Recent Breakup

Just needing to vent. I recently ended a decade long relationship. He was my fiancé and we were planning to get married next year. The relationship was very toxic, but it didn’t start out that way.

For the first few years it was a great relationship. We were both very young and dated through high school. He was very sweet, always thoughtful and kind. I was so young and naive, thinking everything about him was perfection. There were some red flags: not wanting me to wear leggings/tight pants to school, freaking out when I would be out late with my mom shopping, etc. but I brushed them off.

Flash forward a few years, I moved out of my parents home very abruptly. They were shocked to say the least. Without warning I came in one day and told them I was moving… they were of course shocked and begged me to stay. My mom wasn’t sure if it was because my parents were struggling with money, etc. But I couldn’t see how irrational this idea was and moved in with him. I was in love, right? How could this ever be a bad idea?

We struggled but we made it. I worked a few different jobs while going to college. He didn’t want to pursue college but still kept a steady job. I remember only making enough for a few groceries and some gas money, not having much left over. But I didn’t care. We thought we were living the life, but that’s when things became complicated. We got into an argument and things got heated… he became physically violent. I called his friend who lived nearby to come over to help me. He did, this calmed things down. But this was only the beginning.

There were so many times he was emotionally and physically violent with me, but I kept brushing it off. I thought that after we made up, that he would never do it again. But I was just lying to myself because I loved him so much and thought he would come to his senses. He had issues of his own… childhood trauma, etc. I blamed that, thinking I could fix him.

One time when we were on vacation with my family he got upset with me and bruised my eye causing blood vessels to burst inside my eye. The next morning my mom noticed and asked if he was ever violent with me. I lied.

Another time he pointed a gun in my face in an argument and threatened to pull the trigger. I prayed for my life and was relieved when he didn’t. Still, I gave in to him and forgave him. I made him get rid of the gun and he had the audacity to ask me why.

He never wanted me around any of my friends or family. Every holiday, he would complain about meeting with my family. He told me countless times that he hated my family and being around them. When my friends wanted me to hang out, I had to always make up excuses to not go because I knew he would blow up my phone the entire time on when I would be home or question me on what I was actually doing and accusing me of cheating, although never giving him a reason to think so.

He complained about me going to college saying it’s was a waste when I could have been making more money already. Then when I wanted to pursue another degree to better our future even more, that was war.

When I finally finished college and got my first job to start my career, things started looking up. He was happy I was done and making money. But I worked in a hospital and was on night shift. This was a major problem since he didn’t get to see me as much. I had a love-hate relationship with the shift, but it’s the only shift available when you’re new. I explained that in a year or so that I’d be moved to a different shift. I told him so many times and he refused to accept that he would have to deal with only seeing me for a short time before bed and seeing me on the weekend. He loathed anything interesting I had to say about my work day. He hated that I worked with a few males. I explained that this wasn’t my fault and there was nothing I could do about it. I also explained that I had never given him a reason to be jealous or to have any concern about me cheating. He would constantly ask who I was working with that day and complain when it was with a male. When he would leave in the morning, I got the typical “I love you” with a sarcastic remark about how he’d see me when I got off work late.

When it came to important things like marriage and kids, it was also a fight. I wanted to wait until I was done with school to get married to be more financially stable. After getting my job and starting to plan the wedding, he complained that we didn’t do a destination wedding that his family offered us even thought my family wouldn’t be able to come. This bothered me as I obviously wanted my family to be there. He said he didn’t care and that I crushed this opportunity when he didn’t care about any wedding planning until his family brought up the destination idea. When it came to children, I worried what my life might look like with children in the mix of us. We were always fighting and arguing about something and I didn’t want ti being a child into that. He also had a history of abuse/neglect… and I worried that he may do the same to our children. I also wanted to enjoy married life for a short time before adding kids into the mix. He wanted children now, and I told him I wanted to enjoy being married for awhile. This wasn’t good enough as he said he wasn’t getting younger in his mid twenties, that we had to have them asap. And somehow yet again I was the one not compromising, yet in our entire relationship I compromised almost everything for him.

He was very manipulative and a narcissist. In arguments, everything was my fault. He was never to blame. He would throw any mistake I’ve ever made new or old, in my face. I was always the problem.

I recently ended the relationship a few days ago. It got really ugly and I’m still working on how to go about getting my things, etc. I have so many mixed emotions. I told him I would always love him and I will. But there’s only so much mental and physical abuse someone can endure.

