Hi, thank you for featuring my post.
I’m still very down and lost. The one good thing in the last six months (side note, was made redundant while I was signed off of work from a doctor because of mental exhaustion and was the first job that lasted me longer than a year and a half since 2008, paid decent, was close to home and I liked, my Dad had a heart attack before Christmas, my rent is going up / we have to find a new housemate) and then “K” broke it off with me in the middle of it all.
It’s really hard for me because I need that contact with people and with being on the fetish scene, “K” was the first person to match with me on so many different levels and it’s so horrendously hard to let go of, because there hasn’t been anyone in the seven years I’ve been on the scene that has done what she done for me and reached me like others haven’t.
I really think that people on here can relate that music is such a hard thing to match on sometimes and to find that, match kink wise and then she lives a 5 min car ride away too, everything was super in my favour for once. At one point I had three partners but all lived either the other side of London (two hours journeys for both) or two hours by rail train, so when I met “K”, I wanted it to work more than anything else ever because so much lined up.
I’m scared of being alone, I’m scared of never finding anyone again, I just want to be loved and cared for,
I literally can’t watch anything on TV, Netflix or whatever with any kind of relationship stuff in it because it just upsets me. I tried to watch the third series of Big Mouth that was released here back in October time and I didn’t realise, but because it’s all about sexuality and relationships, I had to turn it off because it made me sad. I frigging comedy cartoon made me so sad I needed to turn it off? Nowadays, anything can set me off and I cry at anything emotional, like honestly anything and although I’ve never been afraid of emotions, it’s absolutely exhausting to constantly have to stop myself from crying or run away so people don’t see.
The doctor, his senior, my therapist and a clinical psychologist believe I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which can be also called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and although I am still waiting to hear back from them for a start date with a psychiatrist, I’m stuck here floundering and barely keeping my head above water.
Oh, and “K” asked my friend Emily out on a date, which not only hurt that “K” chose someone else over me, she even wanted my friend over me too. I’m never anyone’s first choice, no one wants me like I want them and it just feels I am destined to be alone, in my own head and physically
Some days I wish I were able to get passed my fear of dying and just check out, but my fear holds me here plus I couldn’t live with the guilt of what it would do to my family… Doesn’t mean I wake most mornings with disappointment that I did get through the night.
Life sucks pretty much now and the only good thing I can see and believe is I have a job.
I just wish someone would message me, tell me they want me