Red Flags? Toxicity? The Chase?

I haven’t been on here in a hot minute, but today I bring another popular topic that’s been around for ages and continues to evade my rationale. The age old concept that many women want a man who in fact, is not the kind, caring sweetheart they say they want, but instead is daring, mysterious, and keeps them on their toes. However what I find through my own experience and research, is that specific quality in a man typically comes with what society has defined as red flags, and potential toxicity. And you get the classic relationship where the woman needs to break things off, but cannot because the idea of being with them, being around them, and trying to “fix” them, is like a massive addiction that they cannot seem to break. They crave “the chase”.

As a man that struggles to be that daring, mysterious, bad boy, I think about this constantly. I am a man that has his shit together, and has no need or want to be toxic towards his partner in any way. And so you can see where the internal dilemma comes from. I start asking myself: Do i have to learn to be toxic? LOL it sounds really dumb every time i think about it. But logic would show that maybe it’s not dumb at all. In any case, regardless of what may or may not be the strategic and logical thing to do, it’s not me. I’ve tried to be that “bad boy” and i fail miserably every time haha.

In the end, all I want is what everyone wants, to be in a happy and long lasting relationship. I guess I just don’t want the perfect woman to pass me up just because I didn’t know how to be toxic and didn’t have and red flags lol. Perhaps there is a middle ground that I am not seeing. A way to keep things fun, mysterious, having her constantly guessing and chasing, without it being in the form of negging, toxicity, red flags, etc. If you guys think there is a way of doing this, I would love some real world examples from your personal experience!

Thanks guys!


Wanting to be inherently edgy and mysterious is wanting to alter your personality. It will backfire even worse than what you’re doing now because it’s unsustainable, and it’s going to make you miserable going through the effort to keep up an act when the idea of a relationship is to be relaxed around your SO.

The perfect woman won’t pass you by because you’re not cool enough. Two things: if she’s looking for a bad boy and therefore isn’t interested in you, she’s not the perfect woman. Also, compatibility evolves over time and with experience. My wife and I both agree that we would have never even gone out if we’d met in our early 20s. We were different people with different ideas of attractive traits. I know this sounds empty because I heard it for most of my 20s, but the perfect woman will come around at the perfect time.

I’m not saying don’t date. Putting yourself out there is how you learn what you want and what you don’t, how you meet women and find “the one,” and how you have fun along the way. Try not to invest all your energy in getting lucky in love though. I know you’re getting pressured both externally and internally to date and meet a nice girl, and I’m sure you’ve been through dating burnout already, but try to take control of your dating life instead of letting it control you. All you can do is try. I know I wasn’t always successful with it. I also know I was much happier when I chose to pause dating than when I just wasn’t getting dates.

As for how to add spontaneity, shake up your date activities! Putt putt, bowling, go-karts, axe throwing, jazz lounges, on and on. If it gets spendy, look for Groupon deals. If a woman is unimpressed because you use coupons, she’s not the perfect woman. If you keep yourself on your toes, you’ll feel alive, and that will project and make you seem alive to an unsuspecting date :smirk: happy dating!

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From: Manni XP - Snow Edition

Thank you for sharing! You want to be with someone, but the rubric itself seems flawed, right? This has a really simple solution: Simply write your own! Disregard the meta! Consider what YOU find groovy in a person and embody that yourself. Become strong in your own life. “Women” refers not to some hyper-specific subset of people, but to around half the human population - and people are diverse and have varied interests. Be honest with yourself and those around you because that’s the only way to attract those who genuinely like you for you. Of course, we all have room to improve, so also remember to let yourself grow.


Hi there @Lee,

Thank you for sharing this with us. You bring up some varied and complicated topics so I (unfortunately) can’t give one cover-all answer. Simply put, people value different things in their relationships and there’s no one “right answer!”

I’d like to throw a concept out there: compatibility

In the end, I’d seek out someone who gets along with me well and likes me for who I am – not an act that I need to put on. If you feel like you need to put on an act to be in a relationship, this is likely to quickly get exhausting, lead to hurt feelings, etc. However, if you find someone who likes you for who you are, then a symbiotic relationship is much more likely to form. Try to seek out the person that you don’t need to put on a show for.

I hope you have a great dating experience!

<3 Tuna

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