Rant rant rant

Sigh, this is gonna be a bit of a rant about my love life.

Firstly im def having tension headaches rn thanks to the depression im feeling. Trying to control my emotions is sorta killing me too haha, these eyes are constantly watery

Where to start. My SO and I were working the same job till 3 days back. She resigned recently. I very reluctantly made my peace with that. Everyone takes tgeir own path yeah? But an issue i anticipated even before she resigned came up. Since the beginning of this relationship, we’ve had a constant issue.

I prefer phone calls she prefers text messages , its been the source of multiple arguments. Think it was around week 3, we tried to compromise voice messages and we did it worked.

There were a couple of incidents of our schedules mot syncing up taking sick leave for example. And ofc i felt neglected again and started engaging .

You know i started to realise this everytime i start to talk about my feelings about the situation, she always starts to get super defensive and starts blaming herself instead of listening to the solutions i propose.

Ive tried multiple ways to deal with this, ive tried to listen instead of talking, comforting instead of insisiting, understanding instead of blaming. It doesnt work , once she turtles up , the only thing shes intrested in is blaming herself.

There were even instances where i had to keep telling here im not angry anymore but she kept insidting i am and in the end inreally got mad… cuz someone keeps being annoying.

Sigh sorry that was a tangent , anyway a lot of issues , but back to the main topic, i knew we were bound for a communication breakdown. Just reading back the messages weve been fighting for 4 days now lol.

I dont even know where to begin. Well the main thing is the this . I told her im stil dealing with not seeing her daily , that i wish she would call . And she did , which im grateful for honestly, its just the way she handled that phone call made me feel so unwanted and worthless.

She called and the first thing she says okay i called you ald , bye. … im not sure about you guys but that sentence alone made me feel like i forced her to call me that im actually some worthless piece of burden she wants to deal with and not bother after, like an annoying
errand u gotta run cuz ur mother is nagging . Srsly annoyed.

I responded after she called me that the phone call sounded unwilling and then we started arguing , ill summarize a bit

I called her again to show her what i meant by phone call, just asking simple questions like hows ur day have u eaten hows ur mother these kinda simple questions.

Then she started to tell me oh phone calls drain her and stress her out, even taking 5 mins to talk depresses her. Sigh, so i started telling her its not the length lf the call , its the quality. If i can make you feel like i care ,thats all is needed.

She said she has ald taken a step back just by calling me to leave me that msg hi, okay i call u ald, bye.

Fuuuuu, the more i type that the more mad i get, srsly . In what universe does that show you care about someone

