Realizing trauma too late

I’ve become horrible depressed the last few years/months and scared that I will hurt myself and decided I need help. I need to preface by saying I have zero confidence and I wrote this and deleted it what feels like 10 times now because I’m a nobody and no one should care about me. I used lie a lot about myself, things happened and I started changing myself, being honest and vulnerable ruined me. Not because its hard to be honest, but because the biggest lies were what I told myself, that I’m ok and that I’m normal. Recently the last few months even waking up, I just cry cause it physically hurts to exist knowing I hurt people and hurt myself.

I was talking to my wife and we made some realization that I have always struggled with showing love, and letting myself be vulnerable and honest. I realized in my childhood love was in very short supply and now I carry this burden for all time. My parents were around always, they gave us a good life, but sadly my brother and my 2 sisters always needed more attention, more help because of problems or more vocal about issues or just things in general. I always got cast off cause I’m quiet and don’t cause trouble or make a fuss, my parents regularly left me alone because I “figured it out”. My brother was a heroin addict, stole everything from me when we were growing up. Guitars, bikes, TV’s and video games, coming home from school to see my room torn apart and my stuff gone.Then my parents asked me to move out at 16(brother is 10 years older than me) because me and my brother would fight. I realized too late in life that it effected more then I could have ever imagined, I don’t know love because it was never showed to me just displayed in front of me. And I have a chip on my shoulder from being cast off when I wanted to be loved as a kid.

I’ve had this broken perspective for 30 years now and it just keeps getting worse. I notice I cant be outside near people without being paranoid, I cant talk to myself cause I always attack myself for being less than. I feel empty and unfit to be alive anymore, I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to not die either, I just don’t want it to be my fault so I can have some invisible moral high ground. The last months is probable the hardest or worst this fight has even gotten, I’m shaking all the time, paranoia and anxiety through the roof, no call no shows to work. Lashing out at myself pushing myself further into this void losing all hope for redemption. My attention span is so bad I cant even have conversations with co workers, I hide my face as often I can. I feel so full of guilt and shame its unbearable I cant see any light, any way out of this.

I don’t even know what any of this means or how to move forward in life and I feel like I cant get the motivation to try besides vomiting my useless feelings into the world. I found this site by watching a Interview of Jake from August burns red and he mentioned it, I feel so depleted of life and hope, Him saying that maybe someone else out that knows how I feel can just say that, that maybe I can start to forgive myself.

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Welcome to HeartSupport @Technophillia :hrtlegolove: You are in a good space here.

I’m actually going through almost the exact same struggle right now. Rigid parents who focused on keeping the household physically, emotionally, and logistically tidy instead of letting things break so we could examine them. With a high maintenance (younger) brother, the best thing I could contribute to peace at home was to stay out of the way and take care of my own needs. I didn’t acknowledge that I didn’t get the love and attention I needed as a kid until a couple weeks ago, when my therapist pushed me past a point of being able to deny, excuse, or ignore it. I’ve been looking back at my childhood through that lens, and it’s been exhausting.

As a result of my upbringing, I try to defuse anger in others, perform more than my share of work to make life easier for others, beat myself up when I make mistakes or don’t complete things because I “know” I’ll get yelled at anyway, and try to be as inconspicuous and self-sufficient as possible. I’m now sorting through all that in a porn addiction recovery program. Deep down I feel undeserving of love and affection from others, even my wife, which combined with pathological self-reliance leads me to take care of my own needs.

As I read about your paranoia and lack of confidence, I figure as a parallel to my journey that you don’t want to face people because you don’t want to make waves. In your experience, if you stand up for yourself, you get dismissed and punished. Much easier to try to be invisible and self-sufficient, right? It’s coming to a breaking point though. You’re in so much pain, the cracks are so big, that trying to keep it together is too much to handle anymore. You’re about to be exposed for the mere mortal you are, who needs love and attention and help, and you’d rather risk your job or disappear than let that happen. I went through that a decade ago. I didn’t know at that time what was happening or why I was so miserable, but based on the past couple weeks in therapy I think this might be it. Which parts of that resonate with you? Which parts don’t quite apply to your situation?

My therapist says I’ll move forward from this. I don’t know how, it’s still recent, but he says it will happen when I start processing it. For now, what he told me that might help you start to forgive yourself, is that you didn’t do anything wrong. These were things that happened to you, not things you did. It’s not about blaming your parents or your siblings, but it’s okay to acknowledge that you didn’t ask for it and it wasn’t fucking fair.

