Ranting about my intrusive thoughts

[itsnotoveryet]

Im back in the anxiety hole…gotta hold back on the caffiene but i need it for work. I get triggered for shit that doesnt matter. Why does it bother me when my brother makes an inappropriate reference or joke to his fiancee? Like i get uncomfortable. Im not going discuss that either, i know its my fucking intrusive thoughts at it again. Ive had violent intrusive thought, disturbing uncomfortable sexual ones, just all the horrible things. I wish it could all stop.
I was doing so good, as good as i can be. I could cry it off to sleep and get over it atleast. Now its sticking to me like it used to. I hate it so fucking much. I just wish i could not give a shit. Everything sucks. Cant focus, exhausted from work loaded with intrusive thoughts in my head. More panic attacks. Fucking great.

Just a rant, I’m sorry.

[itsnotoveryet]

It’s funny, now all the violent thoughts are rushing in. I predict it’s coming but I cant stop it. Mental illness stinks, especially when you can’t afford to get help.

[Micro]

Hey friend,

It’s good to see you – although I’m so sorry that these thoughts are overwhelming you right now. Given what you have shared here and in your other post, it is obvious that you are going through some pretty stressful times right now, and in such circumstances it makes sense for your anxiety to act out. My own experience with intrusive thoughts is very small but I did experience violent thoughts at times that scared me and were all oriented towards the fear of being potentially some kind of monster one day. It’s not your fault. As you’ve said, it’s intrusive thought sand not something you choose. The good thing by being aware of it, including when it’s likely to happen, is that you are aware that this is a symptom. Even when it’s rushing in intensely, it doesn’t reflect your heart, your desires nor who you are. It’s the symptom of a type of distress, something that has its roots somewhere else than just your mind, and having these thoughts is an immediate way for your mind to cope – even if it feels like it adds more struggle to the struggle.

Do you manage to put these thoughts somewhere? A personal journal for example? I imagine that it can be scary to make them appear “physically” in some way, and quite difficult to literally “face” them, but the more you manage to not just think but also see them, the more you will help yourself create this distance that you need. Writing especially, puts us in this observer position that can be extremely precious when it feels like our thoughts are out of our control. You have been taking that step by posting here already, even if not in full details. You are not just having these thoughts, you are also talking about them, looking at them from above, sensing why it’s here and seeing that it is not you.

Again I am so sorry that you are struggling with this right now. You may not have access immediately to professional help, but there might be some good resources online to look at, or even great grounding types of videos to soothe your mind during times of high turbulence. Things like brown noise to listen to, for example, can really help ease the flood of thoughts (at least, for mild anxiety, but that could be worth trying anyway).

It must feel very lonely to deal with this, but I want you to know that we are here with you and you are loved through any of these struggles. You’re not a monster, you’re not a freak, you’re not broken. Your mind is just trying to find ways to cope right now, and sometimes the only way it got is to keep itself busy and at high intensity.

I hope you managed to breathe and rest after your posts here. Keep us updated, if that is okay for you of course. You are loved.

[Aardvark]

Hi Friend,
thank you so much for sharing with us.
it bothers you because you care. you don’t like it. i know it does not matter afterwards, but you are still
thinking about it. i use to overthink a lot, actions from myself, from others, comments, work, so much.
that it leads to such violent toughts and makes you feel umcomfortable, i feel sorry for you.
if you don’t vent or reach out, you carry those and it will get to much. so here you can always post.
what you let out, is out. everything matters. speaking helps and that is not a cliche.
maybe you have considered some kind of a self help group in your area ? it helps to share, hear others and
spend time with others. this might help you.
Yes it sucks, yes it is hard. but not forever. you will overcome this and get stronger. give yourself some
self care, do things that you like, spend time with your loved ones.

I hope so much for you that it will get better and wish you a nice day, feel hugged, you matter.
Greetings

[ManekiNeko]

Hey there, just checking in on you. Intrusive thoughts can be so hard to be rid of, I don’t personally experience violent intrusive thoughts, so I imagine it’s terrifying when they appear.
You mentioned ignoring them in the past and being able to sleep it off, but did that somehow still stick in the back of your mind? Sometimes the more we try to suppress something, the more it seems to come to mind.

It’s good to remember these thoughts for what they are, just thoughts. And as micro said perhaps writing these thoughts down somewhere to get them out of your head may be helpful. If you’re not ready to talk to a professional, at least it could help take some of the burden from your mind.

I really like the anxiety guy. He has a video on intrusive thoughts and the first good half or so of it is him talking about what they are ect, and then from around the 8 minute mark he shares some good ideas to help combate those moments. I’ll link it below just in case you’re interested. And it’s okay if you’re not.
Take care

How To Stop Intrusive Thoughts And Anxiety (TAKE BACK YOUR POWER!)

[itsnotoveryet]

Gosh, I ran away and regretted posting this, thank you so much everyone you’re all too sweet, I am so very grateful.

@Micro , Thank you so much. Its nice to see you. I’m sorry that you’ve had your own share of intrusive thoughts, they’re not very fun to have. I honestly dont have a proper healthy way to put all these thoughts down, I am off and on with journaling.

Because of how repetitive and unending it feels, I always end up letting it go. I tend to try to tell them to my boyfriend as soon as I can tell its bothering me and he’ll usually bring me back to reality and clear my head, I don’t always do it became I try to sort these things out on my own without him worrying.

It gets lonely, it hurts, and at my worst it’s hard not to feel broken, but I’m trying my best. I hope to be as much as a beacon as you and many others here are, you are truly a life saver. Again, thank you so much.

@Aardvark , thank you so much tor taking the time to respond. You are right that I do care, and pushing these things away make it all worse. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I have considered any form of help, unfortunately I have no way to get there on my own, I will definitely take any more steps I can for myself when I have my own car, which I’m working on.

I feel more than hugged, thank you again, it means a lot.

@ManekiNeko , Hello, thank you for checking in, it really means more than you think. I would say intrusive thoughts are uncomfortable thoughts that get worse the more it makes you uncomfortable, until I fizzle out from stress. I’ve got a bad habit of throwing and sleeping concerns off, and you’re right that it definitely comes to mind more often as much as its thrown off.

I’ll try writing again, it really doesn’t hurt to try, I feel like I just don’t enjoy how repetitive it starts to look after awhile. Like “Wow I’ve had a panic attack over the same thing 3 times in the last 5 months!” Y’know? But I’ll definitely try it out again.

I’ll have a look at the video, thank you so much for reaching out and sharing this with me, I appreciate it very much.

Thank you so much and take care everyone

[ManekiNeko]

You’re totally right that it can feel just like a repetitive loop sometimes.
It’s hard to keep going through the process when it feels like you’re waiting for the same thoughts and feelings to flood back.
I do hope it has been getting easier for you. Thanks for checking in and letting us know how you’re going