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Probably more of a vent that anything else

I look at the categories for posts and I feel all of them, all the time.

I recently got my foot tattooed and I’m usually up for a while afterwards which definitely is a positive… but only three days after, I’m pretty low again. Lonely, lost, sad, depressed, anxious.

I miss my ex, I feel so alone all the time and I hate it. Only physical contact helps me feel better, helps me feel loved and cared about, and I do not mean sex or anything sexual (although good lord it would help too) I just want someone to hug me, to sleep next to me, just to be there for a bit.

I’ve been single for five years and not gotten what I needed from a relationship for ten years and it hurts. It hurts seeing my friends, strangers and so many others, even on a surface visual level that they have something I’m so longing for, so bloody god damn much.

My ex was the second person ever that when I saw them, made my heart skip a beat and was smitten straight away. She is and represents so much of what I want from a partner. I just want to be cared for, to be loved, to have someone want to be close to me, like I want to be close to someone.

And this is Nima

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and now she isn’t gonna come to the Slipknot gig I bought us tickets for because we haven’t spoken (we have) and she’s going to another town to see them… Even though last time I saw her in person, that the ticket was for her.

Why can’t I ever fucking have someone that wants me? Why does no one want me? What the hell have I ever done so fucking wrong that no one I ever want, wants me? It’s been 5 years since I’ve had a relationship, it’s been ten fucking years since I’ve had a relationship that’s has given me what I’ve wanted and needed.

I’m not a bad person, I try really hard to support people and be there, especially when it comes to mental health stuff, why can’t I catch a break.

I just want a hug, I need some physical contact and I don’t mean sex, just a hug from someone that shows me they care.

Hello, there. We talked about your post on our twitch stream tonight. I wish you the best of luck, my friend. Take care.

-Brian- mydaddycangame

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Hi, thank you for featuring my post.

I’m still very down and lost. The one good thing in the last six months (side note, was made redundant while I was signed off of work from a doctor because of mental exhaustion and was the first job that lasted me longer than a year and a half since 2008, paid decent, was close to home and I liked, my Dad had a heart attack before Christmas, my rent is going up / we have to find a new housemate) and then “K” broke it off with me in the middle of it all.

It’s really hard for me because I need that contact with people and with being on the fetish scene, “K” was the first person to match with me on so many different levels and it’s so horrendously hard to let go of, because there hasn’t been anyone in the seven years I’ve been on the scene that has done what she done for me and reached me like others haven’t.

I really think that people on here can relate that music is such a hard thing to match on sometimes and to find that, match kink wise and then she lives a 5 min car ride away too, everything was super in my favour for once. At one point I had three partners but all lived either the other side of London (two hours journeys for both) or two hours by rail train, so when I met “K”, I wanted it to work more than anything else ever because so much lined up.

I’m scared of being alone, I’m scared of never finding anyone again, I just want to be loved and cared for,

I literally can’t watch anything on TV, Netflix or whatever with any kind of relationship stuff in it because it just upsets me. I tried to watch the third series of Big Mouth that was released here back in October time and I didn’t realise, but because it’s all about sexuality and relationships, I had to turn it off because it made me sad. I frigging comedy cartoon made me so sad I needed to turn it off? Nowadays, anything can set me off and I cry at anything emotional, like honestly anything and although I’ve never been afraid of emotions, it’s absolutely exhausting to constantly have to stop myself from crying or run away so people don’t see.

The doctor, his senior, my therapist and a clinical psychologist believe I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which can be also called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and although I am still waiting to hear back from them for a start date with a psychiatrist, I’m stuck here floundering and barely keeping my head above water.

Oh, and “K” asked my friend Emily out on a date, which not only hurt that “K” chose someone else over me, she even wanted my friend over me too. I’m never anyone’s first choice, no one wants me like I want them and it just feels I am destined to be alone, in my own head and physically :sob:

Some days I wish I were able to get passed my fear of dying and just check out, but my fear holds me here plus I couldn’t live with the guilt of what it would do to my family… Doesn’t mean I wake most mornings with disappointment that I did get through the night.

Life sucks pretty much now and the only good thing I can see and believe is I have a job.

I just wish someone would message me, tell me they want me

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As human beings, it’s natural for anyone to want companionship. To be loved and cared for and to have someone to share affection with. It’s true, it’s very hard to watch other people have the things that you dream for.

I felt that way in my broke marriage where I felt more alone in that relationship than single. I dealt with jealous feelings of those who had close relationships. And I have battled with those same feelings when seeing other people have family relationships. As I have no association with my family. And it’s an incredibly lonely feeling.

It’s natural to feel that way and completely understandable. I’m sorry that people have hurt you my friend. I know that I can’t say a lot to resolve those feelings and I’m sure you’ve heard it before that relationships and love take time. It often comes from places and times we least expect it.

In the mean time, it’s good to fill our time with the things that we love and make us happy. Are there places you can put yourself out there to help meet people? Local groups? I know doing that can be hard too. But it helps.

I know I can’t fix these struggles, but know that you have a friend. I’m always in the heart support discord.

  • Kitty

Btw, that is a super cute tattoo! (: