I was encouraged to post this on here… and reminded that this is what the HS community is all about. I am grateful for you all. And I’ll apologize in advance because I’m not used to writing/using so many ‘I’s.
I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel incredibly defeated. I want to scream on top of my lungs and shut the whole world off at the same time - because my friend took his life on Tuesday night. All I can think about is how alone, how scared and how much he was hurting. Because up until the phone call I received yesterday morning telling me he was gone, I had no idea. Yes, he lived across the country for the past 4 years - Yes, I knew he struggled with substance abuse in the past, but how did I miss this??? And why the hell didn’t he reach out for help?! I wish he found HS.
HE was the one to poke you and come out with something completely inappropriate and insanely funny when he saw you pained. HE went above and beyond to make people laugh. HE loved tremendously. What I would give to be with him in his darkness… just to tell him that he was such a crucial part in our lives. That this wasn’t how his story ends. That we needed him. That he was going to be an amazing husband and father one day. Even with all the distraction around me (children, work, chaos) this is consuming me with such a wretched mix of emotions.
I can’t fix this, but I can tell you, you are not alone.
A good friend of mine took his life Saturday night. He sounds exactly like what you described your friend to be like.
I did try to reach out to him when I saw he that was hurting, but learned the next day that I was just minutes too late.
We can’t fix this. We can’t change what they chose. The best we can do is remember them fondly, celebrate their lives, and try to live with kindness the way they did.
Sending love. I’m here if you want to talk.
Hi, Shay.
I’m absolutely sorry about the loss of your friend, the pain of losing someone is incredibly traumatic and heartbreaking and I really do wish the best for you. That being said, please do not feel blamed for his death in any way, because in the end it just was not something you could predict. This was not your fault, you did nothing wrong, and unfortunately you can’t change what happened, but you can at least remember. You can remember the positive impact he gave you while alive and you can at least spread that same positivity in his memory. But before anything else, make sure you take care of yourself, make sure you let out your emotions in a healthy, positive way and please make sure that you personally get through this.
Again, I’m very sorry that something so horrible happened to you and I honestly do hope you feel better. I wish you the best. 
@SteadfastShay, I’m so sorry about your friend. He will be missed.
It’s okay, you can’t expect yourself to be strong all the time. It hurts, yes, but I BELIEVE IN YOU.
You can do this. You’re stronger than you know.
The Void by Andy Black