Unfortunately, there are many more stories I could tell about our relationship. I’m sure this sounds crazy but do you think I’ve made the right choice by leaving? Maybe it’s just me having doubts since I haven’t been without him for so long and really don’t know anything else but him? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

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Hi! I think noticing some of those red flags earlier in the relationship helps with the way you retell how he treated you. You’re able to pick up on a lot of things that not only cause friction with your values, but also hurt you and put you in an abusive and toxic situation. When I was with my ex, I wanted to move out too but our lack of a stable income was the only thing that stopped us. So in hindsight, it was totally okay that you moved out. You seem to have learned a lot of things too, like working and budgeting. It’s really stressful to work and study. You are also living together, which gives you more opportunities to really learn about each other, and unfortunately, it seemed like things did not go as well as you’d hoped.

Your stories of him being violent with you are horrifying, and I’m so glad you’re out of there! He also began to become possessive and obsessed by questioning you and accusing you of cheating, and that sounds like a lack of trust coming from him (which makes sense as you mentioned he had issues growing up, but if he were to have a healthy relationship with anyone, it would be beneficial for him to address this). It’s great that you were able to find a job after college, but you should also be supported if you wanted to pursue more studies. Relationships take a lot of work, and if you wanted to study for both of your futures, then that shows complete selflessness from you and, willingness to sacrifice YOUR time and energy to better both your lives. It also seems like you have different values which are fundamental to a relationship, such as opinions on marriage and children. I have to praise you for the way you thought about your future kids, and avoiding bringing them into an unsafe environment.

I’m really proud of you for ending the relationship! It doesn’t seem very safe and supportive, but rather very abusive. I’m so sorry you went through that, it might be hard to accept at first but I’m so glad you got out of there and I hope you’re safe!! You can love someone from far away, but you deserve to be in a relationship where your values and goals are respected and nourished. Being single again is gonna feel like riding a bike without training wheels for the first time, trust me. Strengthen your connections with your family and friends, you’re not alone through this. You have us here too! It also sounds cliche, but you now have the time to work on yourself and see where you want to go in life right now. If you’re still keen on studying, that sounds like something you can go for! I wish you the best, stay safe :heart: :blush:

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if someone had to write a post about how a relationship becomes controlling and dominating, and how incredibly hard it is to get out, this is it. You are incredibly strong, let me tell you that.

Most never start questioning how to get out until there have been catastrophic injuries, and I am so glad you have a career and a job to help finance yourself now.
Do NOT go get your things alone, get the biggest strongest people you know to go with you, go when he’s not there, etc.

And also begin the process of reconnecting with your family and friends. Abusive people like your ex like to cut off the victim’s social support to leave them isolated.

It’ll have moments when he will make you feel as if you abandoned him, that you broke your promises to love him etc, but he broke his first by hurting you, threatening you, etc.

You owe him nothing. You do owe yourself the right to feel safe, protected and be in a home where you dont have to constantly prove your faithfulness, your commitment, or be controlled.

You matter, and I’m so glad you got out.

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From: Micro

Hey @Kd405,

Thank you so much for sharing your story here. It must have been such a difficult and stressful decision for you to leave. But to answer your question: yes, without any doubt yes, you’ve made the right choice. As you are naming your experience there, you are using the right words. Your relationship has been impacted by abuse, violence, manipulation, controlling behaviors. Nothing that you ever deserved to go through. Though it is completely understandable that you have repeatedly tried to excuse him and wanted to believe in the possibility for him to change. When we love someone so much, especially after so many years, we naturally want to give them credit for who they are and for their intentions. We also want to believe that because we know them so well we might be able to help them change, to be the needed element in their own story and healing. Unfortunately, healing from such behaviors and understanding why it is wrong is something deeply personal that requires the willingness of the person. None of this has ever been your fault nor your responsibility. You have been carrying such a heavy burden for two for a long time. It is very brave of you to step away and free yourself from all of this.

For too long you have been pushed in many ways into a tiny square in which it was hard to move. You’ve been pushed to be someone you were not. You had to compromise your freedom, wishes, dreams. It is absolutely okay and healthy to say no to all of that. A change was necessary. A change that is probably incredibly scary, but needed. We are all so incredibly proud of you here for acknowledging your worth, your needs, for using your voice and not letting this situation define you, the way you see yourself or your future. You deserve to be loved genuinely, which means with respect of you, of your heart, your body, of who you are. I hope with all my heart that this is going to be the beginning of a very healing chapter for you. You deserve to have a voice. You deserve to take up space. You deserve to not feel like walking on eggshells constantly. To embrace this life to the fullest.

It’s been a while since you’ve posted so please if you see this let us know how it goes for you - if you are comfortable doing so, of course. This community is here, ready to support you through what can be a scary transition in your life. I’m proud of you. :hrtlegolove: