i haven’t used heartsupport in a while. not because i didn’t need to but because i’ve been scared of talking about a lot of my issues. i don’t know if it’s fear of being judged or fear it would somehow get back to my abusive partner. but i’m back.
as a preface to what i’m about to say, i have severe anxiety issues. i have really bad ocd, borderline personality disorder (i tend not to say bpd bc it can be confused w bipolar), ptsd, and generalized anxiety disorder. this is also coupled with major depressive disorder. the major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder have been classified as disabilities and all have been diagnosed by doctors (it was more than one since i was diagnosed w personality disorders before 18 even tho u can’t really do that. they were later confirmed to be these disorders after i turned 18.)
TRIGGER WARNING sexual assault, suicide, self harm
okay so basically i have no idea what’s been happening to make my mental health deteriorate like this but it’s been getting too hard to do anything without an intense panic attack lately. maybe it’s bc i started a new birth control and it’s affecting my hormones. maybe it’s because it’s around the time last year that i met my rapist. maybe it’s because i’ve had to cut out some super toxic people. maybe it’s a combination. i don’t know. but what i do know is i’m miserable. completely and utterly miserable and helpless. i’ve been hospitalized for my issues before and it’s made everything worse. medication never works and only makes me sick and makes my symptoms worse. therapy won’t help and idk why. i’m 19 and live with my mom and brother (as well as my wonderful dog baby who i love to the moon and back) so things like insurance and rent aren’t problems i have to deal with yet and i’m very thankful for that. however i still need money. i work at a supermarket rn (not namedropping bc i’m terrified of being fired). it’s awful. i’m treated horribly. i’ve had my job threatened bc i needed to take a sick day since i could barely talk or move and had a fever of over 100 (i believe 102 but i don’t remember). i’ve been shoved by coworkers, hit by customers, sexually harassed by customers. i can’t do anything about that, either. they withhold information from me. not things like my managers salary that i don’t need to know. important things. like how to contact the union. and a video about harassment and what they qualify as such and how to report it. they don’t give me the legal minimum amount of hours some weeks. others i’m given over 40. i’m a part timer so as well so they give me full time hours with no full time pay or benefits. this is a lot for anyone to handle but as someone who can barely handle small amounts of stress it’s becoming an issue i can no longer ignore. my mom even told me that she wants me to go on disability but that i can’t until i find a better paying job so that i’ll be able to support myself since disability based how much they give u off of ur current income. i’m not in school at the moment, mostly bc i don’t knwo what i want to do for a living. i never have, really. even if i did i can’t handle being in school. i’m a very good student and pretty smart but i can’t emotionally handle it. i also don’t have a drivers license. i have my permit but that’s not what i would need to get another job since my current job is across the street from my house. last week i had to call in sick (which i was almost too scared to do since i can be fired for it) bc i had to go to the emergency room. i couldn’t breathe properly for over 24 hours. i have a birth defect that affects the shape of my ribs and compresses my lungs so it’s something that’s happened before but it was mostly as a growing child. it hasn’t happened this bad in a number of years. after examining me and preforming many tests the hospital ruled out any kind of blood clotting. i was relieved that i didn’t have a heart attack and that my lungs function but i still couldn’t breathe. they told me it’s probably anxiety but that i should consult a cardiologist and pulmonologist anyway. i’m going to schedule appointments soon but it’s hard since i get my work schedule the week of and i’m not allowed to call out for appointments. i’m really struggling to figure out what i can do rn so i can quit my job and be able to do something much less dangerous for me. my anxiety isn’t just a mental issue anymore. it’s becoming a physical issue. and while i can argue all i want that it’s way too damaging mentally and i’m definitely at risk of committing suicide and self harming no one really cares until they see a physical issue. i almost wish that i was missing a leg or a hand so people would take my disabilities more seriously. i knwo that’s a messed up thing to say but i need help and don’t know how to get it. i knwo it starts with removing toxic people and getting a new job. i’ve removed the toxic people. the next step is a new job.
does anyone have any ideas as to what i could do for work? not even as a career but as something part time to build a resume? something i would be able to handle that pays well? i like the idea of working from home but i honestly don’t know what i could do. this is a much longer post than i intended and i apologize for that. thank you if you took the time to read this, i know it was kinda all over the place but honestly that’s just how i am right now.
also i’m almost one year clean from self harm and i know hitting that milestone is gonna help a lot but i’m still very worried.