I have been thinking about this for a while, I think you do when any milestone in your life approaches you start to reflect on what has been or what will be so its all been going on and so I figured I would put some of it down on here, get it out so to speak.
If someone had asked me as a child how I pictured my future and what I would be doing at this point in my life first of all I would of said “I am never going to be that old” but other than that this is not at all what I would have chosen for myself, in fact lets be real I don’t think I would have ever have “chosen” this at any point in my life other than as a safety net. I did want to be a chef once, went to college for a while then got told I had to go and study in france for 6 months!!! that was never gonna happen so that was the end of that career, I picked a few different job options sadly though they all involved other people and that had become more and more of a problem over the years, my inability to be around other people. the saying “they make me sick” couldn’t be closer to the truth, I had an undiagnosed fear and allergy to people and places where people were now commonly known as social phobia or social anxiety disorder, I have also had other strange phobias just crop up over the years each one to do with leaving the house (strange but true) Oh one thing I forgot to mention, I am also a complete control freak in my own life, I don’t try to control others but I also have to have complete control of myself at all times which is not the easiest thing as all of you with any anxiety disorder will know.
So I made a concious decision quite a few years ago that my comfort and peace of mind were worth more than my lifestyle and stopped going anywhere unless I had to i.e doctors, dentist or of course my family needed me, I don’t socialise with other people, I rarely even speak to other people in real life and thats ok, I can count on one hand the panic attacks I have had in the last few years so its worth it.
Finding Heartsupport was a huge lifeline and turned things around for me, I went from no conversation to going to a couple of twitch streams and in a whirlwind I was in a swat and talking to people yes “people” every week. Within just a few short weeks I was leading a group and the rest is history, I still sit there on a Sat during swat sometimes a wonder how the heck im doing this.
This last year has been one of the most testing and hardest I have had since I was in my teens early 20s, Its been a year of eyes being opened to the future, of such deep sadness at times and of course new beginnings. I think the worst part is getting to a point in your life when things begin to happen that you have no contol over at all and I know for me I find that very frightening, I suppose the best way to look at it would be to make the most of what you have right now and have no regrets? I don’t know if I am at that point yet. I am referring mostly of course to my parents, its been a rough year, Mum was really quite unwell at one point and Dad has ongoing heart issues and looking at them these days you see that they are not the old mum and dad you have always known they are “old” mum and dad and not the people physically or mentally that they used to be and of course that will often bring to mind that dreadful thought of how much longer do I get to have them in my life. What a thought and what a fear. Losing Holly last year was one of the hardest losses I have had to bear, she was my best friend and my little girl and my sidekick all in one and I will miss her until the day I die, I still listen out for her and think of her little sayings when im doing things. I was so incredibly lucky to get Angel. Mum was generous beyond words and I will be forever thankful. Angel has bought exhaustion, expense, frustration, mess and noise into my home. She has also brought laughter, fun, joy and most importantly love, unconditional love. Not sure Oakley would agree but she just sighs as us old ladies do. lol
So as I reach a milestone have I done well in my life, have I accomplished things and am I proud of that? No not really, but what I have done is tried to keep it together. Could I have tried harder and done more? yes of course, and I am using all the experience that I have had to now help to prevent other people from perhaps not doing enough to encourage them to just try a little harder because as you get older you may wish you had.
If I could give my young self some advice it would be to not allow someone elses past and their problems become my stick to be beaten with and find a place to be really heard. If I had, had access to a place like this when I was young I get the feeling I would have been able to handle things better and perhaps done things differently, we shall never know.
So thats it, another chapter awaits, hopefully no where near as long as this one but right now im happy with how my life is, my friends, being able to support you fine people and being surrounded by some of the most genuine, kind, caring individuals that anyone could hope to meet. I have my family and my 2 little feathered babies. What more could a girl want.
Sending love, best wishes, luck and happiness to you all if you have even attempted to read this load of babble. x