I keep staring a razor blade. I want to use it really bad and I keep hearing so many voices in my head. They keep saying so much stuff about me, as true as they are, I don’t want to believe them. I’m seeing stuff too. I know it’s not really there, but I keep seeing it. If I close my eyes for a couple seconds, sometimes it will go away. I feel like I need to die. everyone tells me I do, but I don’t want to give them that satisfaction. I’m fat and ugly and all I seem to do is screw up or screw people over. I don’t open up to people irl, but when I do, they seem to use it against me. I constantly am sexually harassed at school, and when I tell people, they brush it off. I had to move homerooms twice last year because of it. I told one of my best friends about the abuse I endure at home, and he started to treat me like glass. Now, I told him about it, and he stopped, but last week, I gave him a hug before he left for vacation, and he grabbed my arm so hard he left a hand print. He also reopened a cut that I had made on myself that night. When I make a post on here, I feel like an attention whore, and I just want to curl up and apologize for it, but at the same time, it makes me feel so much better. I really wish I was dead right now. I can’t keep my focus for more than a minute, and I can’t seem to find motivation for anything. The only thing I can think about for long periods of time it the physical and mental strain people have on me, my depleting grades, my sense of worth, or anything negative in general. I don’t know if I can keep going with this. I look at everything I’ve done, and how much of a screw up I am. I feel like I should drown myself in pills, whiskey, blood, and tears, but I still feel like that’s not enough.
Sorry this is so long, and sorry for taking up your time if you read this. I didn’t mean to.