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Punishing myself, because I deserve it

Hellow HeartSupport,

This is my first topic post ever in my whole life, but after struggling a lot, i wanted to give it a fair shot. I hope that this place can maybe give me some motivated to go further with my life and look positive at the future. A weeks ago I discoverd Dan and Casey doing stream and even host the HeartSupport stream. We had a lot of short and one long conversation their about whats going on maybe to write on the topic whats on my mind. So with long struggling I decided to put my thoughts on this topic.

Because when we are talking about the future, i’m not sure what future people mean. Do they mean the future of joy, the future of technology or the future of hopefully being alive. For me, in one of the talk that I had in a stream i discoverd what the mean reasons was that i dont feel good. I think its that moment that I went to the middle school and still got bullied and lost my granddad aka my loved daddy… I got seriously depressed and already wrote the letter in my head, kinda sketch. at the same time I helped someone from killing theirselfs so double double situation. I think at the point I was like. I can’t control anything except my body, so maybe that works and don’t get bullied But last weeks when I started stream again to improve my selfconficende, I got bullied again that continue on school, so and the holiday that I have now is a lot of time where I can’t talk but only thing about it. and maybe overthink everything…

This talk was kinda recently and i am allways thinking about my future, and im not even sure what the future have to offer me. I even discoverd that i dive so much in a game, so i can escape from the real problematic world and thought. Everything i do looks live survived. I discribed it as: “I am not living each day, but im trying to survive each day.” And when i looked back at that senteces, i realished that is NOT GOOD, not good at all tbh! But instead of actually do something, i stuck in my head and feels like little though panic attacks… Its getting so horrible, that i kinda punish myself for everthing wrong that i do in my head. For example, i have sleep medicines otherwise i cant go to sleep, but i dont even want to take them. My alarm goes around 8-9pm to take them, so that they work 2-3 hours after that. But now i started regretting to take those medicines and from guiltiness I will take them, but thats around 12-1am. So before i sleep ts 4am and i wake up at 9-10am. I think its somethings i deserve for not enjoying my day. Also if i did something good, i try to say, yes i did a great job. But a few hours later i am thinking, no this day was horrible and now ur not allowed to do this or anything at all.

I feel kinda stuck in my thoughts and don’t have people around to seriously talk about this. Also yeah… nothing i guess. In my mind i suck and i don’t have a great future in front of my eyes. There is for now 2 lights of happiness, and that is listening to the heartsupport streams and punish myself for what i do. And to be fair, that is not really happiness right?!..

Sorry for making this topic to long allready. I have a lot more thoughts in my head, but i dont really have the motivation to show and type them at all. I allready felt guilty for the people who are going tho read this whole story about me ranting about how horrible its going in my life… Im so sorry, and I am going to quit this topic now. Bye…


It may sound too easy, but found solace in writing. I am in the midst of writing a book about my family of origin (as they say now) and while it has some sad moments (a family of seven now has only two living) I find writing to be at least SOME solace when I think about my beloved, but dead loved ones. I would also recommend just about ANYTHING that diverts your mind from thinking about sad things, and I have found writing accomplishes this. I am writing a book about my family (of origin, not my current wife and children) and it is really cool and fun, despite the fact that a larger portion of my family is dead than not. Why, because I get to put down my dead loved ones goodness and fun instead of their being dead. There are still times of extreme sadness, but it does help. I have recently been diagnosed with a Dementia (brain wasting disease) so my life will almost certainly be shortened. Sounds awful, right? Well, without sounding like Mr. Overly Positive, it truly is a help, as my mind is occupied with writing, not sadness, and that same brain is made happier when I think of what a wonderful family I had growing up.Is this a cure-all? Nope, but much like a bandaid on a wound, it keeps the “dirt” out and makes the wound less painful. I don’t know if any of this helps, but I hope it does, as depression, oddly enough, is one of the a Dementia can sneak into one’s head. God bless and good luck on finding your “cure” as, though I don’t know you, I know you can.

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Heya Do something for me.

Don’t give up.

That may sound hard but it is possible.

I am a strong believer things happen for a reason.

I don’t even know who you are, but know that your loved.

You are not alone in this battle and the entire Community is here for you.

If you need anything reach out to me on Discord at DarianDaOtter#8898

Stay Strong, Friend.

Darian Halliday/DarianDaOtter
Twitch Streamer

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Keep going, you’re not alone and these may sound like empty words but they are not, I think you’re doing great.

Just keep it up, find more people to talk to, and you’re always welcome to talk.

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