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Questions about relationships of all kinds

Hello,

I just happen to be confused and bothered by some stupid things and I don’t know where else I could talk about them. I’m probably gonna make a fool of myself by writing this but at this point I don’t really care and it’s not like I was forcing anyone to reply or even read this shit. I apologize for the mistakes and if what I’m about to write is not well-written or clear enough.

Simply put, I would like to know what “love” means, what “love” is.

Then, if I went more into details, I would ask: what does caring about someone mean and what does it imply? What does loving your family/your spouse/your friends mean? Does it mean you feel something for them? What does feeling something for someone even mean? Is it, as I assume it is, something you can feel with your body (maybe I should say “your heart”?)? Does this kind of thing really exist? I mean, why do people talk to other people? Is it because they have a need to talk with someone, so they just pick a person they find is good enough for the job and call them their “friend” or is there more to it? Do people want a partner because they need a dick or a pussy or do they want to be with the other person because they care about the person (whatever that means)? What I mean is, do people need other people in their life to satisfy a need by using them or is it because they feel something for them? But then why would someone accept being used by someone else? Is this world really that ugly? Does genuine caring and concern about other people without any ulterior motives exist? Is it even possible? Why do people worry about other people? Is it to look like a good person before everyone else and/or to feel better about themselves? Why do people cry when someone close to them die? Is it because they loved them (whatever that actually means) and are sad because they won’t be able to see the person ever again and are gonna miss them (what does that even mean?), or is it because they just lost a tool that provided them something they needed and they are gonna have to find a good enough replacement for the person who just died? What do words like “love” or “friend” or even “I love you” actually mean? Do they have the meaning I believe everyone thinks they have (unless I’m dumb and never understood anything about anything)? Do the definitions of these words refer to something real or are they only a polite way of saying to the other person that they are doing a good job at giving the person what they are using them for?

The reason why I’m asking all this is because I’ve been told that I possibly had BPD and it makes me wonder if the way I feel for other people is normal. Is it normal that I need to see them every once in a while because I care about them? Is it normal that I feel happy around them and enjoy spending time with them? Is it normal that I want to know how they are doing? Is it normal that my heart breaks for them and that I wish I could help them, or at least try to cheer them up? Is it normal that I worry about them and wish them well? Is it normal that I would find it hard to say goodbye to them and never see them again because they are who they are and therefore are irreplaceable? Is it normal that I put them first without expecting anything in return, even though I’ll admit it, I wouldn’t mind it being reciprocal? Is it bad to want to feel loved at least from time to time by people you care about? Does the fact that I let things people do or say affect me mean that I’m not normal? Is it that I don’t understand what relationships are about (don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I am an amazing person surrounded by assholes)? Maybe I’m only deceiving myself and am actually like everyone else, heartless, ruthless and manipulative to satisfy my own desires?

I’m gonna stop here because it’s late and I can’t even think straight anymore but I hope I could make myself understood. Sorry to anyone who read this.

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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love doesn’t not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. For the last part of what you wrote, I’d say yes, you are normal. And no, not everyone is that way…heartless, ruthless, manipulative. There are people out there who genuinely care about others, wanting to love them simply because we know its the right thing to do.

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I think that normal, it hard to understand love. I’m been single for most my life and I kinda like hopeless romantic. I been hurt by a lot people and I felt use and not fully love by those people. However, I also hurt person that love me so much it hurts. I know one for sure, love is something you can’t control, you can’t control who you love or anyone to love you.

On the other can their all different kind of love, like romantic, friendship, family or even love of self. It nature as air or water. However, there really no words for it, because it hard to define. So it perfectly normal to question what love is.

Hey @smellytastycheese - Thanks for bringing your question to us, and trusting your heart here. It can make us feel really vulnerable to ask a question that it seems like everyone else has the answer to. I can tell you right now, it is not stupid, and you have nothing to apologize for. In fact, I think it very admirable that you are willing to listen to the experiences of others to try and understand your world more.

