Rambling again

i went like a month without cutting since i was sent to the hospital, but me and my mom have been getting into arguments, my mood health supplements arent working, and i just feel really guilty about when im sad without having a reason. So i started cutting my thighs instead of my wrist and arms, but after a few days my mom saw them and just asked when they were from and didnt do anything about it, and the fact that it seems like she doesnt care anymore also makes me feel guilty because i dont wanna be upset that she might not care, because it makes me feel like im looming for attention even though thats the last thing i want. i dont know, ever since i started cutting in the first place its been about everyday that ive had suicidal thoughts and just wanted to die or something. I just really cant wait until i have a really good day and not wanna die yknow lol i dont know though. i shouldnt feel that way about my life though, even though i dont have everything normal 15 year old girls have, i still have things like a roof over my head and a family so i just dont think i shoukd feel that way at all. So far i have 18 new cuts on my legs, but like 50 something i. total from the start, including the scars. And its a lot i need to stop but its really addicting. Like the amount, i always count them, and the higher the number, for me, the better idk, its like im hooked to the numbers. I think i havr 53, but like if i get it up past 60 idk that would just make me feel like okay theres 60 something little bits of pain i deserved and it seems cool to me im not sure why.

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Consider that although it may be difficult to deal with emotionally, the arguments with your mom, are evidence that she really does care, even if she does so in a way that you don’t like. She could be choosing not to react to the cutting if she is under the impression that it is an attention seeking behavior. However, I don’t believe that’s the case.

Self-harm often becomes a compulsion, even after the reason it was started has been resolved. I think in your case, the reason has not been resolved. I think you are being really hard on yourself, judging yourself harshly and feeling guilty. As you have said, it’s addictive and especially so, when it’s reinforced with negative self judgment.

I believe you are a genuinely good person and don’t deserve your self abuse.

You need help. Don’t hesitate to ask for it.

Try calling or texting these folks: https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/#what-is-self-harm-1

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Hey @brokenglass

Thank you so much for reaching out here on the wall. It takes a lot of courage to open up like you did.
You say you feel sad sometimes without a reason and that you feel guilty about it. It’s okay to feel sad, even if we don’t know where it comes from. Sometimes we are just sad for no reason and that really sucks, but it’s nothing to feel guilty for. It’s part of being human. Something I do sometimes when I’m feeling sad and I don’t know why, is grab something to colour and put music in my ears and just blast it as loud as I can. I just keep on going till I don’t feel that sad anymore.

You’re talking about struggling with self-harm and I can totally relate with you on how addictive it is and the constant feeling that you need to hurt more and again, but also about how other people often don’t understand why. Heck often times I didn’t even understand why I was doing it, I just felt that I needed to do it. Today haven’t harmed for 103 days and tbh I never thought that I would make it that far. But one of the things that has helped me a lot is Re-Write. One of the books from this community. It really helped me to get a good understanding of the addiction and how to beat it.
I even read it with a friend in this community and she is one of the people who I turn to when I get a really big urge to harm again. If you are open for it, maybe you can read this book. It might give you an insight into your harming addiction and maybe you can even read it with your mother so she also gets a better understanding of what self-harm is and why it’s so difficult to stop. If not your mother, you can always ask someone else to read with you! Maybe someone here on the wall is willing to do it!

Also, I agree with what @Wings said. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Crisis lines are there for a reason and you deserve to care for yourself. So if you ever feel like you’re not in control, call a crisis line! I know it says “suicide crisis lines” on the page, but they also show different crisis lines and are also equipped to help you when you want to harm yourself.


You’re loved! :hrtlegolove:
-Nyntje
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@brokenglass
Everyone has needs, your needs are as important as the needs of anyone else on the planet.
I think it’s entirely possible that in some way your needs are not being met, and you’re left feeling desolate. This doesn’t mean that you will Always feel the way you do now, or that change is not possible.
We’re ‘told’ that if we have a roof over our head, and not a ‘bad’ life, that we should be ‘happy’, but a ‘happy’ life takes more than that, especially if you’ve been denied something pretty basic. You could have the best family in the world, and still have missed something that contributed to your current mental health issues.
I would encourage you to allow for the idea that what you’re going through, and your coping mechanism, cutting, happens when you’re vulnerable and mentally exhausted. And that is the time to do just what you’re doing now, reaching out. Many of us understand the pain and hurt you’re experiencing, as well as the many many self harming ways we cope with our pain, but you’re here to change that, and we’re here to help you change. YOU deserve love and support, not pain. Perhaps breaking the addiction will start today, now. Thank you for allowing us in, and being so open about what you’re going through. Again, Please keep reaching out. Peace :heart: :heart:

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