Poly relationship and feeling lonely and unwanted

So im married and love my spouse immensely but they are assexual and not big on cuddles or touching and everything. For the most part this was fine as we were very emotionally intimate. As our marriage went on and through the pandemic however, i feel we’ve been disconnected. Since date nights werent a thing, we hardly hung out together. My spouse got a new desk setup in their room and mine was in the living room and often we wouldnt even eat dinner together.

To complicate matters, we have a boyfriend as well. We both like him and have fun but more often than not i feel like my spouse and them go off together or plan cosplay together and I’m just an after thought. They want cute photos together in cosplay and thats fine but I’m not really included since there werent any plans for me to also have a matching costume.

Our boyfriend complains that they dont get to spend as much time with us and that I get to see my spouse everyday since they live 6 hours away - and thats entirely fair but its not like my spouse pays me any attention when we’re at home. Often when they get home from work they go on their computer in their room and come down to grab dinner or let me know theyre going to bed.

It feels like since we’re married they dont have to try anymore. Like, theres no need to impress or anything. They dont need to “win” me over so theres no need for flirting either.

I really dont know what to do anymore. When im sad it just pushes everyone else away more but i feel like im not in any relationships at this point, not in my marriage and not with our boyfriend. A lot of time it feels like if i didnt exist at all it wouldnt change anything. Ive brought it up before in conversation but it doesnt ever change anything… i think because my spouse doesnt understand why im upset or thinks im being silly and overthinking things.

3 Likes

Welcome to heart support! It’s wonderful to have you in this community.
Relationships can indeed be very hard to keep thriving. Sometimes they can take a lot of work. Those date nights and those times scheduled are so important.
My first thought is if they would be at all interested in couples therapy? That way you’d have space to talk about how you feel and also have that validation of how you feel. Because you’re not over thinking. I’ve been in relationships and even friendships where I’ve felt the same as you.

If that’s not something you or your partners would feel comfortable with, perhaps starting a date time schedule? Alternate date nights between the individuals and then do one as a group.
Maybe even once a month arrange when all the different date nights are going to happen throughout it.
And if anyone is feeling left out or isolated from the others, then have a safe time during group date night to talk about it. To validate each other.
It could be a good start anyway.
I do hope that things start to go a bit smoother for you

2 Likes

Hello, Mmmoriarty, and welcome to the HeartSupport community! Is that a Sherlock Holmes reference in your name? I’m a huge fan of the character if so. I’m glad you felt safe coming here to talk about how you’ve been feeling.
I definitely echo Bimini’s sentiments and ideas about couples counseling and trying to schedule time together, especially meals together throughout the week and time to spend together. It definitely sounds like you need that and maybe your partner does as well but isn’t sure what you two should do. Do you have similar hobbies? Like do you both enjoy games? That can be a great thing to do together and sometimes even being together alone while doing them. What I mean by that is playing the same game or separate games on your computers but in your own space while in a Discord/phone call together so you can talk to each other when you want while still being apart.

I also have a few thoughts and questions about the situation with your spouse’s orientations but if you are not comfortable talking about them please feel free to ignore me or DM me individually if you would like. I am aromantic asexual which is why I say this. I can understand some about what your partner may experience. Is your partner aromantic as well? Or do you know their romantic thoughts/orientations? Because the different types of attraction can be a big factor in how you interact and can understand different relationships. I’m going to share a website here that may help you and/or them to better understand how each other feels and what each other may need out of and is willing to provide in your relationship.

Relationships between a-spec (aromantic/asexual/etc spectrum’ed people) and allo (romantic/sexual/etc people- which are those who experience those types of feelings and attractions) can be wonderful and fulfilling but they can be a lot of work and definitely depend a lot on communication in some ways more than common relationships between two allo-people and if your communication is lacking then you should definitely try to talk about it with your spouse. If they are aromantic then they may not even understand what those feelings are which may be why they gravitate towards the more friend-like activities with your boyfriend rather than the more partner/relationship centric activities with you such as quality time/dinner/cohabitating.

I definitely suggest having conversations separately with your spouse and your boyfriend and then a conversation with all of you in which you fully express how you’ve been feeling and asking them about their feelings towards you and each other and your situation. You deserve to have your thoughts and feelings heard and validated in both of your relationships. You should feel like an equal partner and not an outcast.

I wanted to touch again on the

and say that there is a part of the aromantic spectrum called “Quoiromantic” which basically means someone who does not even know what romantic attraction is or romantic feelings are. It may be worth asking your spouse what romance/romantic feelings are to them because if they are invalidating your feelings in the way you describe it is possible they just don’t understand what those feelings are and thus cannot fully empathise with what you are experiencing and you may need to help them understand. I am this type as well and when people try to describe romantic things to me I say things like “that’s just friendship” and get very confused.

I’m so sorry for all of the rambling. I hope this helps you some and as I said please feel free to respond or not and my DMs are open if you would like to talk about it with me privately.

Thank you for sharing your story on the forum and I hope you continue sharing with us whenever you wish. Good luck talking to your spouse and boyfriend and good luck with everything. You matter and you deserve love and understanding :hrtlegolove:

3 Likes

Hello,

I’m so sorry to hear about your circumstance.

I feel like the question to ask yourself is really, why did I end up in this situation? What in my past brought me to this?

Because it seems like, although you have two close relationships, they somehow are distance. Whether it be distance emotionally, or long distance, or the sort of hierarchical issue, I think it says something about your issues, and could tell you what you need to work on, in order to feel more secure in future relationships - romantic, friendship or whatever.

I obviously don’t know the full story, but one thing I can say for sure, is taking that leap to trust in your instinct, but not to know what comes next is a really difficult thing to do.

It seems like your spouse is brushing off the way you feel and that’s just not acceptable for a romantic relationship, and doesn’t have anything to do with being asexual, but is more of a way maybe of coping with your emotions, or feeling secure in their relationships but at the cost of your peace. It just seems selfish almost, not to offend you.

My advice would be to sit them down both together and explain how it makes you feel, and then say if it is not worked on you will have to make a change in your boundaries. Sometime alone, with a break from these relationships might clear your head?

Wish you the best of luck. You’re not in the wrong for the way you are feeling.

best, V

1 Like