Hi I’m an 19yo from Morocco and I got dragged to smoking weed back in 2019 and I enjoyed for a couple of months, until one day back in May 2019 I was with a friend and we smoked outside at night in a sketchy place and I remember inhaling a higher than usual quantity of weed, after I finished smoking I decided to walk back home in a dark silent street where the only thing I was hearing was a cricket sound, after a couple of meters away my heart started racing and my eyes started to turn in some symmetric rhombus pattern and I started biting my nails and putting my hands on my face subconsciously , I disconnected from reality and I felt like I was an alien I didn’t know what was going on nor who I am nor where was I and everything lost meaning, my consciousness went back from a couple of seconds then went away again , when my consciousness got back a mountain of questions rushed my mind (where am I , what am I , where was I, is what happening really happening) and I started to run as fast as I could towards my home after a hundred meters or so I was about to faint and it felt like my heart was going to fail , when the consciousness got back for the second time I believed that I was gone insane and my life was basically over and I regretted every decision I did in my life, my consciousness went away again and I started walking towards my home like if I was set on autopilot only that thoughts were racing my brain and it felt like I was losing memory every 1 second, I finally got home , I entered my mom’s room and I was staring at her and my aunt with a white face saying (I need to sleep), mom thought I lost my mind so she took me to another room and grabbed a blanket and made me lay down and I started shaking and my whole body and brain hurt me real bad , my aunt started asking me what happened I was telling her a little bit of the story every time my consciousness was back, I was on autopilot for 90% of the time and only for a short period my consciousness would go back and I was telling her during that period , after an hour or so I told her everything, and she started comforting me and telling me that it’s the just the weed and that I haven’t lost my mind and that that feeling would go away shortly, my heart stopped racing and I started to feel a tiny bit relieved , I tried to sleep but I couldn’t it felt like I was trapped in my own mind and thoughts, it was a terrible experience, I slept and the next day I started to feel a bit better and I started to gain my consciousness and control back to some extent and I started to recover emotionally from the accident.
I recovered in the next couple of days and I thought that whatever happened happened because the weed being mixed with something else
I resumed smoking weed shortly after, my grandma passed away in January 2020 and derealization started to appear a little bit but nothing concerning I thought that I was derealizing a bit because of my grandma passing away, anyways a couple of days after grandma’s death a friend invited me to smoke weed and of course I joined , it was a dark night we went to a sketchy empty place and we started smoking and for the second time I made the same mistake I inhaled more than usual again we walked for a couple of meters and I started to feel really high , for a second it felt like that I started to understand the meaning of life my heart felt a little bit weird after that happened we walked again for a couple of meters and a couple of guys called us , I got scared I thought they were thieves my heart started racing and I started to stare at one of the guys that were walking towards us and it felt like I knew him but I didn’t know him at the same time, his face looked familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, seconds after the guys left I started to relive and reexperience what happened back in May 2019 , consciousness would go away for minutes and go back for seconds back and forth , I took the chance when I was conscious and asked my friend to stay over at his place for the night because I couldn’t go back home and let my family see me like that again , my friend already knew about my first bad trip so he tried to calm me down and comfort me but it didn’t work I was telling him “ I need to sleep, lets go to your place”, on our way back I couldn’t walk too close to the road because cars were scaring me and it felt like I was going to be hit my a car any minute ,minutes after walking that felt like years for me we got to his place and I tried to sleep and it was really really hard for me to sleep but at least I felt a little bit safe, hours later I slept and woke up early the next morning and got back home, I kind of didn’t recover that good for this time the derealization was kicking in every now and then but nothing concerning I thought that it might be an aftermath of my grandma’s death, I stopped smoking weed for good this time . a month later in February I was playing videogames with my crush online and I asked her a question and her answer was a bit disappointing , the feeling of disappointment reminded me of the bad trip , it felt exactly like the same feeling of the disappointment I had about my life during the bad trip, It might have been the emotional shock after I heard the disappointing answer , I had a panic attack and I rushed to sleep, the next day I felt a bit better, a week after it I was calling at night with the same girl and I asked for a relationship and she said no and it happened again and I rushed to sleep again , the next day I felt normal to some extent,
A couple of days later we were calling again and we went quiet for a couple of minutes and I started to fall asleep and she suddenly yelled my name , guess what happened ? my eyes started to move the same way it was moving in the bad trip and they were being fixed in the same angle it was being fixed during the bad trip and I thoughts started rushing my mind and it felt like I was dreaming , I don’t remember what happened afterwards I think I slept and the next day I didn’t feel any better I was feeling like if I was high and like if I was dreaming I was derealizing very hard nothing felt real it felt like I was really dreaming I was feeling alien to my self and I started to dissociate every now and then and the feeling didn’t stop for months. To this day its been almost 6 months now everyday when I’m about to sleep I tell my self “it will end soon maybe tomorrow” it feels like I’m still in the bad trip , my consciousness keeps suddenly kicking in and I start panicking and when I panic my eyes starts to follow symmetric shapes and I start feeling dizzy and my decisions and thoughts feel like they are not mine I’m really tired I was suffering from depression and anxiety for years and after this life just got a thousand times harder , I unfortunately can not afford therapy and I can not tell my parents , I’m really lost and I don’t know what to do , I keep my self distracted all day and all night by playing video games by day, and watching videos on YouTube by night until I fall asleep .
I used to take a medication which is “Curracne” its for acne and it contains “isotretinoin” which I read that it might have negative mental side effects and that it might cause psychosis and other mental illnesses so I stopped taking it shortly after
I all of sudden start to feel that im waking up from the trip the same way I felt before but the feeling goes away quickly and I also start to realize whats going on but It just feels like that I cannot accept whatever is going on and It stops and I keep getting flashbacks of the trip and I keep hallucinating .
I’ve been coping this way for the last 6 months but no improvement noticed, the acute panic attacks decreased a little bit but everything else is still there, the other day I had to do something outside and I was walking during the morning and I started to hear the cricket sound I started to panic and I started to derealize and feel very very weird ,I got back home asap.
I am sorry for the long text and the terrible English and I hope I can get some answers from you guys
Thank you very much