Sigh, this is gonna be a bit of a rant about my love life.
Firstly im def having tension headaches rn thanks to the depression im feeling. Trying to control my emotions is sorta killing me too haha, these eyes are constantly watery
Where to start. My SO and I were working the same job till 3 days back. She resigned recently. I very reluctantly made my peace with that. Everyone takes tgeir own path yeah? But an issue i anticipated even before she resigned came up. Since the beginning of this relationship, we’ve had a constant issue.
I prefer phone calls she prefers text messages , its been the source of multiple arguments. Think it was around week 3, we tried to compromise voice messages and we did it worked.
There were a couple of incidents of our schedules mot syncing up taking sick leave for example. And ofc i felt neglected again and started engaging .
You know i started to realise this everytime i start to talk about my feelings about the situation, she always starts to get super defensive and starts blaming herself instead of listening to the solutions i propose.
Ive tried multiple ways to deal with this, ive tried to listen instead of talking, comforting instead of insisiting, understanding instead of blaming. It doesnt work , once she turtles up , the only thing shes intrested in is blaming herself.
There were even instances where i had to keep telling here im not angry anymore but she kept insidting i am and in the end inreally got mad… cuz someone keeps being annoying.
Sigh sorry that was a tangent , anyway a lot of issues , but back to the main topic, i knew we were bound for a communication breakdown. Just reading back the messages weve been fighting for 4 days now lol.
I dont even know where to begin. Well the main thing is the this . I told her im stil dealing with not seeing her daily , that i wish she would call . And she did , which im grateful for honestly, its just the way she handled that phone call made me feel so unwanted and worthless.
She called and the first thing she says okay i called you ald , bye. … im not sure about you guys but that sentence alone made me feel like i forced her to call me that im actually some worthless piece of burden she wants to deal with and not bother after, like an annoying
errand u gotta run cuz ur mother is nagging . Srsly annoyed.
I responded after she called me that the phone call sounded unwilling and then we started arguing , ill summarize a bit
I called her again to show her what i meant by phone call, just asking simple questions like hows ur day have u eaten hows ur mother these kinda simple questions.
Then she started to tell me oh phone calls drain her and stress her out, even taking 5 mins to talk depresses her. Sigh, so i started telling her its not the length lf the call , its the quality. If i can make you feel like i care ,thats all is needed.
She said she has ald taken a step back just by calling me to leave me that msg hi, okay i call u ald, bye.
Fuuuuu, the more i type that the more mad i get, srsly . In what universe does that show you care about someone
[02/01, 13:35] Me: But I can tell you that if ur purpose is to cheer me up I need it to be quality
[02/01, 13:36] 恋しい: Its always out of my means
[02/01, 13:36] 恋しい: And i already made effort
[02/01, 13:36] Me: I see it
[02/01, 13:36] 恋しい: Even hi bye to me needs effort
[02/01, 13:36] Me: It just doesn’t work for me
[02/01, 13:37] Me: Let’s work on it okay?
[02/01, 13:37] 恋しい: I already take a step back to call n hi bye you
[02/01, 13:37] 恋しい:
[02/01, 13:43] Me: Sigh
[02/01, 13:44] Me: I’m just saying
[02/01, 13:44] Me: I understand u compromised
[02/01, 13:44] 恋しい: You saying i can’t understand you
[02/01, 13:45] Me: It’s not that you can understand
[02/01, 13:45] Me: Can’t
[02/01, 13:45] Me: It’s more that I need quality phone time
[02/01, 13:45] Me: If I’m not by you
[02/01, 13:47] 恋しい: I got calllkkk you
[02/01, 13:48] Me: How abt this let’s bargain
[02/01, 13:49] Me: I think for me 2 calls a day 1 morning 1 night 5 mins each just share our day
[02/01, 13:49] Me: Now u haggle me down
[02/01, 13:49] 恋しい: I got call you
[02/01, 13:49] 恋しい:
[02/01, 13:49] Me: I’m not saying u didnt
[02/01, 13:49] 恋しい: Even its hi bye i still callled
[02/01, 13:50] Me: Yes you did
[02/01, 13:50] Me: Can we plan for fhe future instead?
