Procrastination is destroying me

Hi everyone. I’ve been sucidal before, I was dealing with depression and social phobia. 4 years ago I attedned to group therapy and individual therapies. It’s so much better about this matter now. But there’s one thing, I’m ruing my life… I’m struggling with procrastination. I want to tell you procastination doesn’t mean lazyness. In general I’m not lazy. I came to the point I procrastinate not only my work and study but everything in daily life, even things I loved to do. Every thing I should do makes me so stressed out and paralyzed. Because of it I didn’t graduate my university and even haven’t started to write my thesis, I didn’t start to look for a job when I knew my contract in previous work would be over in a month (I’m 4 month unemployed). When I forced myself to send few CV and I went to one interview I stopped to try more. It’s really hard even to write an email. Because I temporized writting an email I can’t renew my rent an apartment contract (thinking about writting this email made me paralyzed).
All the things seem pretty easy and even funny now when I’m writting it but I haven’t done them because of the stupid and overwhelming feeling when it’s time to do something. Then I always skip it and say to myself I’ll do it later, later changes for the next day - and it’s the same everyday. Even writting it I procrastinate. Doesn’t it sound silly? I procrastinated signing up here and I’m writting it making small breaks.

The point is the small action I should do now makes me big troubles later.

I started to lie to my family that things I should do I have done to not let them down but actually I haven’t done them.
I started to hate myself a lot, sometimes I want to punish myself somehow. Sometimes the feeling of hate thowrds myself is so strong that I think it would be better without me (but it’s stupid reason to die, innit?).

I really want to change my life because I know I’m able to achive a lot, I can learn a lot and I can work hard. I just need to stop procastinating but I really don’t know how. I don’t know how to deal with overwhelming feeling of stress, hate to myself and paralysing feeling. To-do list doesn’t really work for me, I do the easies things like cleaning up something which aren’t so much important at this moment but not the big ones which are important and which avoiding makes me in troubles.

I wish to have somebody who would support and control me a bit, like reminding me it’s time to do something but not overwheling and shaming me. There’s my brother who calls and ask me about things but the way he does it overwheling me a lot and I feel I let him down because he cares so much.

Have anyone deal with procrastination and overcame it?
Do you have any advice or any methods (if it’s reading a book - yes, I procrastinate even this, even I loved to read books)? Will appoitments with psychologist help?
It takes too long, it gives me too many stress, avoiding people, letting people down, bad sleep, chaos in my life and my mind. I’M READY TO MAKE A CHANGE!

Ps. I’m really sorry for chaotic post and bad grammar. I’m self English-learner and still need to work a lot on it.

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Hi HJMK
First I want to say thank you for sharing this and for your trust. To answer your question yes an appointment with a psychologist will help because they will help you figure things out and give you some way of resolving your situacion.

I also wanted to say that you might suffer from anxiety because of what you said about feeling paralyzed when trying to deal with a task. It might have started as procrastination but now it might have developed into something more serious.

Please talk to your psychologist and try the things he will advise. You can get through this. :slightly_smiling_face:
Take care
-Ashwell

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Hi Ashwell
I’m really thankful for your answer. For now I’m not using help of any psychologist but I’m going to look for some soon.
Take care
HJMK

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Hi HJMK,

I think talking/meeting with a psychologist is a good idea. When I have dealt with procrastination in the past it was because my mental health in general was declining and my therapist helped me with that a lot.
I hope you can find some therapist to talk to!

Stay safe,
Maja

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Hi Maja

I really appreciate your answer. I’ll look for a therapist and when I have enough energy I’ll make an appointment.

Take care
HJMK

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