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Quitting marijuana and tobacco

I am a 25 year old female currently quitting marijuana and tobacco. I am 10 days smoke free. Additionally I have some severe mental health problems and am currently unmedicated due to insurance issues. My family will kick me out if they find out i am off my meds so I need to stay cool. I have recently moved across the country to tackle my addiction and live with my family; they do not know I am an addict or that I have moved back to quit. I have only one friend in the world and I am grateful for the chance to speak with her very few months but beyond that i have no contact with peers. I avoid social situations because i have difficulty acting respectfully and responsibly. I have been struggling to make it through days for my entire adult life and the later part of my childhood when mental illness began. now, without the false hope that my vices will sooth me, it is just as hard as ever. Each morning I pray for death and each night I thank Him for giving me the gift of sleep. I am lucky to sleep soundly and I am thankful for every break from consciousness that I am blessed enough to have. It is close enough to death for me. If I could simply sleep forever I would be fine. It is being awake that i struggle with. I am trying to handle this quit but I have been experiencing intense rage which is very difficult for me to manage in a responsible manner. I cannot handle my rage when I am smoking and it is even harder now. I am hoping out there somewhere there is someone like me who has found a way to deal with the pain of life soberly and not burden those around them. I am sick of ruining everyone’s good time. I have heard that women are slightly above dogs in God’s eyes but in my heart I feel more like a dog turd. If i cannot find relief I wish I could find acceptance. Sorry DABDA I know but I don’t know how to get out of the cycle of anger and depression and move on to acceptance. Please advise

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hey there i am so sorry for your situation but 10 days is better than 0 you are so so strong and very heavy set minded - where you are focused on the goal you have you moving across country! that’s amazing! i’m so proud of you and i know that you can keep going! take it one day at a time and we are proud of you :))

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Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to support a fool like me. I am so grateful for your kindness. This morning at 8 am I have made it 11 days. Here’s to 12 tomorrow.

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