[02/01, 13:55] 恋しい: Its kk. Everything i did is always not enough
[02/01, 14:02] Me: I’m ok with it
[02/01, 14:02] Me: As long as we try to move foward
[02/01, 14:03] Me: So twice a day 5 mins each , that’s a no?
[02/01, 14:04] 恋しい: Then you will say not enough also
[02/01, 14:04] Me: If we agree upon it I’m ok
[02/01, 14:04] Me: Like the voice message thing
[02/01, 14:05] Me: But I know what I need
[02/01, 14:05] 恋しい: Its draining to me…
[02/01, 14:05] Me: Okay then suggestions
[02/01, 14:05] 恋しい: I got call you leh
[02/01, 14:05] 恋しい: But you cannot
[02/01, 14:05] 恋しい: So call you, cannot
[02/01, 14:06] Me: Yes but will you do that in the future with no promt
[02/01, 14:06] 恋しい: Message you cannot
[02/01, 14:06] 恋しい: Then how
[02/01, 14:07] 恋しい: Sighs
[02/01, 14:07] Me: I did tell you how
[02/01, 14:07] Me: Instead of hi bye
[02/01, 14:07] Me: Just ask me how I am
[02/01, 14:07] Me: I can do the rest
[02/01, 14:07] 恋しい: And i told you hi bye is draining enough for me
[02/01, 14:08] 恋しい:
[02/01, 14:09] 恋しい: The point is
[02/01, 14:09] 恋しい: I got call you when you wanted it
[02/01, 14:09] Me: You have to understand why I refuse to accept
[02/01, 14:09] Me: It’s not cuz of stubbornness
[02/01, 14:09] Me: Or cuz I want to
[02/01, 14:09] Me: It’s cause those kinda phone calls make me feel worse
[02/01, 14:14] 恋しい: So yea
[02/01, 14:14] 恋しい: I need to go in depress mood to make you happy then
[02/01, 14:16] 恋しい: I already step back and gave you a call
[02/01, 14:17] 恋しい: You dislike it what
[02/01, 14:18] Me: I’ve a question, what do you think having a partner is for?
[02/01, 14:19] 恋しい: For me its just companionship
[02/01, 14:19] 恋しい: For you otherwise
[02/01, 14:19] Me: For me it’s someone I can share my troubles with , be it small or big , we go through it together
[02/01, 14:20] Me: I need someone I can share stuff with daily
[02/01, 14:20] 恋しい: Message can do the same thing
[02/01, 14:21] Me: It’s not
[02/01, 14:21] Me: I need to open my mouth and talk to a listening ear
[02/01, 14:22] 恋しい: So by the end of it, i need to voice call you and felt drain n depressed just to make you happy
This goes on for some time , not gonna post all of it, but in the intrest of saving time and full disclosure , im posting that, sigh honestly , idk , i guess my main question here is AITA(Am i the asshole)?
Is it wrong for me to have needs? Am i too persistent ? What can i even do better?
Sigh adding on to my anxiety is now the depression of feeling like im the asshole in this relationship and just a whole lot of other things in life rn.
Honestly just typing here makes me feel more heard rn , isnt that just kinda sad hahahaha
Anyway in the end i continued bargaining down to two voice messages a day just asking me how i am thats all
I really dont think thats unreasonable , considering that im used to phone calls, i tried to compromise
Then she said shes tired shes going to sleep… i told her i assume she will consider it
Today i told her i feel like killing myself , she just told me to go to work.
You ever feel like ur not being heard , cuz thats what im feeling rn.
I just want the pain the turmoil to stop .
Just done with life.
And nvm idk idc
My only solace is rn im at work, so a lot of distraction rn
Miao
Im not sure how she will feel about me sharing like this, but im sorta outta avenues to share . I did tell her if she doesnt want to listen , ill find others who will
Typing doesnt help me fully , but if even just for a tiny while i feel better , maybe it works
Im not asking for heaven and earth here. Just 2 voicenmessages , i tried to compromise ald . The rest of it im trying to handle myself.
Ok gotta stop, starting to cry at work lol
Okay , bye