hi. i’ve been very overwhelmed w a lot of things recently. if u have ever seen my other posts u already know i’m bad at intros and tend to just jump right into things.
in two days, i’ll be a month clean from self harm. this is a big achievement but it hurts bc before i relapsed i was a year and a half clean. before that the longest i went was 5 months. usually i’m only able to stay clean for at most a week. i’m ashamed of myself. i feel like a failure. the reason i had a relapse was bc i saw my rapist for the first time in months at a local show. i didn’t know he was gonna show up. but he did. i’ve been sexually abused and raped by two people. one of them was my friend and the other i was dating at the time. the one i saw was my ex boyfriend. for privacy purposes i’ll refer to him “A”.
A took advantage of me for months. the relationship was very emotionally and sexually abusive. i lost count of the amount of things he’s done to me physically without my consent. he has many nude pictures of me. some of which i sent him. some of which he took without my permission. we have mutual friends. some of them know and have stopped associating w him. some of them know i was abused but don’t know it’s him. i’m scared of coming forward and saying it was him bc i’m terrified of being harassed which has happened before. that time i didn’t come forward and say what happened, someone else who doesn’t like me told people i was lying about being raped.
i was at this show w one of my closest friends and i was okay for a little bit. i was catching up w friends i rarely see and was really excited bc i thougt i was gonna be okay. and then i saw A and ran to the bathroom to cry. my friends mean the world to me and helped me calm down and stayed w me. there are a few who know who he is and know he did bad things but don’t know the extent. they just know that they don’t like him and that i’ll have a panic attack. i feel blessed to have such amazing people in my life even tho i don’t get to see them as often as i would like to. as thr night progressed i was doing better. i was staying w people who i felt safe w. i was on edge bc i knew he was there and there were some people wearing similar hoodies to him which made me even more nervous. and then during one of the bands, he hit me. he shoved me out of his way to get to the pit. he’s an alcoholic and was definitely very drunk so i’m not sure if he knew it was me or not. i do know that the pain of feeling him shove me was one of the most terrifying feelings to ever happen and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. except maybe him.
i ran to the bathroom and sobbed. my friends weren’t w me. i was just by myself crying. some people walked in to use the bathroom and i tried to remain calm and look as not panicky as i could when people came in so no one would worry. i was shook to my core. it was horrible. he ended up leaving while i was in the bathroom. i was as okay as i could be for the rest of the night and when i got home i was proud of myself for not hurting myself. the next day tho, the flashbacks got really intense. i ended up cutting again. i feel so stupid for doing it. i feel like a failure. w everything going on and not being able to leave my house i feel like i’m only getting worse. i got rid of all the sharp objects in my room so i’m not tempted but i still feel terrible. i can’t stop having flashbacks and knowing he’s not affected at all. i feel hopeless and helpless. i want to make a post asking for people who are friends w A to unadd me so i can try to heal but i don’t know if i’m prepared for that emotionally.
if u took the time to read all of this, thank u. i know it was long and i apologize. pls stay safe and healthy.