I just happen to be confused and bothered by some stupid things and I don’t know where else I could talk about them. I’m probably gonna make a fool of myself by writing this but at this point I don’t really care and it’s not like I was forcing anyone to reply or even read this shit. I apologize for the mistakes and if what I’m about to write is not well-written or clear enough.
Simply put, I would like to know what “love” means, what “love” is.
Then, if I went more into details, I would ask: what does caring about someone mean and what does it imply? What does loving your family/your spouse/your friends mean? Does it mean you feel something for them? What does feeling something for someone even mean? Is it, as I assume it is, something you can feel with your body (maybe I should say “your heart”?)? Does this kind of thing really exist? I mean, why do people talk to other people? Is it because they have a need to talk with someone, so they just pick a person they find is good enough for the job and call them their “friend” or is there more to it? Do people want a partner because they need a dick or a pussy or do they want to be with the other person because they care about the person (whatever that means)? What I mean is, do people need other people in their life to satisfy a need by using them or is it because they feel something for them? But then why would someone accept being used by someone else? Is this world really that ugly? Does genuine caring and concern about other people without any ulterior motives exist? Is it even possible? Why do people worry about other people? Is it to look like a good person before everyone else and/or to feel better about themselves? Why do people cry when someone close to them die? Is it because they loved them (whatever that actually means) and are sad because they won’t be able to see the person ever again and are gonna miss them (what does that even mean?), or is it because they just lost a tool that provided them something they needed and they are gonna have to find a good enough replacement for the person who just died? What do words like “love” or “friend” or even “I love you” actually mean? Do they have the meaning I believe everyone thinks they have (unless I’m dumb and never understood anything about anything)? Do the definitions of these words refer to something real or are they only a polite way of saying to the other person that they are doing a good job at giving the person what they are using them for?
The reason why I’m asking all this is because I’ve been told that I possibly had BPD and it makes me wonder if the way I feel for other people is normal. Is it normal that I need to see them every once in a while because I care about them? Is it normal that I feel happy around them and enjoy spending time with them? Is it normal that I want to know how they are doing? Is it normal that my heart breaks for them and that I wish I could help them, or at least try to cheer them up? Is it normal that I worry about them and wish them well? Is it normal that I would find it hard to say goodbye to them and never see them again because they are who they are and therefore are irreplaceable? Is it normal that I put them first without expecting anything in return, even though I’ll admit it, I wouldn’t mind it being reciprocal? Is it bad to want to feel loved at least from time to time by people you care about? Does the fact that I let things people do or say affect me mean that I’m not normal? Is it that I don’t understand what relationships are about (don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I am an amazing person surrounded by assholes)? Maybe I’m only deceiving myself and am actually like everyone else, heartless, ruthless and manipulative to satisfy my own desires?
I’m gonna stop here because it’s late and I can’t even think straight anymore but I hope I could make myself understood. Sorry to anyone who read this.