Hey @Yepitstuesday. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. I can relate to some of the feelings you are talking about, although it’s for completely different reasons. I don’t think I’m very good at replies. I’m not sure if I have the right words to ease your mind any, but I’d like to try anyway.
PTSD is an extremely hard thing to live with. It takes so much out of you. My favorite quote about PTSD and a few other mental health issues that I’ve come across to this point is this: “Me VS me is my biggest fight.” It’s so true…Constantly in a battle with yourself. Possibly at battle with others all of the time, or at least feeling as if you’re fighting with others constantly. The constant noise the children make, depending on the response your body has with the PTSD, can be overwhelming, overstimulating, agitating. You find yourself responding in ways you never would have before to things that other people don’t even notice. PTSD itself is overwhelming without the rest of it coming in from the outside. Just making it from one day to the next can feel like a huge challenge.
No one who’s never had this disorder will ever understand it fully, and so sometimes that’s why it seems as if we don’t have support. They do try their best to understand, but it can be hard for them to understand how your PTSD affects you and why it affects you in a certain way, especially when they knew you before.
I’m glad that you are still only thinking of picking up the bottle and haven’t done it yet. You have been sober for a long time. I hope you keep your sobriety going for a much longer time. I have a question. Is there something you can do that would take your mind away from these things? At least when things start to get overwhelming. Something that you liked to do before. Reading, crafting, painting, whatever it may be. Or even something new that you’ve always wanted to do but never did before. Something that would be a short term get away from what’s going on, at least until you’ve got a little bit better of a handle on your symptoms. You don’t have to answer that here if you don’t want to, but it’s something to think about. If you do have something to try, you wouldn’t want to do it so much that everything else in your life gets ignored, but it would help to have something to concentrate on to take your mind off of the kids and the small living space.
As for the meds… Well, I have a very specific point of view on taking those to help with PTSD, but I am not going to say it here. All I can tell you is to keep trying. Keep going to your doctor regularly and make sure to tell him/her how the meds make you feel. I hope that you find one that will help.
Please come back to talk again when you feel the need.
Thank you so much for your service. I salute you.