. I had no enjoyment in school. I had no motivation. I got through the year and I honestly don’t know how. I have one memory of that year that I can honestly think of. That summer after 10th grade I met a girl at my youth camp. After our camp week and after a week of working together I texted her. We texted for a month or two and I really liked her. She flirted with me a lot and made it obvious. One day I decided to tell her how I felt. She texted back saying that I was sweet but she wasn’t looking for anything. I was upset but I obviously said that it’s ok and that I hope she finds someone one day. Later on I find out that she didn’t like me because of my height. My mom found out because she was talking to the girl’s mom. I hated myself so much. I couldn’t understand why my height determined my worth. I grew angry to her but also myself. Over my junior year I struggled. However I met another girl who treated me very different. She was always kind to me and talked to me. She never made me feel unworthy of anything. She uplifted me and made me laugh so much. I eventually gained feelings for her and learned to forgive the other girl. This girl, we will call her Blue. Blue became one of my closest friends and I thought I had a good chance with her. I didn’t. She rejected me but this time it was different. She always made sure we were still friends. I tried multiple times to get her but it never worked. Because of this, my depression grew too far. I became attached as a friend. I convinced myself that because of the way I look, I’m worthless and it’s still how I feel. I’ve tried for over a year and a half to get this girl to like me and it never works. I’m sick of knowing I’m unattractive. It’s hard to get over someone that you love so deeply and know that they don’t want to hurt you. I feel that I am a burden for her to carry. I don’t want to be that anymore but I don’t want to lose her. I only made a couple friends in high school. I only have about two real friends now. I feel daily like I am unlikeable. No one talks to me first. I never get invited to anything. I go to work, do some college, and stay at my home throughout the week. On my days off I do chores. No one texts me. I try to text Blue but she doesn’t respond much anymore. I tried earlier this year to come out about my depression in church. People prayed for me. I went and talked to my pastor for a few hours and nothing happened after that day. I tried to text him many times and he never responded. I feel so hopeless because no one cares about me except God and my two friends and parents. I feel like I have too good of a life to have issues. As of these past 6 months I’ve wanted to be dead. God is the only thing keeping me alive. I’ve tried and tried to reach out for help and no one will. I can’t handle much more. Please can someone give me advice.

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I understand very well. It might not work for getting the girl, but it will help you regardless: Work on yourself. Become the man she wants. Stop asking and start making her come to you. I recommend the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.