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Reality is blurred

Hi everyone, reality is subjective
I’m acosmic maybe slightly solipsistic but yet there’s a duality a paradox of existence.
Reality hit me in a way that might be above most people’s pay grade, like da Vinci said "Develop your senses- especially learn how to see. Realize that everything connects to everything else.”
A few months ago I sat awake for a week staring at the wall, not eating or drinking. my thoughts became how I can only describe as 2 dimensional. That’s not a very good definition of it so say I ask you to think of a black cat you will think of that cat and for the next few seconds you will lose that image in your head, for me that image was stuck in my head and every thought carried over from point a to point b
I was having hundreds of thoughts at once but it didnt seem like any of them got in my way for critical thinking.
Then I find myself 3 feet outside of my head looking at myself looking at myself in the mirror
Since then nothing any human does makes any sense to me
It’s all bound by delusional behaviors to me.
Now since that time
I’ve been having a hard time believing reality isnt prewritten everything that was going to happen and will happen are going to happen what you say, feel, and do
Are all predetermined
Reality has proven fatalistic to me
I’ve just learned to see
How everythings connected
While everyone lives a life in dysphasia giddy and happy
Every Religion makes sense to me now I see the points and how the churches and clerics have manipulated the words to suit their notions for control
The world is rotten and reeks of hell.
Did we really give up essence for this?
But other wise my anxiety is through the roof
Had an eeg done and brain training but that only helped so much.

“Since then nothing any human does makes any sens to me”, although I am no doctor, It reminds me of my own. Currently I have been diagnosed with depersonilization/derealization this is a condition which blurs reality and makes people constantly think about the meaning of life and completely feel, as though you are going insane. Though I am unaware if this will help you or this is what is currently occurring to you, I still hope that I was at least slightly useful. In addition feel free to criticize what I have commented, if you feel as though I am incorrect in anyway, or wish for some more of my advise(or whatever this). Good Luck, hope this helps you,bye.

Hi,

It seems you’ve had an epiphany and now your view of the world has shifted from what you believed previously. And your view of the world has become very negative.

Many people feel that the world is a terrible place. But what is this based on? Bad things happen and good things happen. But who is determine what bad and good is? Like you said, it’s subjective. Your beliefs may change a year from now. And if the world is simply a hell, why not accept it? That may sound crazy, but where is the point against fighting and struggling with your reality. I’m sorry I can’t be of much help. Your writing style is definitely unique. I really wish you the best. Xoxo

Jenn

In a way it’s more like I cant bear the simulator any more
The true knowledge of the universe can be told by who?
Can you?
Can I?
What if I clap my hands and clay birds fly?
Do we believe the satanic cult egg heads
That there is one true science of the world, everything can be explained with numbers?
If you only extend as far as your arm can reach are you anymore then a computer as far as hylic is concerned
Does that bound you so?
Delusion makes everything seem ok right?
It makes that sandwich taste good
It makes everyone’s dialect separate
Your not talking to one single person everytime you talk to someone.