I still cant draw the line. I still cant tell people I need to take care of myself first. I still don’t feel like I deserve to take care of myself first - other people are so much more important than me. How could I focus on myself when people around me are struggling?
I’m putting others before me. My friends and loved ones are struggling and I’m dropping everything to help them. I stay up nights to talk to my friends who need me, even tho it means I haven’t slept properly in weeks. I forget to eat because I sit by the phone waiting for updates on different situations my loved ones are in, every single one enough to keep you up at night on their own, and I’m doing my best to take on as much of that burden as I can, in hopes that it will ease their suffering. I keep forgetting my medication because my own life and recovery are last on my list priorities. I have been pushing back contacting a therapist cause I don’t have the mental energy to deal with my own things at the end of the day. First comes everyone else around me, and if I have the energy to focus on myself at the end of the day - well, then I clearly didn’t give my everything for the people I claim to love, and I’m a horrible person.
There’s people around me doing worse than I am, and until I hit the rock bottom again, I’ll pour my heart out for them. Because if they don’t feel happy and at ease, I don’t deserve to either. The only reason why I should be out of that darkness is so I can better help others, and if I’m not doing that, I don’t deserve happiness. If I cant give enough back, I don’t deserve to be okay.