[02/01, 13:35] Me: But I can tell you that if ur purpose is to cheer me up I need it to be quality
[02/01, 13:36] 恋しい: Its always out of my means
[02/01, 13:36] 恋しい: And i already made effort
[02/01, 13:36] Me: I see it
[02/01, 13:36] 恋しい: Even hi bye to me needs effort
[02/01, 13:36] Me: It just doesn’t work for me
[02/01, 13:37] Me: Let’s work on it okay?
[02/01, 13:37] 恋しい: I already take a step back to call n hi bye you
[02/01, 13:37] 恋しい: :frowning:
[02/01, 13:43] Me: Sigh
[02/01, 13:44] Me: I’m just saying
[02/01, 13:44] Me: I understand u compromised
[02/01, 13:44] 恋しい: You saying i can’t understand you :frowning:
[02/01, 13:45] Me: It’s not that you can understand
[02/01, 13:45] Me: Can’t
[02/01, 13:45] Me: It’s more that I need quality phone time
[02/01, 13:45] Me: If I’m not by you
[02/01, 13:47] 恋しい: I got calllkkk you :frowning:
[02/01, 13:48] Me: How abt this let’s bargain
[02/01, 13:49] Me: I think for me 2 calls a day 1 morning 1 night 5 mins each just share our day
[02/01, 13:49] Me: Now u haggle me down
[02/01, 13:49] 恋しい: I got call you
[02/01, 13:49] 恋しい: :frowning:
[02/01, 13:49] Me: I’m not saying u didnt
[02/01, 13:49] 恋しい: Even its hi bye i still callled
[02/01, 13:50] Me: Yes you did
[02/01, 13:50] Me: Can we plan for fhe future instead?
[02/01, 13:55] 恋しい: Its kk. Everything i did is always not enough
[02/01, 14:02] Me: I’m ok with it
[02/01, 14:02] Me: As long as we try to move foward
[02/01, 14:03] Me: So twice a day 5 mins each , that’s a no?
[02/01, 14:04] 恋しい: Then you will say not enough also
[02/01, 14:04] Me: If we agree upon it I’m ok
[02/01, 14:04] Me: Like the voice message thing
[02/01, 14:05] Me: But I know what I need
[02/01, 14:05] 恋しい: Its draining to me…
[02/01, 14:05] Me: Okay then suggestions
[02/01, 14:05] 恋しい: I got call you leh
[02/01, 14:05] 恋しい: But you cannot
[02/01, 14:05] 恋しい: So call you, cannot
[02/01, 14:06] Me: Yes but will you do that in the future with no promt
[02/01, 14:06] 恋しい: Message you cannot
[02/01, 14:06] 恋しい: Then how
[02/01, 14:07] 恋しい: Sighs
[02/01, 14:07] Me: I did tell you how
[02/01, 14:07] Me: Instead of hi bye
[02/01, 14:07] Me: Just ask me how I am
[02/01, 14:07] Me: I can do the rest
[02/01, 14:07] 恋しい: And i told you hi bye is draining enough for me
[02/01, 14:08] 恋しい: :frowning:
[02/01, 14:09] 恋しい: The point is
[02/01, 14:09] 恋しい: I got call you when you wanted it
[02/01, 14:09] Me: You have to understand why I refuse to accept
[02/01, 14:09] Me: It’s not cuz of stubbornness
[02/01, 14:09] Me: Or cuz I want to
[02/01, 14:09] Me: It’s cause those kinda phone calls make me feel worse
[02/01, 14:14] 恋しい: So yea
[02/01, 14:14] 恋しい: I need to go in depress mood to make you happy then
[02/01, 14:16] 恋しい: I already step back and gave you a call
[02/01, 14:17] 恋しい: You dislike it what
[02/01, 14:18] Me: I’ve a question, what do you think having a partner is for?
[02/01, 14:19] 恋しい: For me its just companionship
[02/01, 14:19] 恋しい: For you otherwise
[02/01, 14:19] Me: For me it’s someone I can share my troubles with , be it small or big , we go through it together
[02/01, 14:20] Me: I need someone I can share stuff with daily
[02/01, 14:20] 恋しい: Message can do the same thing
[02/01, 14:21] Me: It’s not
[02/01, 14:21] Me: I need to open my mouth and talk to a listening ear
[02/01, 14:22] 恋しい: So by the end of it, i need to voice call you and felt drain n depressed just to make you happy

This goes on for some time , not gonna post all of it, but in the intrest of saving time and full disclosure , im posting that, sigh honestly , idk , i guess my main question here is AITA(Am i the asshole)?

Is it wrong for me to have needs? Am i too persistent ? What can i even do better?

Sigh adding on to my anxiety is now the depression of feeling like im the asshole in this relationship and just a whole lot of other things in life rn.

Honestly just typing here makes me feel more heard rn , isnt that just kinda sad hahahaha

Anyway in the end i continued bargaining down to two voice messages a day just asking me how i am thats all

I really dont think thats unreasonable , considering that im used to phone calls, i tried to compromise

Then she said shes tired shes going to sleep… i told her i assume she will consider it

Today i told her i feel like killing myself , she just told me to go to work.

You ever feel like ur not being heard , cuz thats what im feeling rn.

I just want the pain the turmoil to stop .

Just done with life.

And nvm idk idc

My only solace is rn im at work, so a lot of distraction rn

Miao

Im not sure how she will feel about me sharing like this, but im sorta outta avenues to share . I did tell her if she doesnt want to listen , ill find others who will

Typing doesnt help me fully , but if even just for a tiny while i feel better , maybe it works

Im not asking for heaven and earth here. Just 2 voicenmessages , i tried to compromise ald . The rest of it im trying to handle myself.

Ok gotta stop, starting to cry at work lol

Okay , bye

3 Likes

Welcome back! Thank you sharing and explaining the situation. I hope it did help you feel a bit better, it can be a cathartic outlet to type things out.

