I told myself I would post something here and here I am. I tend to ramble quite a bit and i don’t always have my thoughts all together so it might be all over the place, I apologize in advance.
So recently I have been going through quite the change. In march of 2018 I had come out of the closet, for the most part, as a trans male. In July I was starting to try and make myself known for my art on social media. I was starting to do the things i loved more. This made me happy, I was finally being myself even if it was just a little it. In the years before i had weeks where i would feel depressed, like I was a failure, that I didn’t deserve to be here. Did coming out make it all go away? No, it didn’t. I still have those weeks. Weeks where I feel broken and numb. Weeks where I just want to crawl back into my shell or be invisible. I almost feel like I am drowning or chains are holding me down, keeping me from flying high in the sky. Every time I want to talk about it I feel like id become a burden. That I shouldn’t be pushing my problems and baggage onto others, even if i’m not intending to. Even if I wanted to put some of my problems and baggage onto others I would bottle it all in because I didn’t want to burden others with it.
Later on in the month of March i came out to my parents. My mother and father were both confused, as I had acted exactly how a normal girl would act before this. I had told them this reasoning: I was acting how I thought everyone else wanted me to act like.
As a kid I was very impressionable and just wanted to be friends with everyone. So in my naive mind I did whatever I thought people wanted me to act. Everyone I knew expected me to act like a girl because I was born a female.
My mother was furious and my dad just supports me from the sidelines, not doing much. Thus even more so I have begun to go back into my shell. Although it was a damaged shell, as someone dear to me had helped me break it long ago, it still served its purpose and made me invisible, almost forgotten. As i peaked out of my shell 3 other people took notice and helped me back out along with the original one that helped me out.
Though things may have gotten better I have also gotten worse. I have had frequent panic attacks when trying to interact with people publicly and sometimes online. I have also had fits where my mood would go through 4 moods before returning to normal, the last of which lasts for an unidentified amounts of time as each time is different.
As i struggle to begin my final year of high school as a 17 year old I look forward to leaving my ‘home’ and getting myself checked out by professionals. As of this moment I fear what my mother would say when I would come home with the results as I am trans and she doesn’t exactly like it.
I rambled and i probably didn’t make sense in some places but as i type this with shaky hands and full of emotions I am proud I finally said SOMETHING rather than nothing at all.