Hey guys. Going to start this post how I always do, but I do think it’s so freaking important to say! I love you guys, and you guys are loved and amazing and important! You guys have value on this earth because you have breath in your lungs, and therefore you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be alive! Hold fast guys <3
It’s another night of no sleep, and honestly I’m not really sure why this has become an ever night thing. A lot of people when they are depressed they sleep a lot, but I do the complete opposite, and well it’s not healthy and it’s starting to break me down. First the idea of never feeling safe, and my mind and body never relaxing enough to sleep and let my brain and body rest, so therefore I am constantly going 90 to nothing. And if I do sleep, it’s two to three hours and I’m woken out of a dead of sleep, bawling my eyes out, and left feeling alone and often times suicidal ready to end it all… What am I supposed to do? I can’t continue this way, I can’t continue down this road of no sleep, not eating, the self harm, the drug abuse! How can I find healthy ways to cope, to stop using, but also to relax and sleep, or even to just relax and let my mind and body relax? Am I alone in this? Am I the only one feeling this way? I just don’t know what to do anymore with this, I’m overwhelmed and to be honest I can’t continue down this road too much longer.
Yesterday during real talk on the stream we talked about feeling like a burden, and trusting people, and knowing that your support group loves you, and guys it’s so freaking hard. When I’ve just gotten high, or relapsed on self harm or porn… I fight against them, and I fight against reaching out. My constant response is “I don’t deserve love and support… let me go…” and the constant response is do you trust me, and the answer is always yes. But it’s so hard to let people in, when you’ve only ever been hurt. I want to feel safe, and I want the love and support they offer every freaking day, but it’s also so hard because I always expect people to leave, and it’s easier for me to leave before others do. I just don’t know how to cope with this! I constantly just want to give up, and run and isolate… but yeah this community loves me too much for that. I just don’t know…
Hold Fast, You’re Worth It, Don’t Give Up
ps~ sorry for making so many posts these last few days, I’m just slowly trying to process everything going on, and I know that this community loves me, and this is a safe place for me to go to receive love and support