Problems are repeating itself

Hello, I haven’t been on here for a hot minute. This past summer was going great, I had a job, did all kinds of goals. Then it all went downhill. I lost my job, and I started to sit around and do nothing all day. I started to stop taking my medicine, and I became a lot sadder as the days went on. Recently it just kind of feels like some of my problems aren’t going away, they just keep coming back. I’ve talked about this certain problem a long time ago on here. But it keeps coming back, and it was one of the main reasons I got fired at work. The problem is like a craving for certain peoples attention. Such as I need to hurt myself just so I can a certain persons attention, and so they can care for me. Either I need to make myself get hurt, or make myself be sad. It sounds so attention seeking, which it almost is, but it’s different. It’s not attention seeking as in fake being depressed, or fake getting hurt. I actually hurt myself, I fall down stairs, or smash my hand really hard, just to get that persons care. I’ve been talking to my therapist about it, and he’s not sure what it is. Or how to help. Because I know and he knows I can be happy, so it has nothing to do with my depression. It only happens when I get jealous or I feel like I’m not getting enough attention from someone I want attention from, or low self esteem sometimes can play in. I thought at first it was something called histrionic personality disorder, but that means you want to be the center of attention, which is not what it is. It’s only with certain people. Like with my parents, I would be grossed out with their care/I wouldn’t and don’t get that feeling around them. Like I said it’s with certain people. I don’t know what to do, I couldn’t go to sleep until I got this all off my chest, so sorry for the long rant, I’m just scared it’s gonna go to far someday, like I’ll purposely bang my head too hard, or make myself end up in the hospital somehow. I don’t know how to stop it. I know it’s not truly attention seeking because I want this feeling to go away. I just needed to say this, and if anyone has suggestions or just some helpful advice that would ease my mind. I also just wanted a second opinion rather than just my therapists. Thanks.

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Hi @AmberSpringer. I agree you need a second opinion, but from a new therapist. If your therapist is confused by anybody’s behavior, they aren’t finished learning yet.

What you’re describing makes sense to me. I think a lot of us have shown attention-seeing behavior targeted at specific people. I know I have. I’m glad you recognize it’s not healthy, especially to the extent that you’re hurting yourself. It’s a bit worrisome that it seems compulsive, that you’re driven to do it even though you don’t necessarily want to. Is it out of a feeling of desperation, or less controlled than that? I’ve done some really stupid things in a desperate bid for someone’s care, but the way you’re describing it makes it sound bigger than just you.

You might want to go to a psychiatrist. They handle meds, which may or may not be the solution here, but they’re also more clinically and pathologically oriented. They may be able to put a finger on what’s going on. I’m glad you opened up to your therapist about this–that’s a huge first step! Honestly I’m surprised your therapist is confused. Like I said, I’m no professional, but it makes sense to me. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for. Keep us updated!

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Thanks for replying, I think it has something to do with desperation for sure. I would love to see a new therapist for second thoughts, but my mom won’t allow me too. I have seen a psychiatrist and I do have medicine, but there isn’t a specific medicine for this problem I have. And I don’t think that medicine is the problem, because this feeling started happening way before I even had depression, etc. I’ll try and see if I can find someone professional, but I don’t know how with my parents around keeping me with the same person. I dd talk to one person who I thought was professional, but she told me that it was just plain attention seeking, but clearly its something much more than that, I feel like there’s a major difference between attention seeking, and this problem. But yes, thank you again!

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