Pornography and how it is slowly killing me

[Zwil_99]

Hey all,

So like many of us here, I’ve struggled with pornography addiction throughout my life. I used to be able to go for several weeks or even a couple of months without it, but now it has me coming back once a week. It’s not even what I like anymore though. After a decade of dong something, it just makes a leech out of itself on your life. I literally shake uncontrollably when I am about to watch it, because I know that I don’t want it, but I watch it anyway. Truth is, I hate pornography. From the overexposure of it in our society, to how it demeans men and women alike, to how industries can get rich from this disgusting misconception of love, I simply despise it. So why do I watch it? I really don’t know.

I feel that my interpersonal relationships are being affected by this too. I have random moods swings from where I’m either extremely excited or extremely sad, but I wouldn’t say depressed. I almost feel like I’m just a spectator and my body just does what it wants.

I feel like its affecting my idea of women too. I check out almost every girl I see, but none of them stand out as “the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” Because I’ve seen beautiful women in this “romantic” atmosphere in pornography where they’re fully exposing themselves so many times. I’ve been in a relationship three different times with this burden, but how could I truly love one woman when I’ve seen thousands of different women over the span of a decade. I’m beginning to think that I can never be in another relationship, because the images that I’ve seen have seared themselves into my mind- I can’t ever unsee that, and unless I figure out what triggers the need to watch porn, I will never win.

I never watch it during the day, it’s always between 10pm and 3am. There’s just this feeling of emptiness that growls inside of me towards that time, where I tell myself, “just one video couldn’t hurt.” And then one turns to two, then three, then four, then all of a sudden I have lost an hour and a half of sleep. I hate myself for being so weak to do something that I hate with a burning passion. I hate that I encourage this in my own life. I am exhausted from hating myself for this. At this point, I have tried cutting things out of my life to see what makes me want to watch it- instagram, youtube, twitter, ifunny, and anything else that might have any kind of relation to sexual images. I have set up parental controls on my computer and phone, and even though I no longer watch it on my laptop, I simply turn off the controls to my iPhone when I lose control. I have never told anyone about this, and I am embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, and exhausted beyond my own belief.

Any thoughts?

[MorganVinHoch]

Hey @Zwil_99

I’m Morgan, I am an intern at HS. Thank you so much for sharing this, thank you for being a part of this community, and for being vulnerable with us here.

Im really sorry this got you really down my friend. I know how it feels, as someone who also struggles with this also. Its so true its like a leech, but remember anything can be healed. Yeah you are going to have those images in your head for the rest of your life. It is up to you to not let this affect your thoughts about women. This is such a deep hard conversation because I know what this is like. Ways I have avoided porn is when I feel the wanting I go for a run, go play a video game, read my bible, call up my best friend. Its a daily struggle.

You are not a terrible person for this and you will win this battle. It takes times with failures and successes.
If you want hit me up on the our discord at MorganVinHoch whenever you are struggling and I will do my best to answer back. The best way to fighting this is having accountability with people that care about you and this.

[Monkey]

Hey Zwil,

First I want to say welcome to the community, and I’m so glad you are here and part of this community. I want to remind you that you are loved and welcomed here despite whatever you are going through, and you are never alone, and specifically in this struggle you are not alone!

There’s two things I want to have you look at:

- YouTube

Still struggling myself

I’ve posed as someone who’s got it together for…a long time, ever since I started taking on a real role at HeartSupport. I started to believe this lie: if I’m going to help others, I can’t let them know I struggle too. But the truth is I’ve continued to struggle with an addiction to porn. Though I’ve put earnest effort towards freedom, I’ve spent the past few years fighting this alone. Here’s what it’s been like for a long time: Struggle, relapse, feel terrible, confess to a friend or my wife…

^^ These two things from Nate, one of the staff members here at heart support is what started me on my journey of healing and freedom from my addiction to pornography (that I’ve struggled with for going on three years now). So not only is this a reminder that you are not alone in your struggles, but also that we see you, and people in this heart support family struggle with this as well.

It’s interesting tome, as I stumbled across this topic after talking with someone else about this, and providing similar resources to them as well. I feel like I’m stealing Nate’s thunder here, but a lot of the advice I’m giving you is the same advice he gave me. So here it goes, first you need to stop focusing on days clean from this and start desiring freedom. What this doesn’t mean is that you should continue to watch porn until you’re free from it, rather the desire for freedom from this addiction is what we should want and long for. “Recovery is a 2-5 year process with a miracle from God everyday.” I’ve heard this a million times and it’s so true, recovery is a process and is not going to happen overnight.

The next thing that’s been really helpful for me is journaling, I’m pretty sure this model came from the 12-Steps Program but I may be wrong. But most of the time when relapse occurs (with any addiction we go through these things), and it’s called the FASTER Scale

F- Forgetting Priorities
A- Anxiety
S- Speeding Up
T- Ticked Off
E- Exhausted
R- Relapse

So in my time journaling I go through these things, and I journal these everyday whether I relapse or not. And see what got me to relapse, and if I don’t relapse what stopped me from relapsing that day. I hope that this is an encouragement to you. And I just want to remind you that you are not alone! I want to leave you with one of my favorite verses, and I hope that it encourages you!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey

p.s.- I encourage you to read this amazing blog that Ben Sledge (the executive director of Heart Support) wrote about pornography: Generation Porn - God Loves Sex and Free People - Benjamin Sledge

[MentallyillGamer]

There are things people are addicted to that they don’t even think about like sugar, caffienne or seasonings. So I always think of what I call the big three: Disease, Disorder & Addiction. Sometimes they are one and the same, two out of three or just one of these.

As for porn, I’ve my preferences and I think I might be addicted as well even though I do not think porn is a “sin”. It might influence people to do things that are wrong or have people compare what happens in porn to an actual intimate experience which is unhealthy. I take porn as what it is, fictional and it should stay in that realm.

Also guys (& women) should never compare their experiences or themselves to porn. There are circumstances, conditions & expectations put in that environment that isn’t conducive to a progressive or productive life in any existing society. IMHO

In other words don’t base your values or worthiness on what you witness in porn or its industry.

[AVJR]

@Zwil_99 Thank you for sharing. I struggle with pornography too. I relapse this morning. I agree with @Monkey and @MorganVinHoch. You will get better.

[lawrenced]

@Zwil_99,

Thank you for being transparent and sharing your story! This is the pivotal time in taking the first step.

In speaking for myself, there is a draw to it in curiosity and fantasy. We train our minds in believing that indulging in it momentarily, we will be satisfied and can move on. In reality, we are actually manipulating our minds and training us to compromise how we view the opposite sex both physically and emotionally. If we are married, it scars our marriage in how we view our spouse and comparing them to pornography. If we are single, it scars our future significant other.

We tell ourselves that it is not harming anyone since it is typically done in secret behind closed doors, but it damages not only us but those who are in our lives. Now the tough part is, how do we overcome this? Action items in helping and starting the process can start at prayer. Praying that God would help you in resisting and protecting our mind, heart, and intentions. Second, telling a close confident friend who you trust that has your best intentions in mind for accountability. Lastly, installing programs that can help on your phone and laptop like, Covenant Eyes which setup can disable being able to go to those websites to help resist so in weak moments it will help.

All in all, I’m not perfect either and by no means, I’ve wrestled with this before and these are the things that have helped me. I hope that you also don’t get too down on yourself, we are flawed people, but with honesty, transparency, and community we can overcome and become better people. Continue to fight, you got this!

-L