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Please helps me

My husband is screaming outside. I locked him out because I can’t take his reaction to the fact that I chose to get a hotel room to deal with the anxiety I deal with when her s mom comes.please help me

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You’re doing what you need to do for you and that’s what’s important. Do you have any headphones to block out the sound? Maybe you have the number of one of his close friends that you could ask to reach out to him and talk him down.

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Thank you. I did what you recommended as am okay this morning. Anxious but okay. I am in the process of trying to figure out what to do about the dynamic in our relationship. Everything seems fine until I stand up for myself and draw a line in the sand with him, then he gets angry. I will write more later. Thank you for replying to me.

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II’m a mess. I joined the community because I am so double minded about my marriage. I’ve known the guy for almost 40 years. The first 6 months of our relationship was great then the first time I had a different opinion everything went south. Our relationship has followed this same pattern all this time. Everything is fine until I disagree with some of his actions or decisions. Then I get punished for it. It has gotten more subtle over the years but the intimidation is there just the same. I’ve had to live with feelings of insecurity, rejection, and powerlessness. I grew up in a home where I had to work really hard to gain approval from my parents and keep my mom from getting angry. That’s basically all I’ve ever known. Over the last week a desire to become the person God wants me to be had come back to me and I have just started to trust him again. I’m not sure what his view in this is with my husband. I’m never totally sure I’m seeing things clearly.
He told me yesterday morning that his mom would be passing through and probably stay Monday night. She has stayed longer in the past depending on how anxious she is to get to her Florida house. We only have a three bedroom house and they are all taken because our adult son just moved backed in with us. My husband expected either the two boys to share a room or have the adult son stay at another sons house. Well none of the boys agreed to any of that so now he plans on putting her on the couch. Unfortunately for me I have double the workload this week and deadlines to meet so I need to get up really early to get everything done. She tends to get up pretty early too and needs attention and it creates a stressful environment because I end up doing what she needs and answering questions because my husband is still in bed. That’s why I told him I was going to a hotel. He says he’ll take care of her but the reality is when she actually gets here he vanished outside, to the store anywhere but in the house. It’s not the first time this has been an issue. Part of me feels like it’s trivial, but the other part of me feels violated, because neither of them ask. His mom just shows up and he expects me to just roll with the punches no matter how difficult or overwhelming it makes my work week. I guess the other thing is that he respects the boys boundaries but not mine because he thinks this is unreasonable of me to expect him to stand up to his mom. I guess I’m sharing this because it is a picture of what our relationship is like across the board.

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Hey @Denise07,

Thank you so much for being here and taking the time to share about how’s the situation at home. I hope that, since your first post, you managed to rest and feel a little less anxiety.

Part of me feels like it’s trivial, but the other part of me feels violated, because neither of them ask. His mom just shows up and he expects me to just roll with the punches no matter how difficult or overwhelming it makes my work week. I guess the other thing is that he respects the boys boundaries but not mine because he thinks this is unreasonable of me to expect him to stand up to his mom. I guess I’m sharing this because it is a picture of what our relationship is like across the board.

Please know that this doesn’t sound trivial at all. It’s part of your life, it’s making you feel stressed, anxious, and as you said it stems out of a larger issue concerning your relationship with your husband. I would feel overwhelmed too if my partner invited his family unexpectedly while I would have - implicitely - to handle everything and take care of everyone. I would appreciate to be asked before and make the decision together. That’s a lot to handle at the same time and some equality is needed. It makes sense to feel how you feel. There’s fundamentally nothing wrong with being upset/sad because of this situation.

It sounds that there’s been this kind of issue between you and your partner for a long time. Not specifically related to him inviting his mother, but more generally in the way you communicate and live together. It’s good that you are willing to share about it and find some clarity through all of this.

Our relationship has followed this same pattern all this time. Everything is fine until I disagree with some of his actions or decisions. Then I get punished for it. It has gotten more subtle over the years but the intimidation is there just the same. I’ve had to live with feelings of insecurity, rejection, and powerlessness.

I hear you. Disagreements can be tough to handle, especially when someone in the relationship is not willing to “agree to disagree”. If I may ask: how your interactions look like in these moments? What are the kind of things he does or says that makes you feel intimitated or punished? If you don’t want to respond, that’s okay/I understand. I’m only asking to understand a little more your situation. :hrtlegolove: As you’ve been knowing each other for a long time, I imagine you’ve been quite often through this pattern you describe. So my wish for you is to be safe and okay.

