Its been a rough few days. I’m trying to stay active and practice gratitude as much as I can. I’m taking my medication everyday but I just can’t seem to pull it together and I feel like I’m reaching my tipping point and i don’t know what to do. I spend a great amount of my time in an OR setting working on human cadavers, my work shift is 12 hours+ a day and today it is messing with me in a major way. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts off and on for most of my life but I’ve always been able to lean into my work as a means of distraction. I had a session with my therapist a few days ago and I left the conversation feeling so discouraged. Not their fault, for all my own messed up reasons. I try to steer clear of conversations around thoughts of suicide because I’m afraid of being sent to the hospital and have some issues around bodily autonomy. I also feel a sense of shame for feeling the way I do and dislike feeling vulnerable. I feel I don’t really have the language to express my emotions because for so long I have been avoiding them and grew up feeling that a show of emotion was weakness, aside from the fact that there was no one around to acknowledge it anyway. I know it sounds like a complete cop out, but I am just so disconnected from my feelings most of the time. I could sense some frustration on my therapist part, and rightly so, because I am suicidal but its difficult for me to put into words how bad it is and she’s having to help me without knowing the severity. I’m not meaning to make anyone’s job hard. Then I felt a sense of panic, because Ive beein in therapy for over a year and I am still struggling and i felt that the person in my life who is most likely to help me is so frustrated with my lack of progress that I could lose that relationship all together, then what? I am looking for reasons everyday to have hope and I am not finding it anymore. There used to be things I cared about and had a passion for, but I don’t have that anymore. I have work, but now being around the bodies while I am feeling like this is too much. I don’t know what to do. If I got to the ED I wil not only be feeling wortless, but also guilt, people there are people there who are sick and afraid and wanting life and I’m just there taking up space. I feel so alone its hard to take.
You can’t control you emotions and it okay to feel weak at times. I was thinking killing myself on Friday and even gave my friend a suicide note. It gotten so dark, but was litter over a agruement with mom at a password. It good you try fight it and taking it seriously. It seem your working a lot. If you can take a day off or at least a couple hour for you self. Even just watching stupid stuff on YouTube. I say try coping techniques like washing your face with cold water. Or squeeze something like soft ball. Don’t be Shame to admit your weakness. Stay strong my friend.
Hi friend - I am so sorry you are going through this really low time. Thank you for posting here about it. I can relate to the feeling of not being able to express how bad things are sometimes because it seems like people either understand the darkness that overtakes us sometimes, or they don’t really. I don’t know that there is an in-between.
I am glad to hear you are taking your medication every day. Do you think what you are going through is either being triggered by progress you may be making in therapy (at some point it always stirs up tough stuff and can send you very low) and / or do you think you need your medication increased at all? Those may be things you want to talk with your doctor / therapist about.
Did this person say this? I’m just asking because sometimes in our low points we can project that other people are thinking negative things about us, but maybe they are not at all. And like I said above, you may be making progress but just not really be able to see it yet because sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.
Please keep going, please keep trying, please don’t give you on yourself. I know the horrible pain of depression and suicidal thoughts. (I am going through a rough spell myself right now.) And while (in my experience) it never truly leaves us forever, we do get stronger and better able to handle the brutal times.
Please hold fast. Thinking of you. Eve
Thanks for the response. I’m sorry you have bee feeling that way as well. My schedule works out that I get three to four day off consecutively, I am in healthcare so those are pretty standard hours. But you are probably right, taking some time off might help. I haven’t tried washing my face with cold water as a grounding technique, I’ll have to try it-Thank you. I appreciate the advice you’ve given. You stay strong as well and take good care of you.
Hi there, thank you for your response. I don’t feel at all triggered, I just go through periods of very low moods. Sometimes it gets bad like this and I can pull myself out, this time I am struggling and I don’t know why. I went into the session hopeful, I had experienced some wins at work and shared them. But then she starts suicide screening and I am unsure of what to say. I feel exposed. Am I suicidal? Yes. Do I have a means? Yes. Plan? I expressed that I am unsure how to answer because it’s not like I’ve written it on a calendar and circled “Suicide on Tuesday,” but there are mornings I wake up and think maybe today but I actively look for busy work and try to pull myself out of that thinking. I know the longer I dwell on it, the more it feeds itself-for me, atleast. Some days are worse than others, ya know? I say all those things, but then she asks me to describe the emotion behind that thinking. I have no idea where to even start with that. Like, does there need to be a recent event that triggered it? I felt so confused. Yes, I have reasons to live-my kids. But I also have reasons I don’t want to continue and sometimes they seem to outweigh the reasons to stay. She did not directly say that she was frustrated, it was her tone and the direction the conversation went. She shared that what she needed was to know that I am safe and that if I feel unsafe I will begin the steps outlined in the action plan-completely fair and me not being able to discuss the severity of my feelings made things feel unsafe. She said she couldn’t “work like that.” I had no idea what that meant. I think it could be true that I was projecting, but at the time I didn’t think to ask for clarification. I hope I am making progress, its just coming back to these lows year after year is hard. Sorry for the rant.
