Please help me. (tw abuse, self harm, suicide)

before i write this i wanna apologize for spelling mistakes bc i’m shaking and crying relaly bad rn so autocorrect is gonna be doing a lot of work.

i’m currently crying on the bathroom floor and i can’t speak. i was sexually and emotionally abused for months by two people, but one of them specifically really ruined me. the one i’m talking about was someone i dated. well call him A for privacy purposes.

showering in general is hard bc of A. not only bc i never feelbg clean after ehat he’s done, but also bc A would make me facetime hjm in the shower and take tons of screenshots. he knew i was uncomfortable w it. he didn’t care. if i didn’t facetime him he would spam me and tell people lies about me or tell people intimate details about my body. he might’ve even sent pictures. i still don’t know. these people ranged from strangers to mutual friends. recently someone who doesn’t like me but knows what happened went on a public platform where she has a lot of followers (1000+) and said i lied. she used my name and said i lied about being raped. people harassed me. the flashbacks wokt stop.
my mother is very a busive and keeps telling me that it’s my fault and no one will believe me and that i’m a whore and a liar. that i’ll never amount to anything and no one will help me.
i’ve been celanbfrom self harm for over a year now. i’m proud of myself but the urges are very strong rn. i’m cold and afraid. i’m crying. i’m unable to speak. nothing is helping. idk what to do. i was okay until i got into the shower and turned on the water. i think the only way to describe how i feeel rn is blubbering idiot baby. i can’t even SHOWER. i can’t do something i used to like. if my mom gets home and finds me like this she’ll scream until i try to kill myself again. i feel really alone. i know others have experienced what i’ve been through and i wish they hadn’t. i wish no one else would ever feel this pain. not even my mother or my abusers. but i feel like no one cares. i feel like my friends don’t actually like me. that they put up w me. maybe they all hate me and that’s why they won’t spend time w me. maybe i’m jsut inconceivnvong everyone by staying alive. my mom makes it very clear how much she hates me and hates driving me t my doctors appointments (i’m in the process of getting my license, i’m 19 almsot 20. i knwo that’s a bit late but there’s been too much happening for me to get lessons til now.) i’m terrified of her getting home. i just wanan feelbclean. i want to shower like a normal person. i don’t wanna cry anymroe. i’m tired. i woman function properly. i’m sorry this was long i’m just upset.

1 Like

@halfdeadsiren I care, otherwise I wouldn’t of read that whole message. Definitely seems like you are going through a lot and your mom isn’t helping the situation. I myself have never been in this situation but plenty of my friends have unfortunately and its appsolutly terrible. I feel like you need to cut all ties with these people regardless of the outcome and move on. Sure this will take quite a long time but it will get better. None of these people should be your friends if they don’t believe you got sexually abused that’s just not something anyone should joke about. I also think you should call the National Sexual Assault Telephone hotline 800-799-7233 its 24/7 and tell them what’s going on.

About the whole not getting your license thing don’t worry about it. I also didn’t get my license until I was 19. So don’t sweat it. So if you would like a small list of what you should do I suggest this:

Accept that the abuse isn’t your responsibility

Disengage and set personal boundaries

Exit the relationship or circumstance

Give yourself time to heal

I also highly suggest you read a book called “Codependent no more” by melody Beattie

I may only be one person but I do care. I hope this helps.