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Possible abandonment issues led to break-up

While we were dating (long-distance), my boyfriend would sometimes do or say things that would make me feel insecure. I was depressed and didn’t feel like I received the support I would have needed from him. He would never ask me what was wrong when I would tell him that I felt down. I needed to feel that I mattered to someone (to him, in this case) but it would make me sad that he never really made some time for me to listen to me and try to cheer me up and tell me encouraging words. I felt alone and it would make me question his love for me and make me feel insecure. I would apologize to him for not being good enough and while he tried every once in a while to tell me that everything was alright, he was starting to be fed up with my behavior. I wasn’t aware of what I was doing back then.

A few months later, he became more distant as he had to deal with some serious issues and told me that he didn’t know if we would be able to be together in the future. He stopped texting me/calling me, which made me feel insecure. He would rarely reply to my texts, but would tell me that he still wanted us to be together.

One day, he didn’t reply and it made me angry because we hadn’t talked in a while. I was hurt because I didn’t know whether he still wanted to be with me because he would talk with his friends regularly while he would neither text/call me nor reply to my texts.

I had had enough of hurting. I was waiting for him, but it didn’t seem like he was as into me as I was. I didn’t even know if we were still dating or not anymore. I wrote a message out of anger in which I told him a lot of things that I had been over thinking. I wasn’t clear about what the problem was (that I felt ghosted and didn’t know if he still wanted to see me).

He never replied to this text and I haven’t heard from him since. I think he decided to break up with me because he thought that I was feeling insecure again and he was fed up with always having to tell me that everything was okay.

I destroyed our relationship because of my insecurities. I still think that the way he had been ghosting me was not right, but I may have over thought a lot and the self-fulfilling prophecy eventually became a reality.

I can’t forgive myself for writing this text on that day. It also makes me sad that he didn’t try to talk with me and ask me what was wrong with me.

I think I may have abandonment issues. I am not sure what is wrong with me exactly.

Were my feelings valid about the way he had been treating me (not replying to my texts and never contacting me while still making me wait for him)?

How do I forgive myself? What can I do to feel better? I can neither eat nor sleep, and I am losing weight. I have a pain in my chest that never goes away and feel lonely. Even though I am still mad at him for the way he distanced himself from me for things that were beyond my control and was ghosted, I still miss him and wish we could be back together, which I know is impossible because he already has found someone else now.

I hope what I wrote was clear enough. Sorry for the possible mistakes, I am not a native english speaker.

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From: bitemarque

Welcome to Heart Support! It sounds like he has issues with communication, and little interest in working on it. Don’t blame yourself for his (lack of) actions. I know breakups can be tough, even in the best situations. If it is impacting you this strongly, I suggest reaching out to a therapist to help you get through safely.

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First of all, welcome to the heart support family! Thank you for coming here and sharing something that’s been bugging you. I hope just the act of getting this all out was helpful.

I hear that you are lonely and still upset with your ex. I think that’s completely understandable, it’s not a good feeling to have when someone you cared for all of a sudden disappears. It seems to me that your anger with him is valid, just remember that you can’t control someone else’s actions, you can only control your own responses (and you also can’t change the past).

I think as far as forgiving yourself, you should definitely connect with a mental health professional, it sounds like something they could really help you with, like Bite said!!

BTW - for a non-native speaker (honestly even if you were a native speaker, haha), you write very well!!!

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Thank you for replying to me. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one responsible for what happened.

You made me realize that I forgot to mention it. Unfortunately, therapy is not really an option for me at the moment. That is why I have been trying to help myself and search for anything that could help me online and came accross this forum. I understand that you can only do so much. I just want to get better but don’t really know what I should do. I try to spend time with my friends and it has been helping me but regret is still eating me up even though I am starting to accept the situation.