If you’re willing to keep sharing about it, or anything else, this forum is a safe place to do it. No judgment, only love and support to you. You don’t have to do or say anything to gain that love or respect. You already have it here in this community.

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Thank you for your comments. I don’t mind sharing because I need an objective point of view. When something comes up that he wants to do he will avoid talking to me and just do it then tell me after or say he doesn’t have a choice (like when his mom comes) or he will keep asking until I say yes even though I don’t want to.
If I get upset and question his honesty or his motives when he goes and does something without telling me or I keep resisting he will get angry and either dismiss my concerns, accuse me of doing the same thing in the past, or stop talking all together.

Part of the problem is that I hate disappointing people, and I grew up in a home in which I could not express my needs or desires. One of my parents dominated our home. It makes me uncomfortable to put what I want first or even second. Second we were part of a patriarchal church and women were expected to serve their families, and men were the “authority” so I have had decades of this mindset ingrained in me. I have been trying to undo it for the last 12 years but I am in a vulnerable position because I am dependent on my husband financially. I have spent my life taking care of our family. I teach at a private school so my youngest can attend for free. I get paid but not enough to support myself.
He has never had to change or work very hard at this relationship because of my dependence on him. I know I can’t force him to respect me but I need to make a change.

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I am writing this for documentation so I can come back and see if there is a pattern. Our school has a half day today but I have to stay and fill out report cards. I told my son earlier in the week he could stay home and do distance learning so he wasn’t stuck at school all after noon My husband decides to call of work this morning because he said he woke up with a migraine. I woke up around 3:45 and he wasn’t in bed. I was wondering what he was doing but he came back to bed when I got up. He was fine when he got up the second time. I suspect he was planning on taking off and used the headache as an excuse. If he told me he was planning on doing that I would have taken our son to school because my husband could pick him up.
I got really angry because when he does unexpected things like this it triggers a fear in me that he is hiding things from me.
I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid or if it is justified. There is obviously something wrong in our relationship because I don’t feel secure or loved by him.
If I bring up my insecurities he dismisses them as silly.
I have caught him in lies before so my fear is not totally unfounded. Yuck. I’m trying to unravel the tangled up mess that is in my heart.

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Thank you so much for sharing a little more @Denise07. :hrtlegolove:

When something comes up that he wants to do he will avoid talking to me and just do it then tell me after or say he doesn’t have a choice (like when his mom comes) or he will keep asking until I say yes even though I don’t want to. If I get upset and question his honesty or his motives when he goes and does something without telling me or I keep resisting he will get angry and either dismiss my concerns, accuse me of doing the same thing in the past, or stop talking all together.

So it’s either: avoidance, being insistant, deciding for you, dismissing your needs or being accusative. That’s indeed many different ways not to communicate at all. I’m sorry it’s been like this. It’s really hard when you try to find a way to discuss in a healthy and respectful way, yet the person in front of you is not listening or dismissing what you say. It sounds to be a repetition of one sided conversations.

Part of the problem is that I hate disappointing people, and I grew up in a home in which I could not express my needs or desires. One of my parents dominated our home. It makes me uncomfortable to put what I want first or even second. Second we were part of a patriarchal church and women were expected to serve their families, and men were the “authority” so I have had decades of this mindset ingrained in me.

Oh friend, that truly makes sense. Your first point really speaks to my heart as well. One of my parents was also very dominating - even abusive. Even as a grown adult, arguments scare me and I’m constantly afraid not to be enough. It is the perfect recipe to put others needs before ours. It takes time to work on those feelings and learn that we are enough just as we are. That love doesn’t have to be earned and respect should be a norm.

Same for your second point, it’s really understandable. I see how this could have affected the way you envisioned a loving relationship, and just your perception of men/women roles in a family. Again, it takes time to work on that kind of mindset.

But I want to take a moment to acknowledge your self-awareness and your efforts. It’s not easy to be aware of how your past impacted you. That knowledge is a strength, really. It’s part of what helps you and will help you to change your narrative.

He has never had to change or work very hard at this relationship because of my dependence on him. I know I can’t force him to respect me but I need to make a change.

Sorry if my question is a little bit stupid given the circumstances: did you ever consider counseling? I mean as a couple - but still I imagine that this idea is likely not to be okay for him, so maybe at least for yourself? Would it be something possible or affordable to you? Or do you think eventually that there could be free services in your living area?

If I bring up my insecurities he dismisses them as silly.

