Reasons behind depression? #dwarfplanet

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Hi lovelies!
A while ago I purchased Dwarf Planet to see how it would help me with my depression. Apart from the fact that it has gotten worse this year, the past month specifically, I still want to change something. Despite having gotten used to the demons and feelings I battle I noticed how tiring it is and I’m scared it’ll affect me in my job. My job is the only thing that’s keeping me above water so I need to stay good at it.

Anyway I have just worked through the beginning section looking at what caused our causes my depression and it’s so many things. Plus I don’t think it’s just depression but I will be going to psychoanalysis in mid August so that’s a different topic.
Stress /life events, relationships, pain /trauma, psychological, moral / I screwed up are categories and I ticked them all. I know that these things change the way I see people (either giving too much or despising them), how distorted I see myself (a switch between glorious on rare occasions and otherwise a constant self hatred). It changes the way I act (I feel like I couldn’t help anyone in the support wall because my problems are so minor). They also change the way I act with my friends and family (love the few close ones I have but I prefer to drown in my emotions and stay alone).
I feel disconnected to many. I feel like a burden, the class. I feel like I haven’t achieved anything in life. I feel like I was used many times and not loved though it might have been my fault too. I feel stupid and not intelligent. And I feel like I cannot stop apologising for everyone around me and to everyone. Thinking. About this hurts and I get panicky.

I’m scared. I’m scared that whatever I do I will be blamed for things. I don’t know how to ever forgive myself. I don’t know how to get rid of that weight in carrying and may have been carrying for such a long time.

That said I want to apologise again for always lurking in the live stream. <4

Xo e_lynx

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It’s not your fault. Depression doesn’t care who you are. Don’t let it define you. I’ve always felt closed off and disconnected to society too. It’s not you. If you’ll be blamed, that’s their problem. Find your pride. I would give you mine in a instant if I could. You’ve achieved something if you write here.
I know you’re afraid. It’s okay. You are the most important person in the world to yourself. Try not to think of how long you’ve been carrying the weight, only that you want to let it go.
You are not a burden.
You don’t owe anyone anything.
Everyone is stupid in some way, no one’s perfect.
I believe you’re smarter than you know, stronger than you know, and you still have faith.
We’re here, and we love you. We care, and we’ll listen.

Stay strong

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Hey @e_lynx - Depression can have both external and internal factors. I’m not a doctor, but from my understanding, clinical depression is typically related to internal depression (i.e. there’s a chemical imbalance that needs correcting through some medication). External factors can include, well, anything bad happening to you. Some psychiatrists believe that if you endure enough external factors that your brain chemistry might alter by itself, thus creating internal/clinical depression, even if life seems to be going perfectly. Know that you’re not alone and that we care about you!