While we were dating (long-distance), my boyfriend would sometimes do or say things that would make me feel insecure. I was depressed and didn’t feel like I received the support I would have needed from him. He would never ask me what was wrong when I would tell him that I felt down. I needed to feel that I mattered to someone (to him, in this case) but it would make me sad that he never really made some time for me to listen to me and try to cheer me up and tell me encouraging words. I felt alone and it would make me question his love for me and make me feel insecure. I would apologize to him for not being good enough and while he tried every once in a while to tell me that everything was alright, he was starting to be fed up with my behavior. I wasn’t aware of what I was doing back then.
A few months later, he became more distant as he had to deal with some serious issues and told me that he didn’t know if we would be able to be together in the future. He stopped texting me/calling me, which made me feel insecure. He would rarely reply to my texts, but would tell me that he still wanted us to be together.
One day, he didn’t reply and it made me angry because we hadn’t talked in a while. I was hurt because I didn’t know whether he still wanted to be with me because he would talk with his friends regularly while he would neither text/call me nor reply to my texts.
I had had enough of hurting. I was waiting for him, but it didn’t seem like he was as into me as I was. I didn’t even know if we were still dating or not anymore. I wrote a message out of anger in which I told him a lot of things that I had been over thinking. I wasn’t clear about what the problem was (that I felt ghosted and didn’t know if he still wanted to see me).
He never replied to this text and I haven’t heard from him since. I think he decided to break up with me because he thought that I was feeling insecure again and he was fed up with always having to tell me that everything was okay.
I destroyed our relationship because of my insecurities. I still think that the way he had been ghosting me was not right, but I may have over thought a lot and the self-fulfilling prophecy eventually became a reality.
I can’t forgive myself for writing this text on that day. It also makes me sad that he didn’t try to talk with me and ask me what was wrong with me.
I think I may have abandonment issues. I am not sure what is wrong with me exactly.
Were my feelings valid about the way he had been treating me (not replying to my texts and never contacting me while still making me wait for him)?
How do I forgive myself? What can I do to feel better? I can neither eat nor sleep, and I am losing weight. I have a pain in my chest that never goes away and feel lonely. Even though I am still mad at him for the way he distanced himself from me for things that were beyond my control and was ghosted, I still miss him and wish we could be back together, which I know is impossible because he already has found someone else now.
I hope what I wrote was clear enough. Sorry for the possible mistakes, I am not a native english speaker.