I just need to write this out right now because I feel so bad I can’t get up today
I was recently abandoned by my boyfriend, this is the second time I’ve been left by this person. We have an extremely intense but loving relationship, and I felt like I’ve never connected with another human on the level we have. It’s hard to explain, but basically we really recognize and understand each other, more than anyone else in either of our lives, so that’s why it makes it so hard for me.
It feels like I’m suffocating. Every second feels like infinity. This is my favorite person, and I heavily heavily relied on him for emotional support. He doesn’t contact me any more and doesn’t want to see me for the fear of it being painful. It hurts me so bad it’s dibilitating, I can’t eat, barely do anything productive, take care of my hygiene or my living space. I also can’t talk to others because I feel so low that I can’t hold a conversation. Everyone feels a mile away. I try really hard to make myself feel better but sometimes I just can’t, and today I especially want to die. I really don’t want to be alive, and the only thing holding me back is the hurt it would cause my family and friends. I just wish I could depart from society and eventually be able to kill my self. I really, really, don’t want to be alive. I only experience joy in brief moments before the pain sinks in again. I know there’s nothing anyone can do or say that would help me. I just would like to connect with new people and talk about our struggles.
Hey friend, I’m sorry this has happened to you and I can imagine the amount of loss and emptiness you’re feeling, I’ve felt it too before. This may not be what you want to hear, but there’s not a lot you can do in this moment to make it better. For me, I just had to wait to feel okay again and the emptiness started to wither away slowly. Once enough time has passed, it will get better. It always gets better.
Hang in there
Jaden
Thank you. Glad to hear you were able to find a way to deal with your pain as well
What you’re describing sounds very similar to the situation with my ex-girlfriend. She lit up my world, and when that was gone I felt like I was living under water. She wouldn’t talk to me in person or on the phone because she didn’t want to hear my pain, and all she could tell me was that she wasn’t ready for what we had. Eventually she told me she was moving back in with her ex, and that made it worse.
Like @Jaden said, there is no shortcut out of this. You’ve suffered a loss, and you need to grieve properly, on your own timetable. If you try to stuff your grief away, it will come back to haunt you in unexpected ways later on. It sucks, but it’s like getting poison out. You’ll be way better for it in the end.
In the meantime, try your best to live life like normal. This is one situation where faking it until you make it works. If you remain an active participant in your life, you won’t be able to wallow and fade away. It will be hard, and you won’t be able to do it perfectly. Give yourself grace, and hopefully those around you can do the same. I did not want to be at work when my ex left me, and I did not perform well, but for 8 hours a day my head was forced above water.
Also, reach out to people you trust and see them in person if possible, whether it’s to play cards or just to sit with them in silence. When my ex left me, my mom came over and sat while I talked to the ceiling and just told me it would be okay, and at that time that’s what I needed. Human contact is important right now, even if it’s hard. In the meantime, we’re here for you too. Hold fast, you’ll get through this.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. It really means a lot to me. It takes me years to be about to process and get over things, and I know I’m just having a bad moment right now. I’m in between jobs right now, and don’t have a routine so that definitely is not making this any better. I know it’s temporary, it’s just that I don’t even want to go past this, but thank you for your kind words.
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