Ok, I don’t want to sound like I am complaining. But man, recovery is hard. I am going through this trauma recovery program called EMDR. I find it very helpful but it gets very intense. My life is pretty good right now. I saw my favorite band live for the first time and my life and I am stable-ish for the first time in years. But right now I am coming close to the time of year where everything falls apart. Last year it was a slow downward spiral where I felt so much pain and I felt like I was drowning and I cut myself to cover up the pain. To wake me up. And then I got so addicted that I couldn’t live without hurting myself and that was no life to live. So I decided I didn’t want to leave at all. It was hell. My best friend would talk to me every single day over text because I moved but he couldn’t be there with me. It was hell for him too watching me destroy myself over and over. I got so addicted and consumed by the memories where I couldn’t take it anymore. So I attempted suicide for the 7th time. I was in the mental hospital for quite a while and when I got out my cat died (who meant quite a bit to me) and then my dad lost his job. A little while later my mom got super sick and almost died and then a little while after that I was sexually assaulted.
Well, now I have been trying really hard to break away from that. I am a lot more stable but I’m not happy. I’m just so numb. I’m beginning to miss the place I was in last year because I was used to it. It was all I had known for years. It was comfortable for me. So now I’m in this position where I am not happy but not super suicidal. And it was nice for a while but now I know that this isn’t where I am supposed to be in life. Is this all I am going to progress? I am only 16 and I’m already asking all these questions that no teenager should ever have to think about. I stopped taking my meds over the summer because they would give me hallucinations, panic attacks, and would make me throw up. And in that moment of vulnerability, the voices would come back because I couldn’t spend my time suppressing them. I am also just so…alone. I recently had a friend stay over at my house whose brother is abusive and addicted to drugs. She was so vulnerable and wasn’t afraid to show it. But now I am learning that there is no one in my life that I trust. Except for my best friend but I am not putting him through the hell that is my mind and life ever again. Also, we have kind of distanced ourselves from each other a bit. So now I’m just kind of alone. And afraid that this year I will lose my mind again like I do every year and kind of hoping I will because it is familiar to me. It would be so much easier to just give up…and last night I did. I hurt myself for the first time in almost a month. But it’s like my brain physically won’t let me give up for good and it kind of sucks because I just want to be freed from all of this. And is this all my life will ever be? Will I ever actually be able to call myself happy? Or will I just be numb like this forever? I’m sorry guys, you have much bigger issues to deal with and this probably didn’t make sense. Bye! Have a nice day!
Edit I don’t know what I did wrong to the layout of the last one and I’m trying to delete it but here is an updated one where the layout doesn’t suck I hope
Also if you want to know more about my situation here is a link to my songs that I wrote that will explain better: https://www.quotev.com/story/10856281/The-Halo-Effect/9