I’m glad you found our little corner of the internet. Come back as often as you want and let it out. We’re here for you :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hello Friend, Welcome to HeartSupport, my name is Lisa. Thank you so much for sharing this with us here, I have to start this reply with your title, its never too late friend, the time is now and you have recognised it and your journey is just beginning and im proud of you. You had a lot to deal with growing up. A lot of the things you are feeling now sound like they are “core beliefs” due to all the past things you have spoken of and they are things that can be worked on once you have figured out exactly what they are. I myself only started on mine last year and its very interesting, thought provoking and makes so much sense and I can assure you once it all does come together there is no reason why you have to carry this any further, you can put it all down and walk around baggage free and that my friend is what you deserve. You are not responsible for everyones life or feelings. You just have to take control of your own. that way you wont hurt yourself and in turn you wont hurt anyone else either. I wil put a link under here about core beliefs. I would love to know if you find it interesting. Take care for now. Lisa. x

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Hi Technophillia,
thank you so much for reaching out, thank you for sharing, Welcome to Heart Support.
i can relate to a lot from your post. so much. that is breaking my heart to read that.
my parents divorced at very young aged, i also haven’t experienced love. never had confidence, work since i was
out school with 15, did almost my life on my own. worked for everything. i am worth shit, and i feel your words so
much. not deserving something, not deserving any kind of love, or kindness.
i also feel guilty for getting me in this situation, for driving myself into isolation, burnout, depression. holy cow that reads like a very bad book.
this void you feel, you are not alone. i cried for months last year, without reason, at work when asked how i was doing, because i looked like the Grinch on drug rehab probably, i bursted out crying to a colleague.
i did not know what was going on with myself. for years my life was sleep, work, bullshit, sleep. with almost no friends, when something was i was searching excuses not to attend. getting myself even deeper in that hole.
how to move forward ?
reach out. to your loved ones, to a professional for a therapy if you want, that is helping so much. to talk everything
out is not a chliche, it is the truth that it helps. you will learn who you really are, learn how to get better every day.
how to cope.
you will learn that you deserve love, that you deserve people that are caring for you, people that are loving you for who you are. because you are worth all of this. when you start that all, you will forgive yourself with time.
time is the biggest factor and the biggest enemy of all. because you need time to heal right now. like myself.
and again, you are not alone in this. life is a shitload of feelings and obstacles. life is so overwhelming.
you are welcome always here, anytime. do one step a time and also be proud of what you have achieved right now.
what you are aware of. that is a huge thing. and i am definetly proud of you. :purple_heart:
life is beautiful. because of love.
you matter most my friend. you are loved :purple_heart: feel hugged

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@Technophillia - First, I’m so glad that you had a chance to hear Jake talk and to find out about Heart Support. I hope you feel that you have found a safe place to talk about what is happening in your life. You truly will find that there are others of us who do feel or have felt what you are feeling now. You are not alone here my friend. Writing here the first time especially can be hard. You overcame the big hurdle and you are part of the family here for as much or long as you want to be.

I want to tell you that it’s never to late to change or to realize what is driving how you feel and how you behave and live. I’m older than you and I’m still learning to do better in this life. Next - I want to tell you that what happened to you in your childhood was not your fault. It wrote on the slate of who you are, but you did nothing to cause or deserve it. Please release yourself from that responsibility.

You, my friend are so deserving of love, care, compassion, and hope. You may not feel like it, but our feelings can lie to us. And they can do it in spades. If you haven’t already, please consider and find a therapist or counselor to talk to. Also, you could talk to your family physician about this. Medication may help and they may help you find a great therapist. But please don’t try to go through this alone. You don’t have to, nor should you.

Last thing - I’m glad you’re here. Know that you do matter, you do have value, great value, and you are loved. Keep us update please on how you are doing friend.

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@SheetMetalHead First of all thanks.

I really am at a lost for words, your story hit home so hard its like I’m reading a page from my own journal. Everything you said is similar to my experiences and current situation. I was in therapy a while ago and went through 3 before I stopped, just had a hard time connecting to them so Its something I need to try getting back into this week I wanna start that process. Just like you have said to me, you are worthy of love and we don’t have to fight alone. We have people in our corner to support us during this difficult season. I am glad I found this place as well. and thanks again.

@Lisalovesfeathers In a therapy session years ago they was told me, that my core beliefs are set to this “I’m worthless” setting and because of how long I have carried that baggage its set in me, but they told me there were ways to let go it just takes a lot of work. I will take a look at the link, Thank you so much and take care as well.

@Aardvark Thank you for sharing your story as well, I know you have a deep self worth issue like I have, Together and with this community we can learn we have self worth and we have purpose. We are both here, accepting our flaw, putting ourselves out there because we care, we want to hold on to what we have cause it matters. You matter most as well friend, Thank you.

@Mamadien I’ve been a fan of Jake for a long time now, he is such an inspiration. I used to be in therapy and didn’t keep up, Was too scared/stupid to try medicine but I know it doesn’t make me weak like I used to think. Reading all the support gives me hope that there is light at the end of all this.

Just wanna thank you all again and I do plan on trying to stick around and doing my best to learn how to help myself and other.

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