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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to The Grudge by Tool
Recently divorced, with a partner for 19 years, that was silent about resentment and grudge of appreciation. but never spoke to her needs. bottled up fear of communication and vulnerability, and Trauma. she would never speak of the hurt ever even when deep diving into childhood. vulnerability is a choice and is difficult to share. where do we start even as separated parents to repair the harm?
It’s really hard when the person you sahre your life with has been holding grudges/resentment against you without saying it. It sounds like they have been experiencing this resentment for a while and chose to take it all in rather than communicating it with you, which must have come as a complete shock on your end once you were made aware of it. I can only imagine how it must have felt as if somehow your relationship was partially built on lies, or at least on a lack of open communication. It’s hard to realize that the person we love was hurting but wasn’t ready to open up about their feelings. We would naturally expect for our significant other, especially after 19 years, to feel safe enough to talk to us. But as you’ve described, sometimes these struggles have been there for an even longer time, which makes it difficult to even consider opening up as an option. With childhood trauma especially, we might learn that it is safer to not talk about our feelings, and realize that doing so is actually an effective way to survive in an unsafe environment. It becomes your default way to deal with contradictions and arguments - keeping it all in so that you don’t bother the other person, you don’t risk to deal with a negative reaction and you don’t risk to see them rejecting you. It’s hard though because on your side you see how much all of this stems from fears and past wounds, yet your relationship has suffered the consequences of it directly. It’s almost as if you share the same space with someone but they are isolated within four invisible walls that separates them from you, at least on an emotional level. You want to reach them but don’t know how, and this sense of helplessness is so brutal.
I’m really sorry that you’ve been experiencing this, friend. As you’ve said, vulnerability is difficult to share, even something absolutely terrifying for some of us. Learning that it is safe to share it can be a slow process, but one that is always worth exploring, eventually with the help of a professional too. It is a challenging process, but one that is absolutely worth it.