So like many of us here, I’ve struggled with pornography addiction throughout my life. I used to be able to go for several weeks or even a couple of months without it, but now it has me coming back once a week. It’s not even what I like anymore though. After a decade of dong something, it just makes a leech out of itself on your life. I literally shake uncontrollably when I am about to watch it, because I know that I don’t want it, but I watch it anyway. Truth is, I hate pornography. From the overexposure of it in our society, to how it demeans men and women alike, to how industries can get rich from this disgusting misconception of love, I simply despise it. So why do I watch it? I really don’t know.
I feel that my interpersonal relationships are being affected by this too. I have random moods swings from where I’m either extremely excited or extremely sad, but I wouldn’t say depressed. I almost feel like I’m just a spectator and my body just does what it wants.
I feel like its affecting my idea of women too. I check out almost every girl I see, but none of them stand out as “the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” Because I’ve seen beautiful women in this “romantic” atmosphere in pornography where they’re fully exposing themselves so many times. I’ve been in a relationship three different times with this burden, but how could I truly love one woman when I’ve seen thousands of different women over the span of a decade. I’m beginning to think that I can never be in another relationship, because the images that I’ve seen have seared themselves into my mind- I can’t ever unsee that, and unless I figure out what triggers the need to watch porn, I will never win.
I never watch it during the day, it’s always between 10pm and 3am. There’s just this feeling of emptiness that growls inside of me towards that time, where I tell myself, “just one video couldn’t hurt.” And then one turns to two, then three, then four, then all of a sudden I have lost an hour and a half of sleep. I hate myself for being so weak to do something that I hate with a burning passion. I hate that I encourage this in my own life. I am exhausted from hating myself for this. At this point, I have tried cutting things out of my life to see what makes me want to watch it- instagram, youtube, twitter, ifunny, and anything else that might have any kind of relation to sexual images. I have set up parental controls on my computer and phone, and even though I no longer watch it on my laptop, I simply turn off the controls to my iPhone when I lose control. I have never told anyone about this, and I am embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, and exhausted beyond my own belief.