So, since I was a teenager I’ve been an addict.
I never put anything up my nose, but I did everything else.
I’ve been thru rehab more than a few times with the last one being in 2006 for my 5yr addiction to opiates. I was in the program for a full year. That’s when I was diagnosed with BPD and major depression. Along with PTSD (can’t talk about that yet).
I’ve been learning a ton about BPD in the past year. Most of it being in the last 5 months and I have been using THC has a coping tool off and on for years. I’ve been using it pretty hard for the past 3ish years and way more after I realized that I need to get a handle on my mental health. Using THC as a coping tool because I thought It helped me.
I think I need to stop using…
I’ve been paying attention to how my mind thinks and how I act when I’m high vs how I feel when I’m sober. The realization I had isn’t what I wanted and I’m sitting her trying to face the fact that it’s not helping me cope at all, it’s making things worse.
I’ve tried so many times to take breaks or quit and I end up giving in and getting high. The addict in me won’t let me and it’s little voice in my head gets loud and tells me I need it. That voice deafens any other thoughts I have and my focus is to get high at any cost. I hate that shit and it makes me feel so down that I just say fuck it, I don’t care and keep using. Then, I get close to running out again, feel strong about stopping then end up with more and high again. It’s an endless exhausting cycle that I really, really want to end.
It’s so hard tho and I don’t know how to stop.
Maybe someone can share their own experience with recovery or ways I can stay strong. I can’t afford proper treatment, I’m on my own.
I think is admirable that you have limited your substance use to THC. Giving something up leaves a void. Therefore, you need an alternative to the THC. When I quit smoking, I took up cross-country skiing. That was in 1986, and I haven’t smoked since. “Fighting” habits makes them appear more unbeatable than they actually are. It’s better to think of turning away from them, to focus on something more beneficial.
Try calling 211, and see if there are any support groups in your area. If you can get with a group where you can each support each other, it would be a good thing.
Well done for deciding to stop using. Since you’ve already tried in the past, it’s not the first time you come to that realization. But still, I think it’s really important to acknowledge how strong it is to say: okay, this is not serving me, so it’s going to be hard but it has to change. It can be a scary thing to consider, especially since that, with addictions, we can be stuck in a cycle made of denial. So, first off, well done for reaching out and coming to that conclusion. You indeed deserve a life free of something that hurts you, even if it seems helpful as an immediate relief.
I only connect with addictive dynamics through my personal experience with eating disorders, that has lasted for about 12 years now. The substance is different, the subtelties behind too, but this cycle of making it a coping mechanism, this urge to cope quickly, being divided by two voices in your mind and feeling like ending up destroying yourself for something temporary… gosh, it’s a nightmare of a cycle, and I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing this for so long. The feeling of helplessness can be very deep, though I hope you know that recovery is absolutely possible no matter how long you’ve been struggling with using. You’ve made some important steps forward before, and your efforts were not in vain, even if there were steps backwards too.
I’d like to echo what @Wings said about looking after support groups in your area. Whether it would be 12-steps type or others. There might also be support groups online with a system of mentorship and such. It’s definitely worth to have a look at those. We’ve had and have people in this community who are in that kind of group for different types of addictions, and their experiences have been pretty positive so far. It’s not a replacement for therapy specifically, but it could be a real and strong resource for you. Although it’s not necessarily developped in all countries, so I hope that would be the case where you are, if you’d like to consider that option at some point.
I never did very well with NA meetings because I would always leave felling triggered. My sponsor was great, but meetings weren’t for me.
I don’t really do well anywhere actually, I always end up getting triggered and doing or saying something to ruin things. I’ve already done that here.
I’ve got a long history with using THC (namely buds) because I thought it helped me, and kicking it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
With BPD and PTSD, THC can be an absolute kicker. As the primary psychoactive cannabinoid, I’ve always likened it to ‘stirring the pot’ when it comes to cyclical anxious, paranoid,. and self-destructive thoughts. It’s not always the high that does it, but the comedown - at that point, I’ve always found myself at my most depressed, unmotivated, paranoid and suicidal.
Obviously I don’t know how you take THC, but if smoking is one of your go-tos, then I’d highly recommend giving CBD herb a try - basically, weed with the THC bred out of it. First off, it’s legal. CBD, being the other main cannabinoid, primarily functions as an anti-anxiety and pain relief, which naturally limits the more harmful side-effects of THC (that’s why Indica cannabis is the kind most commonly prescribed for medical use - it’s crazy high in CBD).
I’ve found CBD useful for helping me with tic attacks and insomnia, and it’s more of gentle calming effect than a noticeable high.
THC makes things worse, you’re absolutely spot-on with that statement. But a huge part of quitting is tricking yourself.
If this helps at all, then I’m really glad
I believe in you
I understand your reluctance about NA meetings and totally respect that. Maybe there would be a way to find some kind of mentorship service without the group meetings system? Sounds like a peer-to-peer approach would be more comfortable to you. Mentorship services are generally less known… but who knows, it could be worth it?
This one was recommended several times by HeartSupport - of course it’s not a replacement for active recovery, but it could be another string to add to your bow, eventually. Instead of one specific service or resource, maybe it would be interesting to “build” your very own support system, even if it might require to be a little more creative and perseverant than by using a “traditional” way to be supported.
PS - You haven’t ruined anything right here. You can totally ease your fears and worries on that matter. It’s still a safe space, for you, for everyone. You belong.
Thank you for your reply. I’ve been in the process of helping my mother get off pain pills and on 20:1 CBD and it’s really working for her. I have thought about seeing what CBD can do for me as well. So, yes this is something I will be looking into. I’m not really sure what is right for me yet, but we shall see.
I will look into this, thank you for the advice. I do appreciate it.
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