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Recovery is hard


#1

Ok, I don’t want to sound like I am complaining. But man, recovery is hard. I am going through this trauma recovery program called EMDR. I find it very helpful but it gets very intense. My life is pretty good right now. I saw my favorite band live for the first time and my life and I am stable-ish for the first time in years. But right now I am coming close to the time of year where everything falls apart. Last year it was a slow downward spiral where I felt so much pain and I felt like I was drowning and I cut myself to cover up the pain. To wake me up. And then I got so addicted that I couldn’t live without hurting myself and that was no life to live. So I decided I didn’t want to leave at all. It was hell. My best friend would talk to me every single day over text because I moved but he couldn’t be there with me. It was hell for him too watching me destroy myself over and over. I got so addicted and consumed by the memories where I couldn’t take it anymore. So I attempted suicide for the 7th time. I was in the mental hospital for quite a while and when I got out my cat died (who meant quite a bit to me) and then my dad lost his job. A little while later my mom got super sick and almost died and then a little while after that I was sexually assaulted.
Well, now I have been trying really hard to break away from that. I am a lot more stable but I’m not happy. I’m just so numb. I’m beginning to miss the place I was in last year because I was used to it. It was all I had known for years. It was comfortable for me. So now I’m in this position where I am not happy but not super suicidal. And it was nice for a while but now I know that this isn’t where I am supposed to be in life. Is this all I am going to progress? I am only 16 and I’m already asking all these questions that no teenager should ever have to think about. I stopped taking my meds over the summer because they would give me hallucinations, panic attacks, and would make me throw up. And in that moment of vulnerability, the voices would come back because I couldn’t spend my time suppressing them. I am also just so…alone. I recently had a friend stay over at my house whose brother is abusive and addicted to drugs. She was so vulnerable and wasn’t afraid to show it. But now I am learning that there is no one in my life that I trust. Except for my best friend but I am not putting him through the hell that is my mind and life ever again. Also, we have kind of distanced ourselves from each other a bit. So now I’m just kind of alone. And afraid that this year I will lose my mind again like I do every year and kind of hoping I will because it is familiar to me. It would be so much easier to just give up…and last night I did. I hurt myself for the first time in almost a month. But it’s like my brain physically won’t let me give up for good and it kind of sucks because I just want to be freed from all of this. And is this all my life will ever be? Will I ever actually be able to call myself happy? Or will I just be numb like this forever? I’m sorry guys, you have much bigger issues to deal with and this probably didn’t make sense. Bye! Have a nice day!
Edit I don’t know what I did wrong to the layout of the last one and I’m trying to delete it but here is an updated one where the layout doesn’t suck I hope

Also if you want to know more about my situation here is a link to my songs that I wrote that will explain better: https://www.quotev.com/story/10856281/The-Halo-Effect/9


#2

Emma,

Wow. You’ve been through so much…I am truly in awe of your courage – to be able to face all of that and still get up and say, “Look, I’m going to fight for a better life.” I know that some days it doesn’t feel as epic or heroic as that, but sitting here looking at this past season of your life – you are a fighter. That something inside of you that won’t give up – that’s your heart fighting for life. You deserve it. You are on your way to it. You are clawing for it. And I believe you’ll get there, friend.

Couple things to know:

  1. super proud of you for reaching out here. In whatever ways you can, talk to people about this stuff. You are not a burden. Your thoughts, your problems, your life – you’re worth it. You’re not a burden. Thank you for sharing here. Keep at it! I’d also challenge you to reach back out to your best friend and get open with him again. And maybe reach out to that girl that you admire for being so authentic. Most people who are authentic appreciate other people sharing their authenticity with them too. This girl might be a good friend to have!
  2. hold onto hope: you are on the right path. You are not going to be stuck this way forever. Here’s how I know: you’re fighting for it. You won’t LET yourself stay stuck in this place .You really really want to get better, and you are willing to put in the work to get there, and I believe that you will. It DOES get better. I’ve experienced it in my life. I can’t remember the last time that I wanted to commit suicide. I can’t remember the last time I was depressed or so anxious I couldn’t function. I’ve been at similar lows at similar periods in my life for similar seasons, and there is hope. The work you’re putting in right now to get better WILL COMPOUND. You are ahead of the curve to start to pivot your life. And it’ll pay dividends, weeks, months, years from now as you continue down this path. HOLD ONTO HOPE!
  3. you’re doing better than you think, you are stronger than you know, you are more loved than you could imagine.

#3

Thank you, Nate. You have no idea how much it means for me to hear that. No one ever really says anything like that to me so to read it; it honestly means so much.

  1. I would love to get back in contact with my best friend! However, he deleted his social media and my phone is not working at the moment. I saw him pretty recently and it went well but things were different because of the time spent away from each other and he doesn’t open up to me much anymore either. And that girl, she is super sweet and is my friend. I should get better at opening up to people in real life but I also have severe trust issues.
    2.Thank you so much for this. It means a lot. I would love to get better if I’m not like this forever but its just so hard and uncomfortable for me. Its a struggle. I hope it gets better.
  2. Thank you so much. I needed to hear this.

#4

<3 thankful for your heart, emma


#5

I hope it gets better for you.