Question for those with headmates

Hello, this is Niko, I’m really confused rn. I seem to have memory problems, which is really weird bc my brothers (other headmates) don’t have this problem except for Xaii, but I’m seeming to be worse than him. I’m wondering if it’s because my age? The body is 17 but Im mentally 12-15. Back then I was 8, and when I first showed up I was rabbit so basically a baby. Started learning things, developed, grew, but I can’t seem to remember much of that. Everyone else can though. Even if it’s the tiniest memory, they can remember it. For some reason everything is foggy for me, idk why… yesterday Kovu got a beetle keychain from the suvenoir shop and I hungout with him in headspace because he decided to take care of it there. He hungout on the couch and Xaii and Kio went out following a dog that showed up in the house for some reason. When they came back we were watching videos about bugs and Xaii watched as me and Kovu seemed to get along pretty well. He got jealous, and started asking himself why over and over, now he wants to know if I care about Kovu more than him. We’re all brothers, Xaii even bought the beetle for him, and Kovu was happy about it, so idk why he thinks Kovu hates him. I think maybe they aren’t close enough. We used to all talk like 6 years ago in middle school, but then again Kovu was depressed and quiet. But me and him got along, though, now that I think about it… Xai didn’t talk much to him, just observed and talked to me. They’re so much alike though so idk why he’s so jealous. He started asking me who I cared about more, I know he means well because he doesn’t want to be like that, he just seems to either be jealous or avoid me all together to avoid being toxic, but it worries me. He thinks I don’t care. He thinks because of his anxiety he’s toxic and that’s why I like being around Kovu. Kovu isn’t depressed anymore, so maybe he’s also jealous because Kovu doesn’t have to deal with serious stuff. We… Kind of put everything on Xaii, and it isn’t right, but when we try to help he or us gets distracted or he refuses the help. I think we have to get Nagi to help with this, but Xaii just won’t let this issue go. He’s scared that I’m like his sister (irl sibling) I can’t understand his issues because I’m always blocked from traumas. I’m starting to think it’s bc my age. Because I’ve been younger than him for so long it has caused me to have more trouble understanding serious issues, emotions, and memories. So I’ve been growing latley. I used to be about 12 and I was always happy, but also very confused since everyone else in the system is either the body’s age or a yr older. I feel like I’m finally growing, but I feel like there’s something wrong with my emotions and memory. I’ve been here the longest yet my memory is very dull. Also, when he asked if I liked Kovu or him more, I couldn’t decide. When I think of Kovu I think of cute bugs and how obsessed he is with the sky, which is why he enjoys being around me alot. I think of how he’s quiet yet doesn’t complain much, doesn’t seem to have worries. He’s alot like Xaii in that sense, except when Xaii starts getting worried again. Which is usually when he’s overworked. This makes it hard to decide. Because all Xaii wants is peace, but he doesn’t get it. I mean, do I like Kovu more than him? No… Idk. When i think about if Xaii was never here, I feel like Kovu would become him. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen Xaii’s reactions to trauma, I’ve watched him go through it. Maybe that’s why I can’t remember? But that wouldn’t make sense, because I would still remember the happy memories. He can remember, I cant. It’s almost as if I really don’t care. Xaii used to have a fear I might lack emotion, but we wrote it off as paranoia and let it go. Now I really wonder. I’ve been here the longest, so why… That’s why I think it’s my age, because when you’re young you can’t understand anything, so I’m just gonna try to grow up a and see if I can remember and get ahold of emotions easier. It’s frustrating. Urrrgh, maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough? I wish Xaii didn’t get jealous.

I just realized it, Xaii doesn’t think he’s real. I remember his classmate pointing this out, and him being confused as to how he could see that. That has to be it. This has to do with the trauma. But why is this affecting me? Am I enabling it? I need to help him.


Hello! I’m very sorry, but large chunks of text are impossible for me to process, so I’m not really sure what you said. I hope you get help soon though!

I read the small paragraph at the bottom though and I can testify that Frankie sometimes doubts their own existence as well, but it’s usually just an intrusive thought caused by anxiety.

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It’s a fear for us because when Xaii is really busy we kinda just dissapear as Xaii slowly goes more and more insane. And it’s basically hard to show up in general when there is work to do that is Xaiis job.
We can tell he’s slowly losing his sanity more and more, and contemplating mental suicide. We don’t want him to do anything stupid but we can’t stop him if he isn’t there. He is currently trying to figure out how to mentally kill himself off. I don’t think he’ll be able to find a way but I do know that he may result back to self harm soon and we don’t know if we’ll be able to keep holding him back. Every single day hes thinking about suicide now and has many crying spells, zones out, and is extremely exaughsted from extreme work and no rest. That’s why he wants someone else to front right now. But he’s so attached to the front we can’t exactly control it unless something dangerous happens. I need to front when I have the chance, but he’s so fucking stubborn. I can hear him begging and pleading but he doesn’t move because of his distress.
I know I just ranted, you don’t have to respond to that, we just didn’t want to make another topic for fear of causing annoyance for anyone.
Have a nice day.

What is Mental Suicide? It sounds like something I would be interested in!

I’m sorry but I can’t help you because I’m in a similar situation to him right now. Please go to therapy instead. I’m just a kid. I can’t help you.

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