before i write this i wanna apologize for spelling mistakes bc i’m shaking and crying relaly bad rn so autocorrect is gonna be doing a lot of work.
i’m currently crying on the bathroom floor and i can’t speak. i was sexually and emotionally abused for months by two people, but one of them specifically really ruined me. the one i’m talking about was someone i dated. well call him A for privacy purposes.
showering in general is hard bc of A. not only bc i never feelbg clean after ehat he’s done, but also bc A would make me facetime hjm in the shower and take tons of screenshots. he knew i was uncomfortable w it. he didn’t care. if i didn’t facetime him he would spam me and tell people lies about me or tell people intimate details about my body. he might’ve even sent pictures. i still don’t know. these people ranged from strangers to mutual friends. recently someone who doesn’t like me but knows what happened went on a public platform where she has a lot of followers (1000+) and said i lied. she used my name and said i lied about being raped. people harassed me. the flashbacks wokt stop.
my mother is very a busive and keeps telling me that it’s my fault and no one will believe me and that i’m a whore and a liar. that i’ll never amount to anything and no one will help me.
i’ve been celanbfrom self harm for over a year now. i’m proud of myself but the urges are very strong rn. i’m cold and afraid. i’m crying. i’m unable to speak. nothing is helping. idk what to do. i was okay until i got into the shower and turned on the water. i think the only way to describe how i feeel rn is blubbering idiot baby. i can’t even SHOWER. i can’t do something i used to like. if my mom gets home and finds me like this she’ll scream until i try to kill myself again. i feel really alone. i know others have experienced what i’ve been through and i wish they hadn’t. i wish no one else would ever feel this pain. not even my mother or my abusers. but i feel like no one cares. i feel like my friends don’t actually like me. that they put up w me. maybe they all hate me and that’s why they won’t spend time w me. maybe i’m jsut inconceivnvong everyone by staying alive. my mom makes it very clear how much she hates me and hates driving me t my doctors appointments (i’m in the process of getting my license, i’m 19 almsot 20. i knwo that’s a bit late but there’s been too much happening for me to get lessons til now.) i’m terrified of her getting home. i just wanan feelbclean. i want to shower like a normal person. i don’t wanna cry anymroe. i’m tired. i woman function properly. i’m sorry this was long i’m just upset.