It’s a very personal opinion, but that sounds to be very close to gaslighting, which is when the person in front of you dismisses your reality and what you express. Though a conversation about feelings should never end in an argument. There’s no judgment to have when it’s about feelings. You have the right to have emotions. Even more, you have the right to say it.

I have been trying to undo it for the last 12 years but I am in a vulnerable position because I am dependent on my husband financially.

It seems to me that there is indeed a need for more mutual respect, understanding, communication. A relationship is made of two individuals who have a voice to share and needs to be fulfilled.

If I may ask, how do you envision your relationship from now? What does your heart tells you? I hear that it feels like a tangled up mess, which is really understandable. It’s like looking at a situation you’ve known for a long time, but slowly with a different perspective. Be gentle and patient with yourself, friend. I believe you’ll find some clarity progressively in the midst of what feels probably like a fog right now.

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That is great question. I have been in counseling on and off over the last 12 years. The first round was marriage counseling with a pastor. We met once a week for about 8 weeks. During this time my father had died, we were going through a financial crises of 2008, losing our house, I got physically sick because of the stress. I didn’t get much comfort or support from my husband which is why we were in counseling he was really distant and I stumbled on some alcohol he had hidden which triggered that insecurity again. When I brought this up I said I wasn’t upset about him drinking it was that he hid it. The final meeting the pastor rebuked me and told me I was bitter. I was totally demoralized and came the closest I ever have to a nervous breakdown. Of course at that time I had no idea why I was feeling so insecure and discouraged and crazy.
Our church at the time believed that every problem was rooted in sin. Unfortunately, it reinforced my husbands viewpoint that I was the problem.
The counselor I had for a very brief period after the first disaster, was great, we really connected but she moved out of state.
We tried couples counseling again with a licensed counselor, but we never resolved anything, he blamed our circumstances and I felt like he wasn’t committed to our relationship.
I have been in counseling alone after that but have struggled with finding someone I felt safe enough to open up to.
COVID hasn’t helped either. I’ve looked around but most places have waiting lists. I used better help but can’t afford it right now, because I have other health expenses I have to pay off.
I’m sorry this sounds so negative. It’s not that everyday is horrible, it’s kind of funny that after my first post here he started being really nice to me. The unfortunate part is that there’s still always that elephant in the room and I never know what to expect on any given day. This morning is a prime example. The other concern I have which is why I keep writing is that I’m afraid if he found out I was posting he would be really angry at me.
I’m actually not trying to make him look bad, I just need to figure out why some of the things he does triggers the reactions in me.
Thank you !

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I’m sorry this sounds so negative.

Hey, no worries. It sounds that you’ve been doing a lot to find a solution, a way to connect and communicate differently with each other. I applaud your efforts for the counseling with different people. Though I’m sorry it didn’t work yet. It’s a difficult combination to find: the right counselor, the right counseling and, eventually, the right moment. It sounds that your husband was having all his walls up at the moment, which is a human reaction, but it makes it difficult to communicate in a way that would be helpful for both of you. On a positive note, it’s good to see that you were both okay with trying to see a counselor.

It’s not that everyday is horrible, it’s kind of funny that after my first post here he started being really nice to me. The unfortunate part is that there’s still always that elephant in the room and I never know what to expect on any given day.

That really makes sense. It sounds that the first issue is agreeing to talk together and not only about the things that are pleasant or comfortable. For some people, disagreement equals argument, they fear what could happen - while it doesn’t have to go along if both parties are willing to make it work. It’s uncomfortable though, to talk about things we don’t want to think about - such as what’s not working in a relationship or what needs to be changed. My partner and I are facing a difficult time as well, for different reasons. But I noticed that he can be very dismissive when he’s… afraid. Afraid of bringing a subject up, afraid of his own feelings/emotions and showing them, afraid of being vulnerable. So he armors himself and can be very direct/harsh, which makes me sad or frustrated. It’s a vicious circle, and not easy to let him know that it’s okay to be vulnerable.

The other concern I have which is why I keep writing is that I’m afraid if he found out I was posting he would be really angry at me.

I’m actually not trying to make him look bad, I just need to figure out why some of the things he does triggers the reactions in me.

I understand. And definitely not receive your messages as being judgmental at all. As you said, you’re just trying to figure out what’s going on. Though I respect your concerns, so please, always share in a way that is comfortable to you.

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I can see what you are saying. Thank you for sharing your struggles with your partner. I think relationships are hard and no one likes disagreements because of wounds we bring into relationships. I hope that his fear is what motivating his behavior.

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