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Progress, I think... tw: SH

During a very bad day and while I was in a weird dissociating state, I bought new things to hurt myself with… And I figured that since I had already bought it… I wouldn’t throw it away… Why not? Because apparently it didn’t matter whether I had it in the house or not… I would still be able to get it. And so it didn’t matter if I kept it or not…
And the worst thing is… when it’s that close… it makes it harder to resist…
Thursday I threw it away and immediately after that I threw the trash in the big container so I wouldn’t be tempted to fish them out again… So I guess that’s a win. But here’s the thing. I wanted to share it in therapy… but I couldn’t… because that would mean that I’d have to tell the group that I was harming… and that’s something I can’t… even though they might have suspicions or have seen some of my scars… I can’t tell them… I don’t know why… and I wanted to kind of celebrate… but I just couldn’t… I’m still ashamed of the times I’ve fallen back… And I know that I still have a long way to go, because there’s not 1 day that I don’t think about harming myself and it fucking sucks… but for now… it’s been at least 3 days… and there was no breaking of the skin…
I threw away those things though… so that’s at least something…

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I am so freaking proud of you :slight_smile:

in the midst of all the turmoil you’re feeling, you’ve had such a big accomplishment!! You made a decision for your own wellbeing, and you did follow up actions to give yourself a better chance of succeeding! That’s amazing progress!

I am celebrating hard with you right now, I see the effort and I applaud it!

You’re thinking about it but finding ways to survive the thoughts, to choose to not do it! So awesome, so amazing.

confetti canon
Hoping that you add to the streak of days without, one moment at a time, one decision at a time. Thank you for sharing this and inspiring a lot of folks!

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Hello nyntje :slightly_smiling_face:
I am glad that you threw those things away. It truly is a victory. It matters whether those things are in your home or not because as you have said it is much more tempting and also when we are really depressed a trip to a market might seem like too much but when we have those things at home it is much easier to harm oneself. You dont have to be ashamed nyntje. people struggle with many different issues. Yours is no different then the others. You are making progress and you are fighting back and i am proud of you. Good job :slightly_smiling_face:. This is a victory and it is definitely one worth celebrating even though it might not feel like it.

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This is very true. If you want to self harm, you’re going to find a way.

The secret to stopping is to decide that you don’t want to hurt yourself anymore. Until you do, you’re going to continue to struggle. That want has to come from within YOU and I can promise you it won’t come from anywhere or anything else.

I know you can do it because you’re on the way to figuring it out and I’m proud of you. :rose:

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Proud of you @nyntje for throwing those away. You don’t need it. There are times when your mind is going to push you backwards, but that doesn’t mean you’d be failing or regressing. These are automatism that are hard to get rid of.

Just yesterday, I had a really nice walk outside, managed to meditate for a bit and enjoyed the nice weather. Then I listened to a bit of ambient guitar with my phone and it immediately made me feel some kind of sorrow. I thought about my brother, I cried, and then in the middle of it I had very short suicidal thoughts. I was seeing myself in a position of throwing my life away and thought I could choose to not go back home and end it. Although instead of being disappointed with myself for once, I tried to acknowledge these thoughts and welcome it as simply the reflection of what I was feeling at the moment, as the manifestation of something old that takes time to disappear, and not something I want nor need to act on.

All of this to say, automatic thoughts like these are part of your story because it’s been your coping mechanisms for a while. It’s a habit of thoughts. Our brain associated for a while certain situations, emotions and feelings to an illusion of solution or relief. Having these thoughts still doesn’t mean you had not progressed or would be failing in the present moment. You have overcome a lot, and you will keep doing so.

As for talking about it in therapy, maybe this is still a step to consider. Let’s try to imagine that you share that in your group: what is likely to happen? Objectively. Realistically. Who knows… maybe there is someone else in this group who struggles or struggled with self-harm and is afraid of sharing it too? Shame is essential to break down because it doesn’t need to be, especially in spaces like therapeutic ones that are safe, that are a judgment free zone and where understanding can happen.

I love you very much. If you need, maybe consider re-reading some of our notes from Rewrite? Or even consider the journaling part. Not to do everyday, but maybe a little bit here and there with the help of your Action Group? You got this. I believe in you. :hrtlegolove:

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