Racing thoughts (cw self harm )

My mind is racing as I lay in bed I can’t quite Tell what is bouncing around I’m my brain but I can feel the anxiety about what ever it is Everytime it “hits” one side of my head and is on its way to the other it’s like a DVD logo bouncing on a screen or a rubber ball bouncing off the walls in a room It might have to do with the news of my family dog needing to be put down but I feel like if it was I’d be able to identify it as that for certain but I don’t know every time I try to focus on it everything gets fuzzy like Im losing a tv signal it’s weird feeling this way but I’m sure it’s just my head protecting me best it can till I’m ready to face all that’s in there I wish I could feel less guilty about having to devote everything Into my mental health but I don’t know if that’s something I can achieve these last few months have felt like a eternity every week feels like a month every day like a week I don’t have friends to go see so I have no escape from things besides going to appointment s most of which are over the phone so I don’t actually go anywhere and I live next to a high way miles from any town and I don’t have a license but that’s what ever at this point it’s useless dwelling over that fucking thing that scooter was a dumb idea I’m a idiot for thinking I’d ever be able to ride it I can’t even look at the thing anymore cuz I hate my self for wasting that money but it seemed like the best option when I was working it was cheap I could afford it in a few months of saving rather then the year or more when I wassent even certain I’d last that long and sure enough I dident cuz it’s another failure to add to my list along with being a good child to my parents or a good partner to my significant others or a function Al human I want my dad back so bad lately I just want a hug from him and his sense of comfort he gave me even tho he’s semi responsible for me turning out this way but thankfully he never abused me like mom did but she seems to have mellowed out after his passing maybe she’s just done with the fighting or is giving up like our dog who knows I know I wanna give up but like my dad always said “your a Jarvis your more stubborn then you think” and yeah he’s right my body won’t let me quit even tho IT wants me too i wanna be alone that way I don’t have to answer to anyone but my self I don’t have to worry about having things done before people get home I don’t have to worry about them over hearing my therapy sessions or worried what they think when I spend hours a day not being productive but that’s just me trying to stay calm and not freak out my face is still sore from punching myself today my right hand is bruised my brother wants to go swim in a river or lake tomorrow I’m not certain about that it would be the first time I’ve gone swimming since coming out to him as trans and a big reason I stopped Is swimming with out a shirt but I can’t stand swimming with a shirt on the fabric sticking to my skin suffocating me wanting to weigh me down under the waves of everything I use alot of fucking metaphors I’m a obnoxious shit arnt I can’t you words for my emotions and pain I have to use metaphors like a middle school emo kid writing in her live journal in the 2000s…that seemed to help get some of this out of my system it seems time to try and go back to bed maybe so ASMR by ephemeral rift will help his work always keeps my mind focused and is chill enough for me to calm down and drift off to sleep

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From: j71s8 (Discord)

hey, thanks for replying! I really appreciate you opening up! I have many times had my mind race when i have been up unable to sleep, it was such a common thing for me. I would spend hours writing in journals and then myspace back when that was the thing. It was so much for me to go through a lo. I am so sorry to hear about the struggles you have that you feel alone. I want to tell you that you are not alone here with us, you are loved. You are worthy of being free from SH. You are worthy of the positive things in this life, all of them and only them. You are worthy of being in the places, and situations in life that make you comfortable. That includes the clothing that you wear. It is absolutely 100% fine to be who you are. Never let anyone, tell you other wise. You are deserving of all these things because you are human, and that is why. You deserve life, a positive, life, a life free of harm, a life fulfilling and full of happiness. You are loved, you matter, and you are cared for greatly!

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Hi Derplupp,

Oddly, this is very poetic, and quite raw. I enjoyed this artistically. Thank you for expressing yourself in this way. It’s like a DVD logo bouncing on the screen or a rubber ball bouncing off the walls in a room - this is something i can 100% relate to. I know a world where thoughts race. It can be very uncomfortable. Till you’re ready to face all that’s in there. I really appreciate this comment. It makes me wonder what there is to face? I am so curious. I wonder what is in my own head sometimes. I know too that missing your family members can be difficult especially when there is a complicated history.
It also sounds like you have a lot of pain in you and you’ve experienced a lot of suffering my friend. <3 I can feel that based off your words. I am sorry that there haven’t been those who treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I am glad this text has helped get it out of your system. ASMR is really relaxing. Please feel free to continue posting on this wall for support. We care about you!! Warmly, Dot.

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Hi Derpplup
I am glad you got to write this all down, when so much is going around in your head its no wonder you struggle to focus on any one thing, I know from experinencing my own anxiety issues that especially at night when you are trying to get to sleep it all comes creeping in and everything becomes catastrophized and a complete mess so maybe getting it all out before getting into bed could be a plan? I tend to write notes about things that are causing me frustration, just a few less things to focus on. I find it helps a bit.
You seem so hard on yourself and that is sad because you dont need to be. You are not an idiot, infact from reading your words I would hasten to add you are far from that. You are a person who has had a lot going on, who still has a lot going on and just needs to be heard, understood and loved just like anyone else. I hope that by being here you maybe have found some of that. I hope you have because you deserve it.
Please stay in touch.
Lisa

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I will I wassent expecting this sorta response from my post honestly i was just laying in bed watching mythbusters and trying to sleep I dident end up falling asleep till about 4 am I wrote this post at like 1 after 2 hours of tossing and turning I know it’s bad to have tech in bed but it’s often the only thing that can keep my mind focused on something other then the time of night and how I really need to go to bed it was one of the biggest stressers when I had a job was going to bed on time and then falling asleep in time cuz I was so worried id over sleep and so now my brain is just so conditioned to worry about getting up even tho I now have nothing to get up for

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