This is my first post on these forums.
Has anyone ever felt like their body is just stuck? I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. In high school, where I lost about 80 lbs. Unfortunately, while that started out healthily, it progressed to an eating disorder that lasted for ten years. I was able to walk away from the eating disorder 6 years ago with the help of God (seriously, I tried everything and I was just stuck!) but I’m finding that the negative thoughts are pretty overwhelming still. I have a pretty severe back injury that causes a lot of pain but I still workout 6-7 days a week. I make a lot of my own food and eat a pretty much plant-based diet and STILL am not able to lose weight. It just feels like my body is absolutely convinced that this is my weight. It can be really hard to ignore the nagging voice that tells me I’m fat, disgusting, and ugly. I have a recurring thought that tells me, “See, the only thing that worked was the eating disorder” but I am 100% not going to act out on that.
I just recently found out I’m pregnant so my efforts to lose weight will need to wait until after baby comes. (My hubs and I are excited about the pregnancy, but terrified ya know!) But, I’m also terrified of gaining weight with the baby, which I know needs to happy for a healthy human to form. I just feel so disgusting and worthless. I don’t want to leave the house because I’m convinced people will only see how fat I am. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I think I look relatively in shape because I exercise a lot but then as soon as I get dressed and go out into the world, I feel exposed, vulnerable, and hideous. It’s a vicious cycle that I’ve been dealing with since I can remember.
In my younger years, I attempted suicide, cut/burned myself for years, hit myself with weights, did drugs, slept around–pretty much anything to numb the inner ache of feeling ugly and disgusting. I was made fun of a lot and abused for many years by a family member and that impacted my thought process a lot.
It’s taken years to deal with a lot of that baggage and slowly, I’m trudging through it with the help of friends, my husband, professionals and my faith. I guess right now I just feel at a loss as to how to push passed these thoughts and enjoy being pregnant, regardless of what my post-partum size will be.
I appreciate any advice, thoughts, and support you might have to offer. Thanks for listening to a piece of my story,