I’ve been down this week, but I’ve dealt with it in a better way than usual. I haven’t self harmed in probably nearly a year. I haven’t self medicated through alcohol in about two or three months. I still smoke sometimes and I know I need to quit but hopefully I’ll get there.
I’ve had some suicidal ideation in the last week or so, but not as strong. I haven’t thought through scenarios.
So I hope if anyone else is going through it right now and feeling all these awful feelings I hope you know that you know you’re not alone and you know that you have worth beyond what your kind is allowing you to feel.
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Hey @e.thehuman, congrats on your progress. Even though this week sounds to be difficult for you, you’ve resisted to your old ways to cope, and that’s wonderful. You’re building strength, one step at a time. That’s the best way to walk on a solid ground.
Thank you for the kind reminders as well. I hope you know that you’re not alone either, and you always have a place right here to share anything you need.
I’m sending positive thoughts your way, hoping that you’ll feel a little better durijng the next days. Take care. 
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Thanks, micro! I think work has been very overwhelming and busy and I need to say no to more shifts this week. Working 32 hrs in a 48hr period just really drained me emotionally and mentally. Oddly not so much physically because I get to a point where I just need to keep moving or it’ll catch up to me. But it caught up to me yesterday.
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Wow, 32 hours in two days is, objectively, a lot. It’s not surprising that you’re feeling drained these days. 
Was it temporary/ because of a special circumstance? Like a replacement or something. I really hope you can get some well deserved rest asap, and just to find a balance that works for you with your job.
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Woooooahhhh I’m so proud! I’m currently struggling with progress but I’m closer to getting to where you are! Good job, I’m proud ^^
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@Micro every shift lately has been short and it just makes it so much harder for the people on the floor, so initially I had been called in the mornings to see if I could change from afternoon and ended up staying for the afternoon so they weren’t short. Everyone is pushing themselves and then making themselves worn out, so everybody is struggling.
@midarii also good for you!! It’s really one step at a time and trying not to be unforgiving of yourself should you stumble back. We are all human and our capabilities are unfortunately limited.
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To be quiet honest things have regressed dramatically. I keep debating whether to talk about it or not because honestly I can’t even be bothered anymore. I really am so tired of the same cycle over and over. It always gets better, but it always gets worse. It’s not fair. I cannot handle it anymore. I don’t want to handle it anymore. I don’t want positive talk or people telling me it’ll be okay. It’s not okay right now. It’s not okay feeling like this. I do not want to do this again.
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Hey @e.thehuman,
I hear you. Please don’t hesitate to get things off your chest or share about what’s going on. Those cycles are exhausting, frustrating, disappointing, but both you and I know that staying alone with our struggles often increases those feelings. It’s already good that you’re here with us right now, despite the emotional exhaustion.
Honestly, there’s so much of my heart in what you shared. These days I keep repeating to myself that it’s not okay to have those ups and downs, that it should be different and no one deserves to live such a rollercoaster of hope and sorrow. It hurts to have those feelings and this inner dialogue, to feel like shedding tears that shouldn’t be. For what it’s worth, I’m right there with you friend. You’re not alone. And you know here is a safe place to talk about it, if you want.
Sending hugs your way. 
It just almost seems pointless talking at this stage. Maybe sometimes there’s a brief feeling of relief, but it just comes back to stay with me. I think about how long I have left to work or even live and I think, shit… there could be nothing worse than having to be here for that long. I think about people who even in their darkest moments have never felt like they didn’t want to be alive and wonder what that’s like. I think of friends I’ve lost to suicide and wonder what that’s like.I also think of those who’ve lost their lives fighting diseases they’ve had no say in and my heart is so heavy that they didn’t get a chance to live the life they wanted and I’m here not wanting mine. Being trapped is torture, and it’s one I am not equipped to bear. Even if this feeling is only a week or two or a month, I don’t want it anymore.
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Thank you for responding, friend. 
It just almost seems pointless talking at this stage. Maybe sometimes there’s a brief feeling of relief, but it just comes back to stay with me.
Yea… at the end of the day, we’re still with our struggles and we still have to do the hard work by ourselves, right? Though I believe there’s something more helpful than we imagine sometimes in connecting to others, just for knowing that we’re not alone and our voice is heard, even subconsciouly. On the contrary, having an inner dialogue or being stuck in our own mind can be pretty painful sometimes. My own mind is not a friendly territory when I’m struggling and I bet it’s the same for you too. I’d be particularly hard on myself for going through a rough time, which creates a vicious cycle that it’s hard to break down, unless I let it out in the face of the world.
It doesn’t solve everything, but sometimes just having someone ready to sit next to us and let us be, just as we are, is more precious than we envisioned at first. I’m really grateful that you’re here and allowing yourself to share your heart. I mean it. 
I think about how long I have left to work or even live and I think, shit… there could be nothing worse than having to be here for that long
That truly makes sense, friend. Though is it about the amount of time, of the quality of that time? It sounds that you’re expressing a disruption with your life right now, which may feel very distressing, but it’s not totally at your own disadvantage. It can be perceived as a read flag. A way that your body and your mind have to say that something need to be changed. As you’re struggling and feeling trapped right now, it truly makes sense to not have the desire to live X years the same way again. I do believe that you’re not condemned to navigate the same cycles again and again though. But indeed, it takes a lot of adjustments, sometimes different strategies to try, and it can be quite defeating when it doesn’t produce the changes we expect.
What’s causing you this pain and which areas of your life would need to be changed somehow? If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be? No need to think about practical details right now. Just encouraging you to listen to what your heart and your intuition are telling you, even in the most unrealistic way.
I think of friends I’ve lost to suicide and wonder what that’s like.I also think of those who’ve lost their lives fighting diseases they’ve had no say in and my heart is so heavy that they didn’t get a chance to live the life they wanted and I’m here not wanting mine.
I’m so sorry for your losses, friend. That’s also a very painful thought and I can only be honest by saying that I’ve been thinking the same sometimes. My brother passed away 3 years ago because of a rare disease. It was heartbreaking especially since he had so many projects and found, for the first time in his life, the desire to live and give himself a chance to be. Life decided differently and I can’t help but whishing that I could swap my place with him, just because hopelessnes can be very strong. I feel ungrateful for the air I breathe while such beautiful people keep disappearing.
It’s unfair and our world, this life, bring a lot of injustice. Though your life is not less meaningful or worthy because it happened to be hard to keep hope in your heart. It’s part of your own journey, part of what makes you human. There is no blame for feeling that way, really. Only a need for compassion and peace. And if not from yourself at first, you can count on this community to do its best to keep reminding you that you are deserving of the time, love and patience you need, no matter what.
Being trapped is torture, and it’s one I am not equipped to bear.
May I ask what you support system looks like these days?
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I do appreciate people who care and want to help. I don’t find it overly helpful at times though. I find it more exhausting having them want to talk and ask questions and be in my space.
I mean more trapped in my own body and in my own head. You don’t get to be someone else or think different thoughts. My job is a good job which I do enjoy. Just not when I feel like i’d rather not have to be alive for the next 60+ years. You keep telling yourself that you have to get out of your mind and everything’s going to be okay ect. It’s tiring doing this every couple of months. No amount of medication or talking stops it.
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My thought process right now is I have to get over it. This feeling may not go away so the only option is to just exist, keep busy and ignore it for now.
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