So reading through this, I can see that you’ve done a really good job in trying to communicate your needs and suggesting compromises and ways to stay connected. I can totally understand how talking on the phone can make some people nervous, so I thought the voice message was a great idea and even the shorter calls.

Can I ask when you’re texting one another does she seem a bit more open and talk about things? Like you mentioned about talking about each others days ect, which to me is a standard thing when you have a friendship or relationship with someone.

My feelings towards her responses are merely based on what you’ve shared obviously, so I only ask if it feels a bit more relaxed when she messages. In saying that I would personally find it hard to maintain a relationship if the person I’m involved with didn’t want to call me and made it feel almost like a chore to do so.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, you’ve asked her what you both can do to move forward and to work through it.
It sounds like you’ve been very open and accomodating to her needs and haven’t really been receiving back what you’re giving.

I guess there probably needs to be a conversation about the sustainability of that. What are her expectations regarding communication and relationships?

I am concerned about her response to you telling her that you’re feeling suicidal, in general it’s concerning you feeling that way. I do hope that you would consider reaching out for crisis support, I would hate to think you’re not being able to be heard in those moments.

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Hi there, so glad you’re here and sharing this.

What I’m hearing is that you two have very different relationships with phone calls, you love them, she is stressed out by them.
Also, it sounds like you attach a lot of self-worth and value to hearing her voice on the phone call, and having her re-affirm your worth daily. But this ends up stressing her out, so there’s a cycle that forms where your needs aren’t met, and her MH takes a hit too.

Suggestion:
Why not ask her for a longer, loving voice message or a video recording that she records on her own time, just saying how much she cares, etc. And instead of daily calls, you can listen to this recording whenever you need it?
You will have to remind yourself that she made it with love, and she made it to be able to help you with your day. And then you don’t have to have her actually call. This could relieve her of the anxiety and draining effects calls have on her.

It could be really really beneficial to you to find the skills and tricks to manage your emotions as well, when we rely on someone else to do that for us, it opens us up to heartbreak and disappointment, because it’s an unrealistic expectations. They have their own lives, and when they’re busy or dealing with their own struggles, we can feel as if we aren’t as important.
I see you said it makes you feel like killing yourself and that’s intense, friend. It’s intense (for her) to hear that if she doesn’t call you enough, or in the “right way”, that you’re going to harm yourself. That is an unfair burden to her.
And it’s intense for you too, and I’m sorry that this affects you so deeply that it even makes your mind go to that.

I know you’re struggling and you miss seeing her everyday. But please do know that your needs can be met in different ways. It’s truly awesome that you have been open with your communications, but you also have to hear that this affects her mental health. Both of you have to find a way to be heard and have needs met in a healthy way that builds you both up.

There might even be exercises you can do that help gives you the same feeling of love and worth that her calls provide. Hopefully someone can link those to you, or I can search some up later if you’re interested.

We always say here that you matter, and you’re loved, because we genuinely believe that. The moment we accept that we are indeed loved and we matter can be a powerful and positive moment. I hope you feel seen and heard here, and valued, because you are all of those things. You deserve good and peaceful moments. You are worth so much. And the world is a better place with you in it.

3 Likes

Welcome back and thank you so much for sharing. It must be a very difficult situation as it seems you both want the same but go different paths to reach that. I agree with Bimini that you have done a great job staying calm in this stressful situation and trying to explain your point of view. I also believe you need to find some common ground for the future so you both can be happy. Sita had some great suggestions about a longer voice message and also pointed out that you might want to reach out to crisis resources if you feel suicidal. Of course a partner can (and should) support you within their own means, but it cannot be their and your burden alone. I understand both of your positions. It is horrible to feel rejected from the one person you share your life with. It is no wonder you feel unwanted and get a bit impatient at times. I get the impression you two need different ways to deal with everyday life and I’m sure a compromise for that can be reached. I also understand her side very well. I dislike phone calls and voice chats a lot and they stress me out and cause me a lot of anxiety, even with my loved ones. You seem to me like a very social person who needs lots of human contact to feel connected, and nothing’s wrong with that. I get the impression that she is the opposite, which I absolutely can relate to. Human contact, or contact in a way you cannot deal with right now, can be very overwhelming. It makes sense that she would feel bad and blames herself a lot. Maybe she feels like she cannot give you what you want and need, or at least not in the amount you would like? She doesn’t want to disappoint you of course. But her way differs from your way. Her phone calls are so weird and feel rushed because she has to step a lot out of her comfort zone. If she didn’t care she wouldn’t call you even though it drains her so much.

