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Pornography

I am a Christian and I have struggled with porn for a long time I am now getting married and my fiancé doesn’t want me to watch porn anymore I don’t want to watch it but I still do and I don’t know what to do.

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@coleandrew

Pray to the Holy Spirit to increase Godly sorrow in you. You will overcome it.

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There is nothing wrong with watching porn. It is completely natural. Your fiancé / religion seems to have a control issue. I would just be honest with them or not but seriously, give yourself porn. life is short and there are so many actual evils in this world, no need to make porn into something it’s not. This is coming from a woman. I don’t know what gender your fiancée is but quite frankly sounds like they need some more porn in their life…best of luck to you on your journey of self love!

@Lastchance Hey friend, I’m glad you can consume pornography in a manner that is healthy for you, but many people in this community struggle with it. And no, it’s not always due to guilt based in religious conviction. While you are able to continue having a healthy relationship with porn, not everyone is and I would simply ask that you please try to not provide overgeneralized blanket statements when regarding someone else’s struggles.

Thank you for reading, hold fast.

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Certainly not generalizing just offering my opinion as plainly as the guy above me who suggested “praying to the holy spirit to increase godly sorrow in you” both equally valid and healthy options but sorry for offending you!

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Hey. Whether or not porn is ok or wrong is entirely dependent on your own convictions. It sounds like you and your fiance are together on that conviction and that’s wonderful! Step one is being in agreement.

My husband and I also believe porn is wrong. We’ve both taken turns struggling with it honestly. I haven’t struggled with that in years praise god but every once in a while my hubby falls back into it. Here’s the thing… We are humans. We do fall.

Whenever he sinks back into the porn rut he feels super guilty and I can just tell something is off with him, with us. Eventually he tells me whats up and honestly he’s always so upset with himself that I don’t even get angry. He feels that conviction. So he tells me, and turns from it. It’s important to me that he feels ok talking about it or telling me when he needs help or when he feels like he’s messed up. If it’s some dirty shameful secret it will only cause more division. So we talk. We remember to have grace and forgiveness with each other and to support each other.

Sex in a marriage isn’t just about the physical act, it’s about the intimacy. Personally we feel that when we’ve watched porn our perspective on sex is just messed up. If he’s watched porn I’m always wondering if he’s comparing me or us to what he’s seen or if he’s wishing we were different or if he’s just wanting more. Wondering if I’m not enough. It also has negative effects on him! He starts wondering if he’s good enough and all that jazz. We’re so much happier when porn is not a part of our lives. The trust and intimacy is so much more natural.

I’m proud of you for posting and sharing that. Porn is so normalized and accepted that it can be hard to speak up and be the one to say you’re not ok with it. If you both agree that you don’t want that as part of your lives than treat it as any other sin. Pray for strength, guidance, grace. Repent and be honest. Accept that you are human and it’s ok to try again… and again and again. You are definitely not alone in that battle. Find some christian men or other christian couples who agree with your convictions who can stand by you for accountability, support and encouragement.

It may sound cheesy but something that helped my hubby overcome it was finding things to do whenever the temptation came up. Play a video game, walk the dog, read the bible lol. Anything that can be a quick go to replacement. I know it’s easier said than done but posting here was already a huge step!

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Porn is a really hard addiction. Especially when you are in a relationship and struggle with it. But it can cause a lot of damage, hurt feelings, insecurity and strain the relationship if it is not addressed.

My best friends husband was addicted to porn to the point that it ruined trust in their relationship and caused a lot of pain for my best friend. Nothing sucks more than being in a relationship and marriage and not being able to trust your spouse.

My ex was also addicted to porn and often looked at it behind my back and lied to me about it even when I caught them. It also caused a lot of trust issues, unhappiness, insecurity and strain.

It’s important to ask yourself if it is worth the hurt is causing for you, your family and your life. What do you value more? And what are some things you can do to help yourself distance from that.

When you are in a relationship, it should be about you and who you are with. Any thing or person that could come between that, damper your trust or hurt your relationship should be let go of.

Maybe talking to a pastor could help with this.

One of the Heart Support members @Nate actually came over a porn addiction and shares his story here: https://youtu.be/KMnmyIyuuFs

Maybe his story could be of some help or inspiration for you.

I hope that you are able to find some peace, guidance and healing.

  • Kitty
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Hi friend, I know you may be trying to help, but you can’t invalidate the hurt that porn can cause in relationships. It may be normal and natural to get in the mood and want “help” …but it can be entirely inappropriate. Just because a spouse or partner doesn’t want their partner to look at it, does not mean they are being controlling. Its less about control and more about loyalty.

Since they are coming here for help with porn, perhaps it should be left to things that could offer more encouragement to overcome it. Rather than criticizing their loved ones for feelings that are okay, normal and understandable.

