Read this at own risk

I keep staring a razor blade. I want to use it really bad and I keep hearing so many voices in my head. They keep saying so much stuff about me, as true as they are, I don’t want to believe them. I’m seeing stuff too. I know it’s not really there, but I keep seeing it. If I close my eyes for a couple seconds, sometimes it will go away. I feel like I need to die. everyone tells me I do, but I don’t want to give them that satisfaction. I’m fat and ugly and all I seem to do is screw up or screw people over. I don’t open up to people irl, but when I do, they seem to use it against me. I constantly am sexually harassed at school, and when I tell people, they brush it off. I had to move homerooms twice last year because of it. I told one of my best friends about the abuse I endure at home, and he started to treat me like glass. Now, I told him about it, and he stopped, but last week, I gave him a hug before he left for vacation, and he grabbed my arm so hard he left a hand print. He also reopened a cut that I had made on myself that night. When I make a post on here, I feel like an attention whore, and I just want to curl up and apologize for it, but at the same time, it makes me feel so much better. I really wish I was dead right now. I can’t keep my focus for more than a minute, and I can’t seem to find motivation for anything. The only thing I can think about for long periods of time it the physical and mental strain people have on me, my depleting grades, my sense of worth, or anything negative in general. I don’t know if I can keep going with this. I look at everything I’ve done, and how much of a screw up I am. I feel like I should drown myself in pills, whiskey, blood, and tears, but I still feel like that’s not enough.

Sorry this is so long, and sorry for taking up your time if you read this. I didn’t mean to.

Hi there,
first of all, thank you so much for posting. You don’t know how brave and strong you are, and I’m so proud of you for opening up, because it really does take a lot.
I understand how you feel, and man does it suck. You feel like there’s literally no point, and at this point you just want to self-destruct. You want help but you feel bad asking for it. You want to get better, but also just don’t see the point in trying anymore.
But friend, there is a point. You were put on this earth to do such great things. I can tell by just reading this that you are in a real dark place and you want help, and you can find it! in multiple ways. So many people here are in full support of YOU. You don’t need to feel like a burden to us or anyone here, because we’re all here for the same reason. We are here to encourage each other, listen, and support you, because we care. There is only one of you, and if you were to go, we would lose a one of a kind person.

THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT!!! you WILL NOT give them that satisfaction. You saying that is proof right there that you can get through this. You have the power to say “you know what, I’m going to show them that I can get through this, and that I am worth it.” You are so strong.

I am so sorry for that. You don’t deserve that, and that really sucks. It sucks people treat you this way and I’m so sorry. You can come here anytime you want and talk about anything you want. You will not bug us, I am 100% sure. We care so so so much about you and want you to live such a good life and experience great things. We want you to live to see how strong you are and how far you’ve come.
I don’t exactly know what to say about your friend, except if he’s treating you like that, you may either want to have a serious talk with him about how it effects you, or take some time away from him. That’s not being a very good friend, and maybe if you took some time to heal, and took some time away from him, he would have time to think on things and you would also: )
take on day at a time. Do the best and most you can do. do not be so hard on yourself.
everyone is here for a reason. everyone here wakes up everyday, and yeah it may suck, but we make it through and you can to. I encourage you to join the Discord, so you can get plugged in to all sorts of different chats and you can talk with anyone 24/7: ) I would also recommend you try one of Heartsupport’s books, Dwarf Planet. I think you’d enjoy it and find it very helpful! (if I’m correct, it’s free)
we love you.
keep fighting.

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Hello, for starters, please don’t apologize for sharing your feelings. That’s what this forum is for. There is no such thing as a post that is too long or “seeking attention”. You are merely a human being sharing your feelings and your feelings are VALID. What you’re doing by posting on here is not only brave, but it shows your strength. I am so sorry to hear about everything that you are going through. Abuse is unacceptable and I hope that you are able to get into contact with the right person who will put an end to it. THAT’S what needs to come to an end, not your life. Your life is invaluable and you are needed, whether you feel as though you are or not. Life is hard. I know and I know that sometimes you feel so much that you just don’t want to feel anything, but I assure you, it will pass. I can not assure you of when or how, but it will.

I hope that image uploads. It is a poem that I just posted on IG, because I thought someon somewhere may need to hear it and I want to share it with you. Please keep fighting. It doesn’t matter if you walk or crawl or run or skip, just please, keep going. There is hope. You are not worthless. You are not nothing. You are the only you in the world and the world needs you to be here tomorrow. I want you to be here. :heart:

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Hey friend, I actually really enjoy your posts and am so glad that you make them. I feel honored to get this window into your world and so thankful that you’re using this place as it was intended to be: a refuge. You are are always welcome to post whatever – you are not a burden.

So crazy about the people in your life…like, your friend grabbing hold of your arm like that – that’s insane!! And people abusing you at school…as if at home wasn’t enough…really really sucks…and it’s like, you already feel terrible about yourself, and it feels like so many instances in your life are reminders or make that feeling worse. It’s hard for you to hold your head up, when it feels so many people are trying to push you down…school’s hard to succeed at because you spend so much of your time just trying to not feeling like a total piece of shit…and it’s like all of the “normal” avenues where people gain a sense of self worth have been really painful for you…feels like your coping mechanisms are your only source of refuge, and still even those hurt you in the end. You’re having a hard time finding an anchor in the middle of the storms of your life, and you don’t want to keep holding on when every day you fear getting blown into the sea.

I hear you…I see you – I admire your strength…gosh, you’ve got so much grit to hold so tightly when it feels like everything’s been beating against you for so long. There’s going to be a purpose for that strength some day. I know you’ll be able to hold on to others who can’t for themselves. There’s something really beautiful that’s forging in your story, and even though it feels really dark right now, you’re going to be able to shine soon enough.

Again, I’m so thankful that you post here. Anytime you need it, post it, because it’s 100% welcomed. I care about you, friend.