Relapse and shame

hi. i’ve been very overwhelmed w a lot of things recently. if u have ever seen my other posts u already know i’m bad at intros and tend to just jump right into things.

in two days, i’ll be a month clean from self harm. this is a big achievement but it hurts bc before i relapsed i was a year and a half clean. before that the longest i went was 5 months. usually i’m only able to stay clean for at most a week. i’m ashamed of myself. i feel like a failure. the reason i had a relapse was bc i saw my rapist for the first time in months at a local show. i didn’t know he was gonna show up. but he did. i’ve been sexually abused and raped by two people. one of them was my friend and the other i was dating at the time. the one i saw was my ex boyfriend. for privacy purposes i’ll refer to him “A”.

A took advantage of me for months. the relationship was very emotionally and sexually abusive. i lost count of the amount of things he’s done to me physically without my consent. he has many nude pictures of me. some of which i sent him. some of which he took without my permission. we have mutual friends. some of them know and have stopped associating w him. some of them know i was abused but don’t know it’s him. i’m scared of coming forward and saying it was him bc i’m terrified of being harassed which has happened before. that time i didn’t come forward and say what happened, someone else who doesn’t like me told people i was lying about being raped.

i was at this show w one of my closest friends and i was okay for a little bit. i was catching up w friends i rarely see and was really excited bc i thougt i was gonna be okay. and then i saw A and ran to the bathroom to cry. my friends mean the world to me and helped me calm down and stayed w me. there are a few who know who he is and know he did bad things but don’t know the extent. they just know that they don’t like him and that i’ll have a panic attack. i feel blessed to have such amazing people in my life even tho i don’t get to see them as often as i would like to. as thr night progressed i was doing better. i was staying w people who i felt safe w. i was on edge bc i knew he was there and there were some people wearing similar hoodies to him which made me even more nervous. and then during one of the bands, he hit me. he shoved me out of his way to get to the pit. he’s an alcoholic and was definitely very drunk so i’m not sure if he knew it was me or not. i do know that the pain of feeling him shove me was one of the most terrifying feelings to ever happen and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. except maybe him.
i ran to the bathroom and sobbed. my friends weren’t w me. i was just by myself crying. some people walked in to use the bathroom and i tried to remain calm and look as not panicky as i could when people came in so no one would worry. i was shook to my core. it was horrible. he ended up leaving while i was in the bathroom. i was as okay as i could be for the rest of the night and when i got home i was proud of myself for not hurting myself. the next day tho, the flashbacks got really intense. i ended up cutting again. i feel so stupid for doing it. i feel like a failure. w everything going on and not being able to leave my house i feel like i’m only getting worse. i got rid of all the sharp objects in my room so i’m not tempted but i still feel terrible. i can’t stop having flashbacks and knowing he’s not affected at all. i feel hopeless and helpless. i want to make a post asking for people who are friends w A to unadd me so i can try to heal but i don’t know if i’m prepared for that emotionally.

if u took the time to read all of this, thank u. i know it was long and i apologize. pls stay safe and healthy.

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Hi friend,

Thank you so much for sharing this struggle. I can tell just by your words how big of an impact this has had on you,

As far as your struggle with cutting and fear of relapse, you took a big step by simply removing the sharp objects in your room. That was really proactive on your part, and to me that says you took a big step in helping yourself combat this struggle. One thing I would absolutely recommend is to not keep a calendar of your relapses. Saying the “the longest I’ve went” something similar to that, or keeping even mentally keeping track of the last time you relapse may actually do more harm then good because the weight of not making as long as you wanted to without relapsing can lead to you thinking negatively of yourself and feeling like a failure. I have totally been there! I struggled with the same thing in my fight against pornography as I mentally kept track of when the last time I watched porn was, and then when I relapsed I would really put myself down and feel ashamed for doing so because I was back at square one. Let those relapses sit in the past where they already are. You already took some preventative steps for the future, so be proud and commend yourself for taking those steps, and start putting the next step forward!

As for your feelings from “A” and what you have fallen victim to, it seems you know quite well what triggers these feelings, emotions, panic attacks, etc. I would suggest possibly physically writing out all the triggers you can think of that causes these things so you can see them on a physical piece of paper, and from there look at each one and think of ways you may be able to reduce or release the end result of those triggers. For example, if a thought or a situation comes up that you feel is starting to trigger these events, go for a walk if you can, text a friend to vent out, write it down to release it, listen to music, etc. If you can find little ways to “curb” those triggers from having a greater effect on you, perhaps the gravity of them will fade.

I’m sorry this response was so long, but I did not want to leave your post unanswered. I really hope this could provide some encouragement to you in some way. Also, I don’t know what your religious views are, but I would highly recommend reading Psalm 139. I read that passage whenever I feel no value, hope, etc. because it expresses how God made us unique, loves us for who we are, and how he is always there no matter if we are in the brightest of light or the darkest of days. Stay safe and healthy friend!

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Hi Friend. Thank you for writing.

I am SO sorry to hear that you went through this. Ultimately it is your choice on what to do in this situation.

But speaking from someone who has spoke to people in this kind of situation, I personally recommend that you seek help. You are strong, you are loved.

This one person’s mistakes doesn’t define everything. All of us in HS love you, all of us care for you, and all of us is here for you!

If need be, feel free to contact me on Discord and we can talk this out!

Love you and hold strong

DarianDaOtter/Darian Halliday

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