I also have a suggestion, maybe send her (long) voice messages and talk about everything as much as you need. And she can text you in response, then she has time to process and collect her thoughts. Just because she isn’t talkative on the phone doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. This way she could contact you on her own terms when she prefers to and wouldn’t feel “forced” so she might be much more open since it’s in her own way of doing things.
You are not in the wrong. But neither is she. You two are just two very different people with different needs. I hope it will work out and you can find a solution you both are happy with.

1 Like

Fuuu, firstly thank you guys for your replies. Really made the last few hours of work better, cheered me up too.

Srsly i got so much more to say that is not related to this at all

Ive got so many thoughts running in my head at all times, sigh honestly its always hell in my head hahaha.

You know reading the replies she does always tell me to not overthink, go distract myself

But heres the thing, if i were to constantly distract myself with games or work, huh doesnt sound so bad when i type it out

Thats what most ppl do right? We just dive into our phones to keep ourselves busy

I think the issue lies with after i leave my phone or work, i just feel empty. Anyway its not healthy also to spend too much time doing that

Even if i just silently spend time with my thoughts , it results in anxiety like ur seeing now, im extremely anxious

Its actually amazing how fast the brain works , i can go through what feels like a couple of years of sequence of events in just 5 mins then my anxiety straight up just amplifies

Look honestly i think the original post made her look like she doesnt care but i mean 10 months is honestly pretty long, shes done a lot for me too, i do see that.

A lot of time i feel like im projecting my anxiety forward into her and yea i know its not healthy

I read something before that sorta stuck with me, that there is a diffrence between having standards and being overly picky, basically the main point was dont ask others to do what you cant do as well

Idk I feel like maybe ive compromised too many of my standards

You guys know what gaslighting is? Sometimes i feel like ive been gaslighted.

Ahaha god im so bored and my thoughts are starting to wander again , and the bad voices are back again.

You know i understand why ppl drink to forget sometimes smoke to relax , life feels so just pointless

You know there was a guy here few months back , i read his post and it made so much sense it sorta stuck with me too he talk about extentialism or however u spell it, its like no matter what we do we are insignificant and we will die

God it made so much sense and sort of expressed what ive been trying to grasp but cant put it into words

Them recently i watch a show that also stuck with me, the message was sort of life is pointless, its only through the act of living can you hope to find meaning , thats a really good quote hahaha

God i just got so much in my head this is like the tip of the iceberg

Yes this is a rant

Ranting about random stuff makes me feel better

Sigh

Honestly i prob need a therapist, my friend told me its like paying someone to be ur best friend i laughed but actually yeah its kinda true.

Sorry i sort pf ranted everywhere yeah maybe i need a diary . A colleague i worked with just told me it feels like i love her more than she loves me it really does feel that way sometimes

Honestly ive been pretending im ok with that but i want more

And i feel like ill always want more

I cant keep pretending that her small actions appear big in my head

Sometimes i have to guess her intentions and amplify it in my head to make it enough

Im tired, just so tired.

Shes an avoidant person so even small things are big to her but im the anxious type as you can see by this insanely long post lmao

Im tired of pretending im alright

I did my best i really did , so much so that rn i feel like crying if i really wasted all this effort for a broken heart

Shes taking a course rn so i wontndisturb her but i really gotta find a time and a place to discuss everything

Thanks if read till here this is a bit of an insane rant i know lol, i typed this over the course of like 10 hours when i had down time from work and stuff

Sigh, yeah thats all back to distracting myself from realitt i guess, that i am well and truly alone or at least will always feel that way

You know they say when your angry in a relationship,think of all the good things about someone instead of the bad

She pays attention to me when im down irl , when we met up everyday and ate together , she always made the effort to fold these little hearts.

Ill keep editing maybe ill find more reasons to stay.