Of course every relationship and person is different. So perhaps porn is okay for you and your relationship. But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy for everyone.

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That is certainly as valid an opinion as mine :slight_smile: just offering some help to someone’s who seems to need it, sometimes we get stuck in toxic thought patterns and changing the way we look at things can be helpful. Perhaps I can offer some other advice if you are hard set on not watching porn I would recommend practicing imagining things that you have seen in the past that turn you on. If you practice this enough you will not need porn to arouse yourself and this can enjoy healthy masturbation without the sins or disloyalty you associate with of porn. Hope this will be helpful best of luck!

Horrible advice there from @Lastchance. As for the spiritual aspect, the Bible is pretty clear on what sexual conduct is okay and what is not. I used to think I was a Christian…until I fully examined myself. Eventually months or years passed and the truth of me being a false convert was glaring. Pornography is a problem for the world and for Christians. Some people (i.e. above) do not see it as a problem. If you’re here @coleandrew, you are aware that you have an issue at hand. My best advice is to seek Christ-like solutions and avoid asking ungodly people (no matter how well intentioned we are here) for answers. A sinner can’t help a saint stay out of sin. A few resources: https://rurecovery.com/ may point you in the right direction. It’s an active curriculum and program of support that is centered around Christ and Biblical answers. Another resource that someone had offered me was https://www.amazon.com/Finally-Free-Fighting-Purity-Power/

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Thank you this honestly was so helpful to hear someone’s experience and personal story of their marriage

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Thank you so much I will look into the resources that you offered and I appreciate your input and your Christ centered viewpoint

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I know this struggle so well. Let me tell you everything I’ve learned and how I’ve failed.

Trying harder doesn’t work. People like you and I already know this. This isn’t going to be a popular opinion, but it’s not because we haven’t prayed enough, read scripture enough, opened up about it, etc.

What has helped me the most is getting educated and finding a conqueror group. Finding others and letting them in is a huge part of the battle. When other people truly know you, and still accept/love you, it breaks you. Don’t underestimate this part, you simply can not do this alone.

Porn is primarily a brain problem. We still struggle because we have carved neurological pathways in our brain. When we are anxious, we view porn. When we are depressed, we view porn. When we feel overwhelmed, we view porn. When we celebrate, we view porn. It’s a drug, it’s a method created to cope with life, to escape. And unless we create new pathways stronger than the old, we will always return there. Find tools that help you. Find scriptures that speak to you. We are called to renew our minds, but without others and his healing you won’t find lasting freedom.

I am so glad you reached out here and openly admitted to struggling. I hope you can see yourself as an addict and find the help you need. Here’s some resources that I’ve used that have helped in my journey.

There are many of us in this battle, you are not alone. I hope these words find you well and are encouraging. Be blessed.


https://www.unwantedworkbook.com

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Look son, in this life, we are both the prisoner and also the Warden (prison :policewoman: officer). We can choose to lock ourselves in any given situation, we can choose to let ourselves out too. Don’t let anyone or anything convince you otherwise… Reach for the keys my dear friend, they are in your pocket.

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Hello
In a worldly answer It is best to do what your wife wants in situations like these. Later on in this marriage you will want your wife to do things that are pleasing to you. “Happy wife equals a happy life” lol.

On a serious note, masturbation is a sin, we are supposed to treat our bodies as a temple and we ( assuming you are a christian as well) have the living holy spirit with in us. We do not want to want to grieve the holy spirit within us by doing such things. As Christians we are saved by Jesus, so when we sin we can always repent. However, we are not to live in sin habitually/ live in the sin. Stated in the Holy Bible Hebrew 10:29," Just think how much worse the punishment will be for those who have trampled on the Son of God, and have treated the blood of the covenant, which made us holy, as if it were common and unholy, and have insulted and disdained the Holy Spirit who brings God’s mercy to us."

Now that you realize that masturbation is a sin, I want to let you know there is a solution!!!
I myself thought I could not stop sexual sins until one day God gave me a vision in a dream after doing a sexual sin. In this dream their were demons jumping up and down on me laughing. Crazy thing about this whole vision was that I could recall my family member in the other room talking on the phone and when I woke up I could recall the conversation! In saying this I quickly repented for the sexual sin and decided in my heart( I truly repented to God) that I would not longer do sexual sins. Let me tell you at first it was extremely hard its almost like every other addictions, I kinda had a hard time sleeping. I had to ask God to help me fight the urge. After a while I learned to say a scripture out loud or to myself when the thoughts hit my mind to commit the sin. Once you start this journey dont stop keep fighting the urge. Eventually the urge died down. The Lord blesses those who seek him. I grew closer to God and things began to get better in my life personally speaking and now I am “2 years clean” lol
The devil might still try to tempt me but through God I ammm way stronger now and so can you
God bless Jesus loves you dearly,