hello everyone,
i havent posted in ages because i havent really needed to which is a positive thing.
4 months ago i was raped by my ex boyfriend, on his bed at night while i was incredibly drunk. i told him to stop from what i remember and he said i was fine, its all unclear to me but somewhere in my body i know i was violated and i remember saying those words to him.
sometimes im not sure if it was rape, and i think maybe i did want it maybe its other feelings mixing.
i know these are flase thoughts but i cant heelp but doubt myself.
alongside my doubts i also have others thoughts that are guilty and selfish as in “other women/girls have had to deal with a lot worse, i wasnt phyiscally abused, i knew the boy”
i know these are stupid but i cant help it.every now and then i just smell is cologne, sometimes i get urges to see him. take in mind this is also the guy i lost my virginity to so very messed up emotions and feeling are in my head. i didnt really process that he raped me until 2 months ago when i told my psychologist. then things started to go around in my had, because i was actually thinking about it. before than it had barely crossed my mind. some of my friends know but i dont think i will ever tell my parents. it sucks that i can never change what happened to me or make it a case or just let people know what a disgusting human being he is.
i dont technically remember the night but feel 100% violated and when someone says his name i feel so sick. i know something happened but i find myself feeling guilty if i call it rape. it doesnt usually bother me and i feel as though maybe i should react differently, have suicidal thoughts, dye my hair, just be different but barely anything has changed and i dont know why.
thank u if u made it this far, i appreciate all of u <3
Thanks for sharing and it takes a lot of courage to share this. If you feel that you were violated, I believe you and it doesn’t matter if you were drunk, anytime someone does this to another it’s wrong. When this happens to creates a lot of complex thoughts in general but don’t feel guilty or selfish thinking others have had it worse. Other folks circumstances shouldn’t lessen how we feel about things we go through. We as a community care about you and want to be here to help in anyway we can. I think it’s good your talking with with a psychologist, hopefully they provided some resources as well that can be of help to you. In general the rainn organiziation has different things that may be helpful https://centers.rainn.org/ . We believe you and are here for you.
I was raped by my husband while I was asleep. It resulted in the pregnancy of my youngest daughter. My husband never accepted that he was regularly raping me by making sure I was out cold before he approached me sexually without permission. I don’t want to go into more details than that. It still took me years to leave him. Even when I did- I delayed the divorce because of this misplaced need I had for him to at least apologize or acknowledge my pain. I can say that once this happens, both of you will never be the same. Each consensual act after is different. You are dehumanized. Because it’s the only way he can look in the mirror. And you see yourself as worthless, because you’ve internalized that it didn’t matter to him at all what you wanted or what you were going through. I feel your pain. You aren’t wrong to feel violated. I hope you get out of your relationship, but I know for me- I wasn’t prepared to leave initially either. It took my oldest daughter witnessing him doing it to me that I started to take the steps. If I didn’t care enough for myself- I did know that I didn’t want her internalizing this relationship as normal. We are here for you. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m still not out the other side. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. YOU MATTER. YOU DESERVE to be touched when, where and how YOU WANT. Period. Hugs and love.
I get what you’re going through. My ex sexually assaulted me and I didn’t come to terms with this until like a year or more after it happened. Something that my therapist told me was that it doesn’t really matter if it’s called rape or assault by the law, but if you feel violated (as I did), then your trauma is valid. I hope you can work through your emotions and learn how to cope with your triggers. It will take a long time so be patient with yourself.
i am so sorry. no one deserves to go through something that terrible and its disgusting that all these . scenarios are quite common. i believe in you, you will get through this, yes it will always stay with you but you can get to the other less toxic side. thank you for all this. i appreciate it and i hope you know how much you matter and how much you deserve. lots of love, thinking of you, i hope you are feeling as good as you can feel after all this shit. <3
Reading your post gave me chills because it felt like you were describing my own experience in dealing with the aftermath of rape. I also questioned myself and wondered if it was somehow my fault. I was drinking and I was only 17, and for a long time I just thought I had a “one night stand.” It took years to come to terms / comprehend the fact that it was not consensual. And it also took years of drinking to recognize that I was not just drunk that night (I think something was put in my drink). I couldn’t remember very large chunks of the evening, I do remember not being able to speak, and I remember not feeling anything physically whenever I did gain consciousness. It’s hard to figure out what happened to you when you are missing so much information. It can be really painful and I’m sorry you had to deal with that emotional and psychological weight. Also like you, I compared my situation to others to convince myself “it could have been worse.” It makes me so incredibly angry and sad that there are so many people who experience such similar pain. I want you to know that you are not alone, and I understand and believe you. This was not your fault, no matter how much that doubting voice in your head tries to tell you otherwise. It’s so unfair. But I am glad you are here and thank you for sharing your story because it also made me feel less alone. Stay strong, you are amazing and thank you for sharing.
Hey I’m really sorry that this happened to you but know what happened to you isn’t your fault, that guy is a scumbag, and we are all here and support you.
And yeah our culture had a really fucked up idea that a victim of sexual violence has to respond in a particular way. It’s bullshit: whatever way you respond to this is perfectly valid. It’s your reaction: no one else’s. So you do whatever you have to do to get back to a place where you can function and be happy. And if you’re there already, that’s fine too. There is no prescribed way to react to something like this and there shouldn’t be.
And yeah would like to confirm that what happened to you was definitely rape. Statistically, a vast majority of rapes are done by people that know their victim and their victim trusts. So, regardless on what your prior relationship was, this was definitely rape. And the way you want to handle it entirely up to you.
Hey, I know exactly what you mean and are feeling. I was raped in 2006 by my best friend who I had grown up with since we were 5 while his girlfriend watched. I was drunk, but I wasn’t “acting drunk”, meaning it was the first time I ever drank alcohol and I didn’t know what it was like. When I described it to my family and the police they said what I was feeling wasn’t being drunk and it seemed I was given something in my drink. I had said no. I went to another room and they followed me. About a year ago, I recalled when I went into that other room they gave me another drink while I was trying to go to sleep and said “here, this will make you feel better”. Then they said I should lay down and brought me to a room upstairs which is when I started feeling really bad. It took a very long time for me to say that I was raped even though the police and D.A. said I was. I didn’t feel right saying it because I wasn’t in an alley or brutally beat into submission. But the fact is I was and you were and the other women here were put into submission. No one has the right to do anything they want to you. They need your permission. It doesn’t matter if it’s a stranger or your husband/significant other. You are in charge of what happens to your body. I always had that doubt even after 13 years. In a way it’s your mind trying to move on. Sometimes our minds and bodies do things to survive. Like frostbite. Your body shuts down your limbs in order to save your organs. So our minds can shut out memories to let the rest of our mind survive. I also have struggled with knowing who the person who raped me was my entire life and knowing what he was after that night. I struggle with it. He was in my entire childhood, we walked together for graduation. I had to remove a huge part of my life in order to heal and survive. It’s not easy. But your value is so much more and you’re going to find someone who will lay down their life to protect you from something like that happening and it’ll be worth the wait. Protect yourself and stay safe.
First of I wanna say that you really should never think “Oh someone else has had worse”. What happened to you is terrible. People often get taken advantage of when they’re drunk, because when you’re intoxicated, it’s harder to stand your ground. He totally took advantage of your state, especially since you can’t remember a lot from it.
I agree with that. Another’s pain doesn’t invalidate yours. Whether its a stab or a bullet wound: it doesn’t matter since both of y’all are getting treatment
but know what happened to you isn’t your fault, that guy is a scumbag, and we are all here and support you.
