Hellow HeartSupport,
This is my first topic post ever in my whole life, but after struggling a lot, i wanted to give it a fair shot. I hope that this place can maybe give me some motivated to go further with my life and look positive at the future. A weeks ago I discoverd Dan and Casey doing stream and even host the HeartSupport stream. We had a lot of short and one long conversation their about whats going on maybe to write on the topic whats on my mind. So with long struggling I decided to put my thoughts on this topic.
Because when we are talking about the future, i’m not sure what future people mean. Do they mean the future of joy, the future of technology or the future of hopefully being alive. For me, in one of the talk that I had in a stream i discoverd what the mean reasons was that i dont feel good. I think its that moment that I went to the middle school and still got bullied and lost my granddad aka my loved daddy… I got seriously depressed and already wrote the letter in my head, kinda sketch. at the same time I helped someone from killing theirselfs so double double situation. I think at the point I was like. I can’t control anything except my body, so maybe that works and don’t get bullied But last weeks when I started stream again to improve my selfconficende, I got bullied again that continue on school, so and the holiday that I have now is a lot of time where I can’t talk but only thing about it. and maybe overthink everything…
This talk was kinda recently and i am allways thinking about my future, and im not even sure what the future have to offer me. I even discoverd that i dive so much in a game, so i can escape from the real problematic world and thought. Everything i do looks live survived. I discribed it as: “I am not living each day, but im trying to survive each day.” And when i looked back at that senteces, i realished that is NOT GOOD, not good at all tbh! But instead of actually do something, i stuck in my head and feels like little though panic attacks… Its getting so horrible, that i kinda punish myself for everthing wrong that i do in my head. For example, i have sleep medicines otherwise i cant go to sleep, but i dont even want to take them. My alarm goes around 8-9pm to take them, so that they work 2-3 hours after that. But now i started regretting to take those medicines and from guiltiness I will take them, but thats around 12-1am. So before i sleep ts 4am and i wake up at 9-10am. I think its somethings i deserve for not enjoying my day. Also if i did something good, i try to say, yes i did a great job. But a few hours later i am thinking, no this day was horrible and now ur not allowed to do this or anything at all.
I feel kinda stuck in my thoughts and don’t have people around to seriously talk about this. Also yeah… nothing i guess. In my mind i suck and i don’t have a great future in front of my eyes. There is for now 2 lights of happiness, and that is listening to the heartsupport streams and punish myself for what i do. And to be fair, that is not really happiness right?!..
Sorry for making this topic to long allready. I have a lot more thoughts in my head, but i dont really have the motivation to show and type them at all. I allready felt guilty for the people who are going tho read this whole story about me ranting about how horrible its going in my life… Im so sorry, and I am going to quit this topic now. Bye…