Putting up walls

Recently I hit it off well with my new roommate (for context its for college which i dont start unil the fall). Everything is great but I’m too scared to ask to hang out or even text him. I’m scared that I’ll end up pushing him away. I was able to understand that this is probably due to the fact I’ve had three failed/fake friendships in the past.

How do I overcome this nagging fear?

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Are you currently living with this person? If you’re not going to be around this person until fall, you’re probably better off not pushing for hanging out or texting. When you spend more time with this individual, you’ll have a better idea of whether you will have a real or fake friendship.

I’m not sure, but in my case, I often consider the worst case scenario, then figure out what I’d do about it, or cope with it. I also remind myself that fear won’t improve the odds of not having problems. Fear is a natural thing, and it’s okay to simply acknowledge it and decide how to live with it. It’s interesting that once accepted, the fear tends to diminish.

It’s okay to have walls until you feel safe in removing them. It’s not a bad idea to be polite and friendly, but hold off on making a huge emotional investment in another person until they prove to be trustworthy.

I’m wishing you a good college experience. Stay safe. Wings

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Hi there friend,

I am so excited for you in this next season of life & having something to look forward to with your new roommate. Maybe start with something small like texting them to see if they wanted to hang out at a bookstore or coffee shop…then build up from there. You are going to be roommates sooner than you think & it might help strengthen that relationship by investing in it now.

I can be an awkward turtle at times, & I sometimes have to tell myself to just do it & not overthink it. Your roommate might be thinking & feeling the same things as you are right now.

You are valid. You are enough. You are strong. You are important. You matter. :yellow_heart:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, thank you for your post. I bet it can be a real worry to have a new room mate, not knowing what to expect but if it helps the new room mate also is worrying about who you are so its all about getting to know eachother and the best way to do that is slowly and surely. You could drop them a message and introduce yourself, keep it casual and kind and say you are looking forward to meeting them and leave it at that unless they carry on a conversation. You will have lots of time to talk in the future. Try not to over think this. All will be fine. You’ve got this friend. Much Love Lisa xx

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From: twixremix

hey friend,

so happy to hear you hit it off well with your new roommate! it’s totally understandable with your past experiences with failed/fake friendships that you are hesitant in initiating a new bond with someone. as long as you don’t overwhelm him with texts, he’ll surely be more than excited to get to know you more before move-in day! i’ve been in your shoes and, at least in my experience, a lot of the nagging fear stems from not feeling confident in my own self to be valuable to another person as their friend. once i overcame that barrier with some self-love and truths, i was able to be more open and honest with myself and any new friends. as long as you’re your true self with him, there’s nothing to be anxious about. you’re valued and worthy of love and friendship. wishing you the best of luck in your college journey ahead!

love,
twix

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From: Taladien

Hey OMAMfan,

First and foremost, be yourself! It’s fine to be anxious when you are getting to know new people, especially ones you are hitting it off with! You seem to have done well so far. Keep being authentic with him, and keep getting to know him better as well! You’ll do fine! Asking to hang out is perfectly normal. Though having bad experiences in the past will make anyone anxious, you don’t have to let that dictate how you act now. Be friendly, invite him to hang out, and get to know him! You’ll be spending a LOT of time together come fall, so breaking the ice now will do you well. You got this!

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Hi there,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had such a bad experience with prior friendships and that you’re scared about stepping into a new one. That said, you’ve already mentioned that you’re on good terms, so this is one of those areas where stepping out of your comfort is a good idea! I know it’s hard to do, but taking that first step to interact with your roommate is likely to pay off in the end.

I totally understand the challenge of reaching out to new people and the fear of betrayal from friends, but I am confident that you can push through this and create some meaningful relationships in your college experience!

You got this!
-Tuna

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