i’m tired and have been busy all day so if you’re reading this and you’ve commented on my other post, sorry for not having replied yet, i’m probably gonna get to it tomorrow.
yesterday i got home from watching my brothers dog and was kinda bummed out because i was feeling envious of my niece. she just turned 16 (im 17, almost 18) and got a brand new car from 2019. also had a huge “sweet 16” in a 9bed 9bath house on the beach for four days. both of my nieces on my brothers side have always had extravagant birthdays of some sort and one always gets a party so i felt a little envious since i usually don’t get to do any thing besides sit at home. other than that, it wasn’t a horrible day. i came home and cleaned off the kitchen counters and swept the house then made dinner, watched some anime, and went to bed. today i woke up and got to call my friend which made a happy start to my day, showered, tried making oatmeal but… i don’t think it’s for me… oh and i also had hot chocolate at like 1am after waking up freezing lol. then i started cleaning at around 10/11 and cleaned up our dining area since we don’t even use it for dining, it’s just kind of for storage and our pets but it was really dirty from our pets so i cleaned it best i could for now and it looks better. then i swept everywhere again and mopped then did the kitchen a bit more and played with my dog. cleaned my own room and then cleaned the couch. washed some towels and cut up vegetables for the beef stew we were making for dinner, then finally sat down because my heels were hurting super bad because of the shoes i was wearing. had dinner, watched some anime, played with my dog a bit more and cleaned all the pet bowls and now i’m here 
i think it was a really productive day. didn’t look at my phone a whole lot. the only bad thing that came from it was hearing that my sister might fly back here in two weeks. i’m upset about that. it’s been so peaceful with just me and my dad. oh and she actually stole some of his pain pills and my moms cough medicine to sell. she also previously had been stealing money from my dads wallet. there’s a lot i could say about her, but i just really don’t want her back here. all she does is stress me out and anger me. i’m a lot more peaceful and productive without her around. if she comes back i’ll just end up going back to sitting in my room all day doing nothing. now i’ve usually been up and trying to do something like clean or go out with my dog just to get out and moving more. i don’t want her here… sigh. but yeah, it’s been a good day other than that so far. i decided i’d try to feel a little better about myself in the view of my friend and try to trust him more. i’m not sure if i trust him because i don’t know what trust feels like. unless i physically feel an emotion i usually can’t identify it. i guess that’s an upside to the horrible feelings i get whenever i do feel something i can recognize. i really do want to trust him. what if i get hurt? then where am i left? i just have to believe he won’t hurt me. at least that. i’m going to try. i’m going to try to get myself to be happier as well. maybe occupying my mind more or just convincing myself to feel happier. i’m at least going to try a little more.