I am sorry you’re going through a difficult time right now. I hope that you have a support system in place that works for you. I’m hoping my mood improves, if not, I am considering calling the crisis counselor tomorrow. Thank you again.
Thinking of you and wondering how you are doing today. I hope today is a better day for you.
I
I can really relate to this. I think for many of us, feeling suicidal is woven into daily life. And so while the feeling is dangerous, yes, not acting on it is really what people who are concerned should be asking us. Like, the suicidal part is a given. And for some of us it’s a shadow that’s always there.
I went for a walk the other day - out of nowhere desperately thought how lovely and freeing it would be to be hit by a car and killed. Was not expecting to have that sudden urge to die. Like freedom, finally. Scary yes, but the real point to it for me is that I didn’t act on it. I didn’t step in front of a car. I just kept walking.
Each day you carry through and don’t take any steps toward harming yourself is a triumph. It’s ok to say yes I am suicidal, but hey - I’m still here right? Some days, every breath we take should count as a point on the scoreboard for winning against darker thoughts. The people in your life who care might be wise to recognize how strong you are to face the moment by moment struggle and still choose to keep living.
hope today is better for you. Where I am, the sun is shining and that at least is something. - Eve
Thank you so much for reaching out. I really appreciate it.
All of what you’ve just said mirrors where I am right now. I have been struggling but having a hard time reaching out because I feel somewhat weak for needing the help and maybe like I would be taking up resources needed for people in a more fragile state than I am in? I worried that if I am not open about my suicidal feelings that I will end up in the hospital with my husband and family finding out the poor state of my mental health. You are so right. It is woven into daily life, and every day I wake up feels like a small win, even though I know it will be hell getting through the rest of the day and I will more than likely spend the bulk of it talking myself down from one moment to the next. Are you in counseling? Would you mind sharing what thoughts get you through the moments and prevent you from acting? No one knows the head-space I’m in. My husband knows about the depression due to my hospitalization, but I have not let on that I am struggling. I don’t want anyone to worry. I can also relate to those sudden urges, its why I don’t drive much. I feel like Ive been at my lowest these last two weeks, but everyday Im waking up and Im trying. Again, thank you.
On a good day I just tell myself “don’t do anything drastic today”. I don’t rule out tomorrow, that seems too much - but in all honestly I think I approach it like a one-day-at-a-time / one-moment-at-a-time issue. That’s on a good day.
Admittedly, on a bad day I lean on alcohol and prescription drugs. I used to go to the gym and just work out until the brink of exhaustion just to shake the awful feelings but since the gym is closed I’m kind of back to the drinking and drugs when things get too dark. Not good I know, but I’m weak sometimes.
I can also relate to you saying you don’t want anyone to worry. I find myself in the same predicament. Their worry won’t really do any good anyway. And I don’t think many people truly get what this is like unless they are in it or have lived it. I think I hide it a lot and it sounds like you might do the same?
Last night I was climbing the stairs and I had a pair of scissors in my hand. Sharp ones. And I thought, if I fell on these - even if it didn’t kill me, maybe the pain of puncturing and internal organ would snap me away from the pain in my head. Give my mind a break. And I know - truly know - how insane that thinking is. I know that’s fucked up and I also know how strong the urge was. But I also didn’t do it. So - while yes, that’s like hiding the mess in my head, at the same time, what could anyone possibly tell me about that that may change things for me? I don’t think anything? I’ll still carry around this struggle.
I also think sometimes talking to someone about it seriously and the possibility of scaring them / confusing them is just more isolating than wrestling these issues on my own.
Sorry - in hindsight I don’t know that any of this really helped. Maybe re-read the "on a good day’ part and scrap the rest?
I’ll keep trying if you will? Hang in there - you are not alone. 
I woke up today tearful. Crying immediately after waking, so anxious. Been like this for a few weeks. Today I woke up and told myself I was going to take things hour by hour and thats been helpful today.
I know what you mean, alcohol is sometimes a vice for me.
I don’t have anyone in my life I trust enough, or feel comfortable with being that vulnerable. And you’re right, even though thats very isolating, the fear of rejection/fear after disclosing something like that, I think would turn them away. I do hide my feelings but for me the anxiousne and irritability have been more noticeable.
The scissors, wanting to have relief from mental anguish, I get it, and I dont think its insane. Im glad you didn’t though, I know how strong the need can be. Cuttng serves this ourpose for me, although I am trying to get away from that.
Thank you for sharing this with me, it means alot.