Really hard on myself & what might cause it

I’m always really hard on myself and feel like I deserve it most of the time. I don’t know my worth, I don’t know what I’m made to do, and I just overall don’t feel like I can make it. I feel like I’m never there for anyone. I don’t do enough for others. I’m always stuck in a bubble of sadness and I can’t help it. I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself. I think part of it has to do with the fact that growing up, my mom would get mad at me for every little thing that didn’t fit her expectations or she didn’t agree with. She would be hard on me when I wasn’t even doing anything wrong. She would say I’m lazy, stupid, an idiot, useless, she would yell at me when I would ask her if she needed help with anything, or what she wanted me to do and she would say things like “you never listen” and “I don’t know why I even try with you.” I feel like because I grew up with her getting on to me for very simple things and yelling at me for no reason, that did something to me. I honestly think that because she would get on to me for simple things that weren’t bad or wrong, that has turned into me getting onto myself for not getting enough done, showing my emotions, taking time for myself, and giving myself limits. I feel like it’s drilled in my head that if I don’t get everything done in one day, I have failed and I can’t do anything but blame myself for it and call myself “lazy” and “a piece of crap”. If I accidentally lose my temper or even do something good for myself and use my voice and actually stand up for myself, I immediately call myself “selfish” and “brat” and other things like that. It’s so hard. I don’t want to believe that I am a piece of crap, or selfish, or lazy. But that’s all my mind knows me as. Dan and Casey tell me all the time that I am loved, that I am smart and capable. I believe what they say, but I want to believe it in a way that it makes me see myself differently, if that makes sense. It’s almost like I know what they’re saying is true, but I can’t fully convince myself that I’m worthy of the love and support. I don’t know if I did a good job at explaining that, so I’m sorry if that doesn’t make sense. This entire community has shown me so much love and support that I don’t deserve. I want to believe that I’m worthy of love and support. I want to believe that it’s okay to give myself a break. That being hard on myself isn’t the answer.

Hey nicole_kaley,
Everything you said I can relate to. I can see where you are coming from. My dad was and still is hard on me. He would call me names and tell me I never do anything right and stuff like that. My whole life I grew up thinking I’m doing everything wrong and that I’m never going to be good enough for anybody. Now if someone buys me something or simply does anything for me I feel like I don’t deserve it and I would feel so bad and start putting myself down by calling myself selfish.
You are worthy of love and support, and you do deserve all the love and support. It is okay to give yourself a break. Think positive, you can make it and you will.

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