Im thinking like recently when my cousin brought all their SO they started sharing why they liked each other

Few things sttod out to me firstly all of them seemed super comfortable with each other

Someone made a point aboht one of the couples in the honeymoon zone that what happens when all the surprises stop. The answer was complete silence lol.

I think im also griefing cuz i know all these fun things will stop

She cant always be with me

Srsly sigh idk my brain is tired

I unfortunately don’t have much advice compared to what others have already shared, but I would like to share with you a hotline that helps with relationships if that sounds like something that may interest you: https://www.loveisrespect.org

They are very helpful and listen to your relationship concerns 24/7

Hoping for the best.

2 Likes

Just thought ill update again sorta just journalling , after a lot of discussion with a lot of people and some internal reflection, im definitely at fault here. I am suffering from emotional dependency.

It took me a while but yes, i think the root of my anxiety and depression is emotional dependency. I feel the constant need to be acknowledged by people and become absolutely inept when im alone.

I am an emotionally dependent manchild, i think i need to tell myself that out loud and admit it

Im gonna try fix myself and really try this time, and if i cant i will seek help from a therapist, no more avoiding this.

Im gonna try journalling , maybe ill improve my penmanship too haha. Thats gonna be fun, i wanna do a bucket list.

I wasnt ready for a relationship after all, maybe i was looking for someone i can lean on, but i was wrong. Its not leaning on, its someone to walk alongside you while you work on urself.

I will be kind to myself.

3 Likes

You know what? I think im very human. I dont know what i have till i lose it. This will never stop being true.

My support network is around me rn , and its ok even if it temp.

This month has been a disaster for so many ppl in my life lmao

My younger cousin is also going through a breakup and shes coping with a lot of things, shes trying to fix her drinking which she used to cope, her younger sister is helping her. The sisterly love is cute

We decided to run together on weekends , and i think i like that even if our plans always last only a few months before one of us gives up lol

My older cousin laid out the bare cold hard facts and spoke to me with firmness yesterday and i respect him for it. Hes always had a tough childhood dealing with divorce of his parents and the lack of parental love in general. Im glad he turned out the way he did. He laid it out bare how emotionally manipulative and demanding ive been after reading my messages with her.

And i admit it, this situation was caused by me, i kept dumping my emotions on her and she snapped. I broke the camels back so to speak.

I had a friend who called me today cuz she got sacked, and i talked her ear off about my issues, honestly shes one of my fav ppl to catch up with, attached tho so yea space, shes my oldest friend and shes always there to listen.

I think i havent been kind to myself ever, or maybe if i did, its a long time ago, i keep saying i dont have friends but i do. I just dont bother to put in the effort and whine about it.

As for the gf, I think Im open to whatever choice she makes. She hasnt responded to my text for 5 days now and the straw that finally broke the camels back was me saying that and i thought she would be more caring.

I am so emotionally dependant i couldnt see last myself in this relationship, there was no we , only me.

I was keeping score and hoping i get something back

I didnt show enough care

I took the advice of my older cousin and sent her a sincere apology for my actions and now im giving her space.

So many times in this few days i wanted to call her or go over and see her, my cousin told me that its incredibly selfish of me to do that.

And yeah i guess it is, its the emotional dependency talking and yeah im glad i have someone to consult in case i relapse

I hope i can fight back all this. I did something bad to cope today , i went to her tik tok just to hear her voice and see her face to cope. Kinda red flaggy lmao.

The rest is up to her, i apologised sincerely and i will give her the space, its the least i could do rn. She deserves her own time and space

And if im ever so lucky to get her back, well no promises , no empty hopes.

Yea, giving her space is the right way , my emotions are my problem not hers

Ok, time to get a good rest

I’m so happy to hear that you’re going to attempt to get into touch with a therapist and attempt journaling. Just so you’re aware, you can always talk to a crisis counselor as well. It does not have to be crisis related, and some hotlines you can even text. I’ve been using it quite a bit myself because I’m going through some similar issues as you are. They are very helpful and provide many resources when need be.

I totally get it, wanting constant validation. It’s definitely harmful in the long run…

My therapist gave me this resource for mental health journaling: How to keep a mental health journal - MHA Screening

Wishing you the best. Definitely get that bucket list in there. <3