First, I think “love” is different for everyone. You are going to get a myriad of replies here, and each of them valid. It may not be the same definition that applies to you, but hopefully it can provide you some clarity for yourself, and what your definition of love is. For me, love is a choice. I make the choice every morning to wake up, and love people. I think romantic love, and unconditional love, change and evolve with the people involved. My significant other and I have romantic love, but most importantly we have unconditional love. Even in the face of circumstances such as disagreements, or hurt feelings, I chose to value his heart, his feelings, and his story as I would mine. I care for the outcome, but not just for me, but for him as well. I would go to the ends of the world to improve his experiences, if only to witness his joy. Love creates a bond that joins our lives together and we are mutually supportive of each other’s journeys. I think this addresses some of your other questions as well. I have some friends who are challenging to love sometimes (that’s okay!) who in times, lay their troubles at my door without seeming to care about my experience. But with grace, forgiveness, and the choice to love, I appreciate their human nature and I want to continue to walk along side them through whatever it is they face. I don’t feel this in my body necessarily as much as I see it as a process of choice, and in that it is tangible to me. When I put aside my pride and ego for someone else, I see the gesture of love in my actions. The part of my brain that connects closely with others speaks for my heart, when it makes that choice every day.

The connections between people can happen spontaneously, with mutual interests or activities, but sometimes the connection with others is circumstantial. More often than not, I find my friendships and relationships have a connection, but no clear explanation. I just, get on with them, and from then on I love them. This is different for everyone, but I think human’s are too complex to explain the unique connection between any two people as a cause and effect. Romantic love, a lot of times, can be lustful and be driven by that, and that is a unique feeling as well, but I think it is different. I think this type of love is felt in your body, and maybe leaves out your brain sometimes :wink: .

You came to the right place to talk about unconditional love. Here, HeartSupport people represent the best case scenario of love. The world can be ugly, but it can also be beautiful. There is two sides to every coin. Here, people do have genuine concern and care about complete strangers, because we value life, and see potential and promise in every breath of every person. It might sound corny, especially since you are asking some pretty great questions about these feelings, it might sound too good to be true. I promise, it isn’t. However, it can be really difficult to trust and understand depending on your background and general understanding of others. I worry and care about everyone here because, even if they can’t, I have seen so many people rise from the ashes and the potential of people is magical, and it is my pleasure to remind people that it exists, especially in their darkest times.

When I lost my grandmother a few years ago, I felt the loss of a loved one and I know you are asking about what that is, and how that feels, so it is hard to explain amidst the other questions but… it feels like drowning in sadness. It feels like a big, beautiful tree that is strong and holds the ground in place. You read your favorite books under this tree, you have stories about swinging from it’s branches, falling and getting hurt, and then getting up to witness a bird raise it’s family among the leaves. On your way to relax under the tree, it is gone. Completely. All that is left is a deep ominous hole in the ground. Then the hole swallows you up, and you are drowning in the darkness. You miss the light, the comfort, the strength of the roots. You miss being able to enjoy your favorite books, and all the springs you won’t see with baby birds and new blooms. It feels like something was taken away from you, that you looked forward to and depended on. It eventually gets easier, but death is very difficult. Even a loss of a friendship where the person moves away, or moves on with someone else, can feel like this type of loss. Nothing can occupy the hole they left, but if you are as lucky as I am, there are many others around you who will shelter and support you.

“Love”, “friend”, and “I love you” all mean different things, for different people. No matter how they are used, they do carry a weight and I think they always mean, I am with you. I see you, and you matter. That is why I say I love people here, I do, and I mean every word.

I can’t tell you based on your mental health what is your normal, but caring about others and wanting to be around them seems very normal to me. Everything you describe sounds healthy, and normal in my opinion. It sounds like you really do care about others. I hope that you have others in your life that care this much about making sure you are being the best for them. You do not sound like a heartless person, but it is still okay to recognize you are not perfect. You might not always be at your best. But I would not count you among the ranks of the ruthless, based on what you’ve asked.

Keep being you, I honestly think it is working.

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I love and care about you, @smellytastycheese - It was FAR from a bother. You are worth all the time and effort here, even if you can’t imagine it. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your story.

First off: STOP APOLOGISING! Had to scream that out and so I can apologise in my turn now to put some icing on the irony cake. (Instead of apologising, you can thank people instead. It has a more rewarding effect, I promise.) Thank you for my TED Talk.

Now onto your question:

You being diagnosed with BPD must be difficult and very confusing. However, your views on love and caring for others are completely normal sweetheart.

At first I wanted to sit down and answer every question you had, but I see that’s not what you need. You need a big hug right now and a reassuring voice that tells you that you are still okay. I sadly cannot offer it in any other way than virtual.

If you’d still like me to answer every single question separately though, I’m more than willing to do that.

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