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hello there
you weren’t the only person in that relationship like the way you blamed yourself for whatever that has happened …

the person who truly loves you cares about your feeling and won’t leave you guessing and just locking you up in the cage of your mind that WHAT DID I DO…
loving is so hard friend it does not work always but if you ask me even the person you loved one day and now you are fed up deserve a goodbye a great good bye you know why?
because of all the TIME and LOVE and EMOTIONS that you put for each other but some people can’t understand it
whatever that happened is over now and you matter and you are loved and welcome to the community
keep up working on yourself instead of him and his memories it’s hard process i know but if you were that strong to love someone this much and wait for him you are thousand time harder for yourself to wait for yourself and pick your heart up
wish you best
let us know

I don’t know how to forgive myself for what I did. I ruined everything and will never see him again and the worst about that is that it is all my fault.

Heya Friend!

First of all, welcome to the HeartSupport Family and thank you for writing!

I can relate to this so much as this was me and my ex girlfriend, as both of us have had rocky relationships so it took awhile for us to build up trust. We have made each other bleed mentally and have put mental scars on each other, but each day, everything heals once we can have our alone time and show how sorry we are.

One of the last moments with her, all I can remember her saying is “I’m sorry” with tears in both of our eyes. I wish I could just tell her how much she meant to me.

But friend, he should be supporting you. He’s not putting 100% into this!

I am so sorry to hear this and if you ever need anything you can reach out to me on Discord at DuckMakesThings#8898 And I’m more than willing to speak to you or join the HeartSupport Discord!

Once again, thank you for writing!

DuckMakesThings AKA Darian

look dear
love doesn’t work always
some times life gets complicated…
which about sequence of happenings…
if you start questioning every thing you are going drown
so don’t
life is a mistery don’t even try to solve it live it while you have it
7 bilion on earth there is always a chance and a person whos gonna love you how ever
stop blaming yourself
you are loved
part of our family now
thank you for writing and take care

Hi @hummingbird4,
while I myself have never been in a relationship, I’ve watched my older sister break up with her boyfriend, watched my mother as she turned her back on my dad after he had an affair.

This is what I’ve learned from watching people break up and you don’t have to follow it but here it is: I’m guessing yes, he was getting a little fed up, but that isn’t your fault. You were sad and needed support. But give him some space. Don’t text or call him. Sometimes this happens, where people hit a bump and they need some space. And this may take a while, may take up to a year. And you have to be honest and clear about your feelings before you give him this space. Tell him about your insecurities, how you feel bad about taking your anger out on him, about how you felt when he ghosted you, and how you’re gonna give him space and you still want to be with him. Use this time to take care of yourself. And yes, sometimes people will find a new partner during this time, but maybe he will miss you. But remember, focus on yourself.

As for your question about whether your feelings are valid, I think they were. But you also have consider how he felt. Long-distance relationships make it easier to hide your true feelings. Still, everyone needs someone to be there, and he was not.

I hope at least some of this helps, and of course you don’t have to do it, it’s simply a suggestion. Also, you write pretty good English, I never thought you weren’t a native speaker!

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Thank you, A.A. You are right. If there’s nothing more I can do about the situation, the only thing I can do is try to forget him and focus on the good things in my life instead of him.

Thank you @DuckMakesThings and @Bvblover16 for sharing those experiences with me, it was very insightful.

I have been thinking about talking with him one last time to apologize and clarify things, but I’m not sure what I should do. I am hesitating between writing him a long message telling him everything and simply asking him whether he would be willing to talk with me. Could anyone advise me on that?

Thanks again for all the replies. I have slowly been doing better. I am glad I found this place.

If I personally was in this situation, I wouldn’t even contact him as by you contacting him, you could potentially encite the relationship to start back up. Try giving him some space and if he wants to talk, let him come to you. That may be best to do friend!!

hey dear
i would say calling would be a better option
if he answerd fine tell him things you wanted to tell if he didn’t just send him a message and get the relationship done
let him know clearly that it’s over
that’s what comes to my mind it might seem a bit agressive but this is how i do things like this personally you know XD
and i have a really strong reason for it i really care about how people feel in relationships normal friendship and i don’t see it as a kindness i see it as a duty toward my person so that’s how i think
whatever happens you have us
wish you best take care
A.A

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