I attended a Christian conference last week. It focused on sharing your faith and we had lots of outreaches where we went out and prayed for people and just encouraged people. I went alone but met a few people I quickly became friends with and felt like I had known for years, when I only had known them a few days. It was amazing. But now that I’m home, I’m having what’s similar to post concert depression. Only it’s post conference depression. These people talked with me and prayed for me for emotional healing. We went on outreaches together. I felt so connected to them. And it just pounded the reality that I haven’t been able to make deep friendships with people where I live. I’m frustrated. It’s like I am beyond grateful to have met these people. But it’s like why is everyone so far away, why never a friend like that where I live? It hurts so much. I also realized that my not having a desire to go back overseas maybe isn’t just that it’s not God’s will. But that that desire in me is covered with trauma and stress and anxiety and burnout that happened as a result of living there. I realized that when one of my new friends prayed over me and asked God to send me a guy to marry who is into missions. I also was just re inspired cause she’s a missionary who has traveled the world and we had that in common. I also am having a hard time going out and sharing my faith or even just asking people if they need prayer and praying for them like we learned. I was so inspired and encouraged and it’s like I don’t want to just come back home and be the same old. I knew before, but am even more convicted now, that loving on the students at work and serving them is amazing. But I was called to so much more. Jesus told us to go and make disciples of all nations. We aren’t meant to keep this to ourselves. I am a quiet introvert, so talking to people isn’t my strong point. But I want to share and don’t want to forget what I learned! (I am not saying I’d share with students cause it’s a public school. But I am talking about on my own time outside of work.) I got back Monday but have found myself crying so so much.
The prayer my new friends prayed over me made me feel the overwhelming love of God, it was like God touched me, my heart. The conference itself touched me. I no longer have the desire to drink alcohol like before I left for my trip. It’s awesome!
I also am somewhat doubting my faith at the same time.
I’m just one jumbled emotional mess.