So, my boyfriend has a very badly injured shoulder and on the 28th we find out what his treatment is going to be. Surgery is #1 on the list and if that happens he will not be able to do anything physical for the next 3-6 months. I don’t have a problem taking care of him at all and I’m happy to do it. He is disabled with a learning disability that effects his memory, so I already do a lot for him.
What I’m worried about is taking care of myself. I have fibromyalgia and most days, I hurt and I’m so exhausted all the time. I’ve relied on him to do the heavy stuff like taking the chairs out of the kitchen so I can mop or vacuuming once in awhile because sometimes I just can’t get it done and he knows how much having a messy house triggers me. Last night I had to deal with the trash and putting the bins out for collection for the first time, ever. His only chores were taking care of trash. Now, I am doing everything because he can’t do anything physical or he ends up in a lot of pain. The idea of having to do everything doesn’t really worry me.
What does worry me is how much pain I’m in this morning after dragging the bins to the curb last night. How am I going to take care of the house and him? Between fibro and debilitating depression, how am I going to deal with this? I can barely keep my house up as it is now. I’m also on disability so I can’t afford to have someone helping me. His family is very unreliable and my family is an hour away. I have carpel tunnel so bad in both hands that just holding the broom handle kills me and walking is very difficult because I have a tendon on the top of my right foot that has deteriorated from arthritis. I’ve put the surgery off for 10ish years because I know my boyfriend won’t be able to take care of everything and me. So, I’m always in a LOT of physical pain and sometimes it just too much.
This feels like it’s turning into a rant, I’m sorry.
I’m just having a lot of self doubt and anxiety about this. I need to take care of my body as well as my mental health and I don’t know how to find the balance in that or if I even can.
Depression and paranoia are playing a role in this too. The emotions and lies in my head from this fuel things and because I am aware of it, I can cope most of the time but it still comes and it still messes my head up. Feeling alone and just not wanting to be here anymore is hard to fight off, ya know?
I don’t know what I need from the community, but I just needed to say all that to someone. I can’t to my boyfriend because I don’t want him to worry about me or put his own surgery off.